AS you watched the Oscars last night, did you think to yourself: “Golly, the best Actor and best Actress categories are transphobic towards those with “nonbinary” gender identitays”?
If the answer is no, then you may be surprised to learn that those in the Transgender Movement are complaining the broadcast was one long “triggering” ode to “transphobia”.
First, the Best Supporting Actor winner Jared Leto, who has been attacked for weeks- and even heckled- by transgender activists for his portrayal of a gay male queen in “Dallas Buyers Club”. Leto has been criticized for not playing the character as a “transwoman” (an identifier that did not even exist in the 1980’s era in which the film is set), for not being a “transwoman” himself (strangely it’s okay that he is heterosexual though), and for making jokes about the pain of bikini waxes (because when a “transwoman” gets one it’s a horrible price to pay that no mere woman or man could ever understand).
Not holding back on the anti-gay sentiment, the transgender activists and their supporters are now attacking Oscars emcee Ellen Degeneres for the “transphobia” of a gay woman cracking a gay community drag queen joke. One that heterosexual male “transwomen” found offensive to (you guessed it!): heterosexual males.
If you’ve ever wondered why members of “the LGBT” constantly question the wisdom and practicality of a political alliance with the “T”, the accusations against Ellen ought to help highlight the problem.
The transphobic hate-crime in question was the following joke made while addressing audience member Liza Minelli:
“Hello to the best Liza Minnelli impersonator I’ve ever seen. Good job, sir.”
You can watch Ellen tell the joke in the brief video clip which is helpfully linked here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/03/ellen-degeneres-transphobic_n_4890369.html
Washington Post Style columnist (and clearly not a member of the lesbian and gay community) Caitlin Dewey ran with a headline claiming an “Internet Consensus” ruled Ellen as “transphobic”. Which is incredible. I mean forget the transphobia: this may be the first time in history there has ever been such a thing as an internet consensus! Who knew? The internet is of one mind: one fabulously anti-gay mind. You heard it from Caitlin first.
Should we let Caitlin and the other gender-loving heterosexuals in on the joke?
The humor rests on the ubiquity of male Liza Minelli impersonators in the Gay Community, Caitlin, where Liza is considered a Gay Drag Icon. Sheesh.
I can’t believe I really need to spell that out. Then again I suppose one shouldn’t be surprised.
It’s gotten to the point where Gays and Lesbians cannot even talk or joke about our own community without heterosexual Transgenders and their supporters like Caitlin (and the “consensus” of the entire internet, apparently), accusing us of being ANTI-HETEROSEXUAL-BIGOTS.
Want to mention the fact that lesbians don’t like penis? You are now an ANTI-HETEROSEXUAL-BIGOT.
Want to joke about how Liza Minelli looks more realistic than her best gay male drag impersonator? You are now an ANTI-HETEROSEXUAL-BIGOT.
Want to make a movie about gay culture in the era of AIDS? You are now an ANTI-HETEROSEXUAL-BIGOT.
The WHOLE INTERNET says so folks! It’s a consensus!
February 18, 2014
February 12, 2014
It’s amazing how much political and media traction one man’s penis can get if that man claims to feel “psychologically female”.
What does it mean to be psychologically male or psychologically female? For the transgender lobby it means that certain thoughts, emotions, preferences, and intellectual abilities are tied to one’s reproductive capacity. This is called “gender”. If an individual’s “gender” does not match one’s sex, the trans politic insists that this “incongruence” represents a life-threatening social, psychiatric, and medical disorder- an emergency whose only cure is disguising one’s body using various modifications into appearing like the other sex.
Transgender people have every right to believe in this. Feminists and most lesbians and gays would instead characterize this belief as extreme sexism and homophobia based on sex-stereotypes that expired decades ago.
One might think that Transgender Rights would revolve around the right to live unaccosted while freely exercising one’s personal beliefs, as with religion. Instead, the transgender movement lobbies for the right to compel non-believers to act as if they also believe in “psychological sex” stereotypes and to re-structure their own lives, and society, accordingly. This seems like an absurd and overreaching goal, one that Christianists and Islamists have been failing at for ages, but the trans lobby has made surprising inroads at installing public policies enforcing their “psychological sex” stereotypes into law.
Transgenderism has succeeded where religionists (who also subscribe to “psychological sex” beliefs, not incidentally) have failed because the Transgender Rights movement is a men’s sexual rights movement based on expanding the rights of males to sexually exploit and control women.
Patriarchal religions merely seek to uphold male domination over females, to maintain the conservative status quo, while the transgender movement expands on the ability of men to subordinate women. In this sense it is an evolution in men’s rights. This expansion and evolutionary quality accounts for its popularity and rapid adoption by male power structures such as government, medicine, law.
A story you may have seen in media headlines this week shows just how incredibly powerful one man’s penis can become under the social movement of “Transgender”.
“My penis is more powerful than the cocks of a million alpha males all put together. ” – Cocky, by Julia Serano
Avery Edison is a young man who believes in “psychological sex” and believes himself to be “psychologically female”. His activities include attempting to become a stand-up comedian and writing blog posts expressing his anger at women who refuse to let him insert his penis into them.
Avery went to Canada on a student visa to take a college program on stand-up comedy, an endeavor funded by the parents of one of his girlfriends. He overstayed his visa before eventually returning to the UK. This week, for unknown impulsive reasons (perhaps because he felt like it and possessed enough incredible white male privilege that he had the expectation that his every magical wish would be accommodated), Avery decided to try to get back into Canada without first going through proper channels, even though he knew it was unlikely he would be let in.
He flew into Toronto’s Pearson International Airport somehow hoping to persuade officials to bypass immigration laws and allow him, unannounced and on the spot, to enter the country and visit his girlfriend. Not surprisingly (to anyone but Avery), his desire to enter the country did not override Canadian immigration law and procedure. Much like his anger at women who enforce a boundary against Avery’s right to stick his dick into them against their will, being subjected to Canadian border regulations (like everyone else) made Avery angry. Avery is a very entitled young man who does not anticipate being told “no” under any circumstance.
Avery began to tweet messages from the airport to his fellow “psychologically female” mates, conveying his upset at having his desires thwarted by the expected border regulations. These mates had a shared experience of being frustrated by common social boundaries that others accept as a fact of life: they were fellow members of the transgender political movement.
Avery was told that he had to turn around and fly home. But he was so angry! And so close to meeting his goal of seeing his girlfriend! He realized that if he refused to leave he would be incarcerated, which would allow him to receive visitors, including his girlfriend. So his goal could be met after all. Which is what he chose to do. But he wasn’t going to let this go without kicking up a fuss. Which is what he did.
Avery started tweeting about how bystanders were refusing to act in accordance with his personal belief that he is “psychologically female” and instead were perceiving his sex objectively –as evidenced by his body- as male. He would be housed during his chosen incarceration with other male-bodied individuals, regardless of their psychology or beliefs. Equal treatment regardless of psychology or belief is considered an assault on one’s ego equivalent to physical battery, according to the transgender adherents. Referring to a “psychologically female” individual as a male-bodied person “is an act of violence”, stated keynote speaker Laverne Cox (himself a male by any objective measure) at last month’s Creating Change conference. NOW Avery’s twitter mates had something to sink their frustration into.
Within hours, a #FreeAvery twitter hashtag was created. Dozens of newspapers and websites worldwide ran headlines on the incident. Several Canadian MPs made public comment and pledged their support. Calls were made for Canadian legal reform: to allow any man who defines himself as “psychologically female” to be housed in female facilities (which are sex-segregated for the protection of women against the overwhelming tide of male sexual violence conducted by males who refuse to respect the boundaries and humanity of women). A public protest and rally was scheduled for this weekend to highlight the “unfairness” of all males being treated equally regardless of their personal psychology or belief. A fund was started for people to donate money to Avery. Pro bono legal representation was arranged.
All this, on the basis of one male’s “psychological sex” beliefs and his desire to bypass all the same rules that apply equally to everyone else. One heterosexual white man’s thwarted impulse. One man’s penis.
February 11, 2014
“Last night a friend and I were discussing the rise of SWERF and TERF, insults that are increasingly used against feminists who attack, not sex workers nor trans people, but gendered structures of oppression. Fear-based feminism would deny that these are insults at all. It would argue that the word “exclusion” is never used in vain. It would send tweets to itself and the world at large, using capital letters: TERF IS NOT A SLUR TERF IS NOT A SLUR TERF IS NOT A SLUR. It would say “it’s descriptive,” all the while making note of the latest unsayables (gender is a construct, reproduction is a feminist issue, misogyny is associated with hatred of the female body). It would watch as all space for discussion and compassion collapsed in on itself. It would think “as long as I am safe. As long as I am neither SWERF nor TERF.”
Fear-based feminism is all about attacking individuals, not intersecting structures of oppression. “Kick up, not down.” Just as long as you’re kicking someone, and as long as the person being kicked isn’t you. As long as you are the one saying “STFU” and “sit down” and “cis white feminist tears” and shaking your damn head at someone else’s supreme ignorance. As long as you are not creating (because you might create the wrong thing!). As long as you are knocking down.
A critique of gender, objectification, sex work and reproductive oppression within the context of “being a woman” should be within the scope of anyone’s feminism. And yet, if I were a younger feminist – if I didn’t already have the support of other feminists — I would be too frightened to have written that sentence. I would think it was easier left unsaid. Best focus on the surface and the individual. I would not trust myself with more, and I’d be scared of ever wavering from this. I would want to be a good girl, one who swears and fucks in all the right places, wishes suffering on the right people, says “sorry” to those she fears and “die, scum” to those whom she doesn’t want to be. I would tweet SWERF IS NOT A SLUR SWERF IS NOT A SLUR SWERF IS NOT A SLUR. I would have no faith in my own ability to listen and make my own moral judgments. I’d be bloody terrified of ever getting this wrong, and I’d be right to be.”
Read the rest of this post by clicking the link above.
A woman in Oregon is suing an employer for financial compensation to repair her emotional distress after co-workers used female pronouns when referring to her instead of the unique pronoun she requested.
Plaintiff Valencia Jones is a female genderist. Genderists are social conservatives, religious fundamentalists, or transgender individuals who believe that reproductive sex should be defined not by biology but “Gender Identity” based on one’s belief in antiquated social sex roles. Pink princess for girls, monster trucks for boys.
Most women who reject sex-roles for women would be considered feminists, or gender abolitionists. Instead Jones, as a transgenderist, believes that cultural stereotypes linking certain behaviors, emotions, and abilities to reproductive function (Math for boys, English for girls) should form the basis for sex designation, not objective biology. By the genderist view, if a woman rejects a subordinate social role she is no longer reproductively female. She can either adopt a persona which pantomimes male dominance over other females and try to have her sex designated as male, or she can reject her subordinate role without adopting an oppressive male persona and try to have her sex designated as “anything but female”. That is what Valencia has tried (and failed) to do.
The problem with Valencia’s genderism is that one cannot “will away” sex-based oppression of females because our oppression is based on our biological reproductive function which is static and cannot be “identified away”. Valencia could try to disguise her biology and “pass” as male to avoid reproduction-based oppression. She could even have her reproductive system surgically removed, but this will not eradicate the social sex-based class status “female”. She will retain the pre-intellectual social conditioning she has been indoctrinated with since birth and she will also be placed back into the subordinate female caste whenever her actual sex is known.
Transgenderism is a political movement based on relaxing the social norms required by men to maintain social dominance over women. It is an adjustment of social norms designed to allow men greater freedom: the freedom to perform male-designed “femininity” (subordinate status inflicted on females by male violence) for each other, for sport, for shits and giggles, for sexual excitement, for unrestricted access to female spaces, while maintaining strict superiority over women.
Women and girls cannot identify our way out of sexual oppression by males. We can try to hide our reproductive capacity by disguising ourselves as male but once that disguise fails we are back to being members of the sex oppressed class. In the same way, men disguised as women can access their dominant male birthright at any time of their choosing merely by revealing their actual sex.
Fealty to gender (“Gender Identity”) will never benefit women, only men. Subordinate female social roles will never benefit women, only men. Women seeking to “other” themselves from the female sex caste by embrasure of male social roles of dominance over females will never benefit. There is no escape. There is no “identifying out of” or rejection of sex for women, only for men, at their leisure.
Janet Mock on the “Underground Railroad” into Child Prostitution for Transgender Youth- and why he thinks that’s a good thing.
February 2, 2014
“A sense of community, sisterhood, resiliency, resources, strength. It was like our underground railroad of resources to navigate a system not built for us. And for me that’s what sex work gave me.”- Janet Mock on his child prostitution experience.
Janet Mock says child prostitution is “liberatory” and “empowering” for transgender children in an article and series of videos he published this week. He describes an “underground railroad” of adult males that introduce transgender minors, including himself, into sexual relations with adult men for pay, which he celebrates as “making us feel desired”.
It is hard to imagine a public figure celebrating child prostitution and publicly testifying to personal knowledge of an “underground railroad” that coveys minors into sexual acts with adults without –at the very least- being questioned by the FBI. But in this case it is supposedly different, because transgender children are different.
According to trans activist and author Janet Mock (whose adopted name, he explains, is a reference to his desire to emulate musician Janet Jackson) sexual exploitation is not a bad thing for transgender children because an innate desire to experience sexual exploitation is, according to him, intrinsic to the condition of transgender males who want to be perceived as female.
Some excerpts from Mock’s blog and vlog:
*** I was 15 the first time I visited Merchant Street, what some would call “the stroll” for trans women involved in street-based sex work. At the time, I had just begun medically transitioning and it was where younger girls, like my friends and myself, would go to hang out, flirt and fool around with guys and socialize with older trans women, the legends of our community.
The majority of the women I idolized engaged in the sex trades at some time or another – some dabbled in video cam work and pornography, others chose street-based work and dancing at strip clubs (an option reserved for those most often perceived as cis). These women were the first trans women I met, and I quickly correlated trans womanhood and sex work.
I perceived the sex trades as a rite of passage, something a trans girl had to do in order to make the money necessary to support herself. I had also learned (from media, our laws and pop culture) that sex work is shameful and degrading.
Sex work is heavily stigmatized, whether one goes into it by choice, coercion or circumstance. Sex workers are often dismissed, causing even the most liberal folk, to dehumanize, devalue and demean women who are engaged in the sex trades. This pervasive dehumanization of women in the sex trades leads many to ignore the silencing, brutality, policing, criminalization and violence sex workers face, even blaming them for being utterly damaged, promiscuous, and unworthy.
So because I learned that sex work is shameful, and I correlated trans womanhood and sex work, I was taught that trans womanhood is shameful. This belief system served as the base of my understanding of self as a trans girl, and I couldn’t separate it from my own body image issues, my sense of self, my internalized shame about being trans, brown, poor, young, woman.
Though I yearned to be among women like myself, I also judged them for doing work that I swore at 15 I could never do. The work and those women didn’t fit my pedestal perched Clair Huxtable portrait of womanhood.
Yet my economic hurdles were real and urgent, and I couldn’t deny that witnessing the women of Merchant Street take their lives into their own hands, empowered me. Watching these women every weekend gathered in sisterhood and community, I learned firsthand about body autonomy, about resilience and agency, about learning to do for yourself in a world that is hostile about your existence.
These women taught me that nothing was wrong with me or my body and that if I wanted they would show me the way, and it was this underground railroad of resources created by low-income, marginalized women, that enabled me when I was 16 to jump in a car with my first regular and choose a pathway to my survival and liberation.”
“I did work at other places while I was doing sex work. So for me, I worked at a clothing store, I worked at a fast food place, I worked at boutiques and all these kind of things, you know. But nothing would compare to the check that comes from being a sex worker. That money was quick. Quick money enabled me to do things more quickly. And for me my body issues, my body image issues, the way I felt about myself- those were urgent matters. And for me frankly at that time as a seventeen, eighteen year old there was no waiting another year for things. I needed them now. And so for me yeah, there is this shame attached and a stigma attached to being a sex worker for me, but there’s also the other things I got from that. A sense of community, sisterhood, resiliency, resources, strength. It was like our underground railroad and resources to navigate a system not built for us. And for me that’s what sex work gave me.”
When sexologist Michael Bailey published “The Man Who Would Be Queen” which reviewed decades of research on male transgenderism- he was pilloried by transgender activists for publicizing the obvious sex-role basis of male transgender identity. Transgender for males is an embrasure of the sexualized role imposed on females, while transgender for females is an attempt to escape that same role. A photo of Bailey’s five-year-old daughter was obtained by trans activist Andrea James who posted it on the Transsexual Roadmap website captioned: “cocksucker”. Activists hastily set up a panel to denounce both the book and its author.
But the demonized Bailey never in a million years suggested that adopting female sex-roles meant that pedophilia or child prostitution was good for anyone. Janet Mock does exactly that: and is celebrated by the transgender community for doing so.
When 16-year-old Cassidy Lynn was in headlines recently as “the first transgender high school homecoming queen” the media never reported on his sexual exploitation by adult males, even though it was quite public and came up on a cursory internet name search. Cassidy quit school apparently to pursue his involvement in these activities, which we know because he posted about it at length, including multiple video blogs, but the mainstream media deliberately chose not to report. The transgender community also maintained silence, presumably because the truth might undermine the wholesomeness of the “girl-next-door” homecoming queen narrative for the transgender political agenda. But it’s more than just the transgender community turning a blind eye.
As Janet Mock shows us, because the transgender movement frames exploitation as “affirming” of a male sexual identity based on female sexual roles, it therefore considers sexual exploitation a “liberatory”, and “affirming” experience, even for minors.
Janet Mock is a former People Magazine online editor and graduate school alumni of the NYU School of Journalism. When not promoting child prostitution as an affirming experience for transgender youth he promotes his book, “Fish Food”. “Fish” is the transgender community word for actual women and is a pejorative term for how such men perceive the smell of female genitals. Mock’s book has now been re-titled as “Redefining Realness”. “Realness” is the transgender community word for successfully passing as a member of the opposite sex.
You can read the above cited article “Sex Work Experiences” on his Janet Mock dot com website. GenderTrender does not link directly to sites which promote pedophilia and the sexual exploitation of children.
“They Looked Beautiful. They Looked Normal.” Dr. Norman Spack- TED talk on creating transgender children
January 28, 2014
There’s a reason not a single trans website, blogger, or journalist has reported on, commented on, or re-posted the “Dollmaker” Dr. Norman Spack’s recent TED talk. It is, as they say, “problematic”. He is completely clueless about women, sex politics, transgenderism, and the medicalization of gender. Frighteningly uninformed and ill-spoken by any measure.
He extols on various sexist stereotypes then reports how he diagnosed pediatric UK trans “chicken circuit” celebrity Jackie Green as being “destined to become six foot five inches tall”. This caused him to dose the child with cross-sex hormones AT THE AGE OF THIRTEEN, against all medical advice. The child then underwent surgical removal of his testes and inversion of his penis into a cavity designed for other males to sexually penetrate AT THE AGE OF SIXTEEN, with Dr. Spack’s approval, by a surgeon in Thailand, where such procedures were then legal. These procedures have now been criminalized as medical crimes against children.
In related news, Dr. Spack was quoted in an article this week titled “Uncertainty Surrounds Medical Treatments For Transgender Youth” He offered this clueless gem: “The difference between a tomboy and a trans-male who starts puberty is that the tomboy accepts having breasts, accepts having periods.” Has the eugenics doctor never spoke to a single pubertal female, tomboy or not? Has the Docktor never heard of anorexia, bulimia, cutting, breast ironing, or THE ENTIRE ENDOCRINOLOGICAL INDUSTRY marketed to women who DO NOT WANT to menstruate EVER?
Dr. Spack began transgendering children because he “wanted to do something dangerous” with his medical credentials. He has succeeded in that alone, and that is how he will be remembered by history.
January 19, 2014
I have no idea who this person is but this is one of the funniest goddamn things I’ve read in a long time. Great writing, fearless, politically-incorrect and seemingly lacking all feminist consciousness: one wonders what this author would create if the full picture of “Jendur” circa 2014 bit her on the ass. Unimaginable things!
Give it a quick read before transactivists threaten to rape her grandmother, burn down her condo, and prevent her from ever eating lunch in her own town again.
*Trigger warning: new-age jibber-jabber
January 5, 2014
Taking a quick glance at last year’s Top Trends list it becomes clear that the overall trend towards reducing the social role of women via the enforcement of cultural subordination rituals (femininity) shows little sign of abating. While there has been notable increased feminist activism and consciousness-raising against gender, the trend continues towards increased sexualization, objectification and dehumanization of women and girls with no improvement in female participation in social, economic and civic life.
Rather, conservative male supremacist power has increasingly targeted for reversal the scant gains won by the “second wave” of the women’s liberation movement, including reproductive autonomy, freedom from beauty mandates, economic parity, protection from male sex-based violence. The sole exception is in the area of women’s rights to legal parity regarding state support for monogamous romantic attachments- an unintended artifact of the successful male homosexual rights movement.
Currently the increasingly subordinate social role of women is being codified into law by the state at the behest of the powerful genderist “transgender rights” movement, a men’s sexual rights movement based on relaxing acceptable male dominance roles for men via the elimination of legal recognition of women entirely. Read the rest of this entry »
January 3, 2014
This post is dedicated to the deluded autogynephiles featured in the previous post.
December 18, 2013
December 9, 2013
I was definitely not one of the “I knew since I could think” trans people, but then again, I have always had my head in the clouds. I didn’t even begin to question my gender until 23, but looking back it makes a lot of sense.
WALL OF TEXT!
So while I don’t remember asking my parents when I would grow a penis like my brother, I do remember the fits I pitched since kindergarten over wearing formal girl clothes (my only memories from going to the opera, and my grandfather’s funeral). I also roleplayed exclusively as male (or neutral), and all of my closest stuffed animals were male by default. If chick flicks are correct, I also may have been one of the only young girls to never daydream about my wedding, and I told my mom at 11 that I never wanted babies because pregnancy grossed me out. She said I would change my mind, but I never did.
Then when I hit puberty, I wrestled with the question of “am I a lesbian?” I wrestled because it didn’t make sense – I was definitely attracted to guys, and yet all of my heroes were male. Every character in book or movie, every musician, every real life friend, that I identified with most was male (I did have close female friends as well, but they were never of the ultra-girly persuasion; and even then I preferred mixed company above all). At 15, my parents made a rule that every other Sunday at our casual-dress church, I had to wear a skirt or dress. I still remember the day some of the girls passed me a note saying how pretty I looked in my dress; they meant to make me feel good, but it made me feel terrible.
College was a happy time of doing whatever I wanted and making friends with whoever I wanted. I didn’t think about gender much. But when I got my first serious boyfriend, I was mystified by a vague sense that my being female put a limit on the love I could give; it felt as though our relationship would simply “make more sense” if I were male. Interestingly enough, I’m pretty positive to this day that he is gay. I felt this way with my second serious SO as well, and even though I love(d) him and married him, I felt deeply uncomfortable with every formal situation, including (especially..) our marriage. I didn’t feel like myself, and it made me doubt our love. Everything felt fake and off.
Soon after being married, SO and I ditched gender roles and things seemed to improve. But strange things kept cropping up – I began a collection of thrift store leather shoes, but I just knew that I didn’t like them like a girl liked them – more like how a gay man likes shoes. We talked about how we didn’t want children, and yet even though the thought of being a mother makes me want to blow my brains out, I connected with the idea of being a dad. Then, we left our religion. The archaic gender roles I had been bucking against we’re no longer there, and yet, I was surprised to find that I connected even less with being female, even when I felt free to be whatever kind of female I could dream of. Then began the depression after sex – mostly if we did light, stereotypical roleplaying. Then I just got depressed after every time we had sex, no matter the kind.
Around this time, I discovered transgenderism. At first I thought it wasn’t legitimate. Then I thought it was. Then I knew it was. The respect and admiration I had for the whole slew of male role models I had collected over the years suddenly morphed into a deep jealousy of sorts. I threw out my lingerie. Stopped wearing makeup. Started binding. Stopped shaving. Starting thinking of myself as a man, not as a woman who didn’t quite fit in, even with herself. I told my SO. I told my brother, my mom, and my best friend. The depression after sex instantly disappeared. People (and dogs!!) started thinking I was a man as well, or at the very least a lesbian.
That’s where I am now. I’ll admit that I still go back and forth on whether or not this is “real” – sometimes even in the same day. But what I do know is that I feel prouder, taller, and healthier than ever before in my life.
I’ve known I wanted to be girl for my entire life. When I was a kid and even a teenager I spent a lot of time imagining ways that would transform me into a girl. I though of everything from magic spells, aliens performing experimental surgeries, mad scientists unleashes nanobots, pills, etc. I frequently found myself imagining myself as a girl in everyday situations such as watching TV or attending school.
I started to find that I was attracted to men in my teenage years, although I still had a physical reaction to women. I didn’t want to admit that I was “gay”, so I simply told myself that I was bi. I watched nothing but lesbian porn because I knew I’d have a reaction to watching anything with a man in it, and I was scared of that. I frequently found myself putting myself in the place of the women in these pornos, and those fantasies would often lead to imaginary sex with men with me as the woman. After all, it isn’t gay to have sex with men if you’re a woman.
I should probably mention that I spent my teenage years in Alberta, which is basically Texas Junior. It’s not a very progressive province. I was scared to admit that I was attracted to men because I was bullied enough growing up with having to deal with any potential homo/trans-phobia. This attitude lead me to repress any “non-manly” feelings and desires that I had. I figured that I might be able to “fix” myself if I could only be more of a man. I also bullied my two younger brothers a lot for showing any signs femininity at all.
Towards the end of my teenage years and the beginning of my 20′s I started experimenting with new types of porn because lesbian porn simply wasn’t doing it for me anymore. I eventually found furry porn (short lived) and that lead me to futanari and “shemale” (hate that word) porn which lead me to transformation and gender-bender porn. At the same time as I was doing this I started running into significant problems academically.
I had moved half way across the country to attend university in Ottawa. I completely bombed my second and third year and ended up failing out. I simply couldn’t deal with all the problems I was having alone. I had no friends, and I constantly lied to my family over my academic status. Without anyone to push me forwards I just sort of stalled. I eventually got some help and therapy to help with my social anxiety. I was eventually able to get special permission from the university to start taking classes again. I’m now half way through my 3rd year and I’m doing much better, although things are by no means going as well as I’d like academically.
During this time I hit some real lows. I started to consider that my issues might stretch beyond simply anxiety. I also started to learn about transgenderism by coming across the occasional article/story/post/etc on Reddit. It was like everything suddenly made sense to me. I came to the conclusion that I was trans and that I wanted to pursue transition.
This realization came about 1.5 years ago. Unfortunately I had sort of let myself go due to hating just about everything about my physical appearance. I spent the next year working on losing weight and generally improving how I treated my body. I was able to drop from 200 lbs all the way to 132 lbs, giving me a BMI of 18.5. I’ve been able to fix a lot of the problems I have had with my skin and hair, although years of neglect have done their damage (stretch marks huge pores, uneven skin tone, etc). There were times during this period where I flipped back and forth between deciding to transition or not, although these were mostly caused because I’d look at myself and think that there was no hope. At one point I actually shaved my head and lost about 4 inches of hair that I really wish I had right now.
I started hormones 5 months ago and things have been much better for me since then. I still have issues that I’m working on, but overall I’ve been doing better than I ever have. My biggest concern at the moment are some of my decidedly masculine facial features (nose, brow ridge, and facial hair mostly), but I know that all of those can be fixed with surgery. I’m saving for FFS and focussing on my studies. I know that deciding to transition was the best decision of my life. I don’t even regret my previous academic and social failures because they are what led my life in the direction of transition.