I HATE Being A Girl

November 16, 2011

42 Responses to “I HATE Being A Girl”

  1. Mary Sunshine Says:

    Heartbreaking. Precious {{{ her }}}. I wish she could meet some real self-loving Dykes.

  2. Kitty Barber Says:

    Yeah, being a second-class citizen sucks. What to do, what to do…? Oh, right. I’ll do the switcho-chango, zippidy zap! I’m Chaz! Or, have a revolution, and fight for equality, and love one another, and write about it and organize and have a blast together and fight for what we know is right–YOU DECIDE!
    I love being a woman. I love other women, I love myself, and even if it were possible (and of course it is not) I wouldn’t choose to be male in this stinky world. Never.

  3. smash Says:

    To the woman in the video: It’s the culture that needs to change, not you ! Hopefully you will learn to love being a woman.🙂 You are so obviously a sweet lady, and this video makes me bitterly angry at the patriarchal culture that has taught you to feel this way about your beautiful, wonderful self.

  4. smash Says:

    Anyone who thinks feminism’s work is done should watch this video. Thanks Gallus Mag for sharing. This blog is so important.

  5. ball buster Says:

    On one hand I’m sad to see that she is struggling with self hate and body shame; but I am so relieved that she has decided transitioning isn’t worth it.

    I hope things get better for her.

  6. Bev Jo Says:

    This makes me wonder how many girls now feel this way? She is really feminine, so it’s not about not fitting in in that way. I understand Butch girls who have been horribly harassed for not obeying the feminine rules perhaps having the idea cross their minds, but almost all FTMs are very feminine.

    Pretending to change to male wasn’t an option when I was growing up, and I didn’t like males, other than my father. So I’ve thought I wouldn’t be tempted by the propaganda since why would I want to become what I saw as being mostly cruel and prurient. But still, if a girl is told enough times that she can’t do what she wants because only boys are allowed, it would eat away.

    I saw Lierre Keith speak at the Earth at Risk conference and she does a great series of charts, explaining differences, such as radical versus liberal. One of the biggest differences with radical activists, as opposed to the dominant mindset in my Lesbian community of believing the “Universe” is arranging our lives for us (so whenever anything awful happens there’s a passivity about believing the Universe is trying to teach you something, because everything is meant to happen for a reason) is that the focus is either personal and alone or it’s about community and working together.

    The New Age attitudes that are intrinsically opposed to political awareness and action have become dominant in my community, which makes for almost no feminism and a very lonely world where you have to find solutions all on your own. The whole “trans” movement propaganda fits right in with this, which is what is so right wing about it: Change yourself rather than fight oppression. There was such a sense of power and clarity when I first found Lesbian Feminism as a teenager and suddenly all of what I’d been trying to deal with alone, I saw in a political context of being oppressed as a Lesbian and female — and I also found the richness of camraderie with a community of other Lesbians who I could fight patriarchy with and love and be ecstatic really.

    You said that so beautifully, Kitty. The two choices, and isn’t it clear who we are thrilled to be? I worry about these girls, but then I also wonder about what their lovers and friends are going through with feeling betrayed and abandoned. The ones I’ve know about, the focus is all on the “transtitioner” and the lover and friends don’t count any more.


  7. […] living in extreme poverty, then non-human animals, and, finally I’ve learned to identify with my  own detested social group: women. But over the years,I have become increasingly despondent. I don’t see how things will really […]

  8. Bev Jo Says:

    Thank you so much again, Gallus, for all your work. You can change it all if only all would read you.

  9. wohom Says:

    I saw this video on your site early this morning. I’ve been thinking about it all day. It just confirms how complex patriarchy is and how it continually morphs and finds more and more ways to confound girls’ identities. Patriarchy’s newest trick? Girls are presented with the option of surgically removing their visible femaleness in the pursuit of (false) empowerment.

    I find the video haunting.

  10. madradfab Says:

    This video is heartbreaking to watch and yet it’s so important for people to be aware of what’s going on. I’m glad some women have left her encouraging comments on youtube, which has such harsh commenters on it. I hate seeing that a man posted there on youtube about how lucky she is and how he would give anything to have what she hates. Did he even listen to her words? NO! He didn’t. Typical male bs that just focuses on her feminine appearance.😦

    For those of us who are young our peers really seem to believe there is no need for feminism, that racism is dead and that everyone should just do whatever they want without consequence.

  11. Joe Says:

    Let me start by saying that I mean no harm by commenting. I am not a confrontational person. In fact, it is that non-confrontational nature that makes me ask my question, to both the OP and any responders who happen to see my post here.
    You may call me what you like. I am here in your space and I’m aware of it and for that I will try to picky my words carefully since I don’t want to offend. Nothing is worse than being insulted in your own ‘home’. for this reason, I will try my best not to interject my own opinions on whether or not I am, or ever will become, male, despite having been on T for about 5 years along with top surgery, though I refuse to remove my ovaries.
    Yes, I was born female and yes, I have ‘transitioned’.
    When I was young, I always wanted to be a boy. Until I was about 4 or 5, I thought that’s what I was (biologically). As far back as I remember, it was always there.
    Now, I know I’ve lost some people at this point. Perhaps to a welling of anger or resentment towards me for being a ‘traitor’ or perhaps some of you are saddened by this fact. I understand and I accept that negative feeling you may feel towards me.

    Let me tell you, however, that my hurt did not just manifest in being upset. I was so depressed that I attempted to take my life many times. To this day, my fiancee can’t wear pantyhose if she expects me to touch her where she’s wearing it because I was traumatized so deeply being forced to wear it myself at a young age. By the time I was a teenager, I was so detached from reality that I couldn’t tell the difference between it and the fantasy that I dove into headfirst in order to escape the pain.
    I know, a lot of you wish I would have become an activist or tried to stick it out. I’m telling you that I wouldn’t have made it to today if I had tried to do that any longer. Again, I am not a confrontational person. Harsh words hit me hard and back then, sent me into a downward spiral that resulted in attempts to take my own life.
    Yes, I’m aware of all the negative things that transitioning possibly could have in store for me down the road. I’m aware of the mutilation and the side effects of T and much more. As of yet, I’ve not had anything negative happen, but if they did, it would be worth living this long and finally having a few brief years where I’m not drowning in fantasy. And by fantasy, I mean being anti-social, angry, hateful, spiteful, miserable, and never meeting other people. While my problems are not ‘magically fixed’, I at least function in society for however long I will remain on this planet, and even having that for a short time is a blessing to someone in as deep and as focused on ending themselves as I was. I was lucky to roll out of bed, lucky to bathe myself regularly, lucky to find any willpower to eat, lucky to ever leave the house… and when I did, I was daydreaming so much that people thought I had special mental needs.
    That’s not to say that I think that the young lady in the post should transition. Not at all. Transition is not Candyland and, from what I hear, it can slowly alienate you from everyone you knew. I wouldn’t know firsthand because I was unlucky enough to have nobody and nothing in my life before I socially transitioned.
    Sorry for the long post. I had a purpose for rambling like this, but wrapping it up with anything more significant is failing me. I suppose I just wanted to conclude with a question- if not transition, what should I have done? Keep in mind that I was on lots of drugs (anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, etc) and I was seeing a therapist weekly. And I changed therapists a good few times, too. So I did attempt to get help. I feel like I exhausted every resource out there before I finally decided to do what I did. If it had not been for my transition, I would not be here. Perhaps others more opposed to the idea can tell me, even though it is in hindsight now. What else could I have done to stay alive? Is there more I should be doing now?

    • Kathrin Says:

      @Joe:

      I’ve heard it said that transitioning is trading one set of problems for another, and from what I’ve seen it usually is so. Some people are genuinely happy with the choice; they trade an unbearable existence for one that is not.

      Like you, I don’t regret my choice to transition. When I made it, I was at an extremely bad point in my life, and I was extremely close to ending it. It caused pain and anguish for others in my life, which I regret – the choice was selfish, but my life was much better off for having made it. It still is.

      My question these days is more one of cost. The price was worth it, even for others (my death would have hurt more than transition). But was all of it necessary? Might there have been a way to do it better, without the cost borne by those who loved me?

      I understand that Testosterone is an extremely powerful hormone. I was “fortunate” in not being able to have kids; it took much of the costs away. Also, HRT wouldn’t cause the disruption in my body that it would in yours. Testosterone tortured me – I spent so much time and energy fighting myself that I couldn’t function. Anti-androgens freed me from that prison, but I didn’t need to transition to do that.

      Transition made it possible for me to be a happy, functional, caring human being – to love, to lose, to feel. I just can’t help but wondering if there was another way I simply hadn’t tried.

      I’m sorry you had to go through what you did. Having those feelings is hard enough when one stands to benefit from patriarchy – I can only imagine what it’s like to grow up the other way around.

      My own personal demons came out whenever my spouse held a wooden spoon – with time, and some help from a remarkable, caring person, things got better. I hope you can find peace with your past, and I wish you and your fiancee the best.

      • Joe Says:

        “I’ve heard it said that transitioning is trading one set of problems for another, and from what I’ve seen it usually is so.”

        Absolutely. It’s more a question of which problems are more bearable. Regardless, nothing in this world will change what you or I or anyone else has been through and I think that part of the folly that transfolk fall into is the belief that it will make them someone new and different. This is never the case and such high expectations will almost always result in disappointment, leading to more misery.
        Thankfully I was so out of the loop with reality that, until I was years into my transition, I’d never even heard of places like Susan’s. I never had any backing of other Trans people when I came out and even now I don’t go on there… primarily because I don’t want asspats and ‘you look gr8 man!!’ comments. I want answers, I want understanding, I want solutions and I often ask questions that have potential to offend said people only looking for these comments. I know all too well what it’s like to be influenced by the delusions of fantasy.

        And oh yes, Testosterone is indeed a powerful hormone. I injected it wrong just recently and got a taste of just how powerful it really is. In my carelessness, it didn’t go into the muscle but instead into the bloodstream. After the horrendous, sick feeling that lasted for days, I was on a downward spiral because I had just had Testosterone levels go from 100 to 0 in a matter of hours. Testosterone is not only powerful, it’s damaging. I know this first hand as I watch my blood pressure rise with every checkup. Thankfully I was born with a low blood pressure or I’m certain I would have had heart failure by now. and thank every sane piece of me that I kept my ovaries. At least I still have a choice.

        “Transition made it possible for me to be a happy, functional, caring human being – to love, to lose, to feel. I just can’t help but wondering if there was another way I simply hadn’t tried.”
        That is exactly how I feel. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite- like I took an easy road out of depression and misery. But I feel like I needed it to stay alive at the same time. It was not some free ride to Mansville, even when I actually transitioned. I think I worried my surgeon a little because I didn’t seem to have some ‘drunkenly high’ feeling after my top surgery.
        instead, I feel like I was a starving cannibal, and in order to survive I had to slaughter myself. The old me. The female. I can’t help but think that my tormentors in the past got the best of me- perhaps got what they wanted. ‘She’ is dead. ‘She’ will never redeem herself and ‘she’ was never even given a chance to.

        And I always ask myself ‘was there another way? A way I could have gone that I didn’t see in my blindness?’ The damage had been done to me by then, so I suppose not. Not in the state of mind I was in at the time. Nothing got through. It kept me physically alive and brought me out of my self-induced trance at least. And thus far I haven’t backtracked. For that, at least, I’m thankful.

        Thank you for your response, Kathrin, and best wishes to you as well.

      • Kathrin Says:

        @Joe

        “[N]othing in this world will change what you or I or anyone else has been through and I think that part of the folly that transfolk fall into is the belief that it will make them someone new and different.”

        That was one of the lessons it took me a while to learn, and ultimately one my family helped me with. I wanted to get away from everything I was, and ended up running away temporarily from the good things in my life too. I did change a bit (for one thing, getting the Testosterone out of my body did wonders for my ability to hold a coherent thought), but the things I changed were more because I realized that I was doing them for the wrong reasons.

        I had been living a life that consisted of nothing but responding to stimulai (pain, embarrassment, harassment, etc.) Now, I try to do things because they are the right things to do – a choice made because of ethics. My actions are much the same, but the reasons are better, and at my core I am, and will always be, me. Fortunately, I’ve come to realize that being me isn’t so bad after all.

        Like you, I hadn’t heard of Susan’s until afterwards – it is a cesspool of phony “validation”. When someone looks (or acts) like a train-wreck, it isn’t a favor to tell them they look great. The world isn’t a fantasy, and people will “call it as they see it”. Even worse are the people who are literally disgusting, but refuse to see it, or simply don’t care. I can understand wanting to be yourself, to “fly your own flag”, but that doesn’t give you the right to make others feel unsafe, unwelcome, or unable to have their own space.

        “I feel like I was a starving cannibal, and in order to survive I had to slaughter myself. The old me.”

        The old you isn’t gone, not really. Every memory, every experience (good or bad) is all still there somewhere. We all grow up, and can grow beyond aspects of ourself, but no matter where we go, there we are.

        Every good thing ‘she’ ever did, everything ‘she’ valued, or loved, or is, or ever wanted to be – it’s not dead. Not as long as you still live. Adversity can affect us, but it does not define us.

        For me, the best answer I have come up with to “was there another way” is “not at the time”. When I was hours away from killing myself, I made the decision that saved my life. I saw transition as horrible and awful, but it was easier on others than my death. For me to have taken another path, I would have needed to have the resources in the years leading up to my decision.

        I wish there had been more balanced information on transsexualism at the time – too much of it is either blindly pro-trans, or written in such a manner that I would have written it off as uninformed or inconsistent with my experiences. In the end, I might have still made the same decision, but I would at least have had the information to make a better informed choice.

        It would probably be interesting to “exchange notes” as it were. While it sounds like we may have a lot in common about the transition, suffering may have played a much bigger role in what ultimately led to transition.

        I think that perhaps the best outcome of all would be to render transition unnecessary. I hope that one day we as a society are able to heal the problem, instead of just trying to treat the symptoms, and that understanding the causes is the first step in that direction.

  12. GallusMag Says:

    I hope the young woman in the video knows that she is not alone- generations of females have struggled to deal with what she is dealing with. Ballbuster says it really well:
    http://ballbuster4ever.wordpress.com/2011/11/15/generational-consequences/#more-1005

  13. Bev Jo Says:

    Yes, that’s an excellent article.

    Joe asked for suggestions of what could help, and I think going back to what we did in the early Seventies of having “consciousness-raising groups,” which were leaderless small groups on different topics, where we no longer felt alone, but could explore with others who were feeling similarly. It also means thinking in a politcal context, which helped tremendously to feel like we had more control of our lives than we thought. We became active instead of passive, but most importantly, we helped each other. It’s what I was trying to describe above — of trying to have a community and political solution instead of an indivdual and personal one, which is only more isolating.

    I think it would really help to find others who feel similarly and to explore why. Of course we, as females, are meant to grow up hating ourselves, not feeling right in our bodies, everything being wrong. Since most girls are sexually assaulted, that adds to feeling like you want to be free from that happening again. Girls and women are never supposed to feel safe and okay.

    I think the general attitude now is to be given drugs and then think about “transitioning.” What would happen instead, if self-hating girls could share support and talk out all their feelings — not in the context of “transitioning” — but in knowing it makes sense and is normal to feel terrible about being a girl in patriarchy. Nothing is wrong with them — it’s the female-hating culture around them.

    • Joe Says:

      I think you’re right, Bev. I think a lot of my issue with myself being perceived as female by others is the terror of my history and lack of control associated with myself being female. Sadly I was not spared the physical, emotional, mental and sexual abuse at the hands of men much bigger, stronger and older than I. I’ve been a victim of all of the above since around the 4th grade and the nightmare didn’t stop until I entered high school.

      It’s not that I think that females can’t do anything/everything so desired- women certainly can. It’s only society holding so many girls back and I’m in awe of those who have the will to combat it. My fiancee is such a powerful woman. She fears nothing and is about to graduate, at 4 years my junior, as a cardiac surgeon, because she wants to and because she can. In one of my classes, we read a book called ‘Racism without Racists’. It was amazing and eye-opening and I can’t help but feel that it is applicable to sex as well- ‘Sexism without Sexists’- Shut up, be grateful and color in the lines. remember that it’s color-by-number, too.

      And to be frank, I don’t know what I feel about gender any more either. I suppose my bias comes from the fact that Sociology is my major, but I’ve always sided with the belief that nature < nurture and that society dictates so much more than we give it credit for.
      I know that I could have done anything I am doing now if I still presented as female. Literally, anything at all. Biology is not a factor in what someone can or cannot do.

      While I don't regret it, I feel like I've transitioned into being trans more than anything else. I have the primary characteristics of one with the secondary 'surface' of another. Yet when I think of possibly detransitioning, even to go off of hormones, I start to fall into that fantasy trap again. My safe haven that protects me not only from the downward spiral but from being a productive member of society.
      I can't speak for all Transmen, so I can't say that my experience is typical, but I'm still searching for answers relating to my own experience. The biggest question in my mind is 'why am I such a hypocrite'? If I truly believe that nature < nurture then why did I go this route? Why couldn't I just change my mind?
      I just want to be happy in life, but I'm just so tired of fighting the current everywhere I go. I feel like this was an 'easy out' for me, yes. And I hope that people don't hate me for taking it on the one side… or hate me for admitting it on the other.

      Anyhow, in answer to what you last said, Bev, I think that if more females were told these truths and brought up without fear and with the knowledge that they can do anything, we'd have a whole lot fewer 'Joes' and many more of 'Joe's fiancees'. I will try to wrack my brain for ways to get this message out there to young, self-hating, impressionable females. Girls are not only never meant to feel safe and okay, they are not supposed to feel whole, capable, complete, intelligent, free, worthwhile or strong in any sense of the word… as well as a myriad of other positive, self-affirming feelings and sensations that increase quality of life, pleasure and sense of self-worth.
      Even if I magically grew a penis and swapped an X for a Y tomorrow, nothing will shake the fact that I know this misery firsthand.

  14. hotaruXwhy Says:

    Watching this made me very, very sad. I cried watching it. What made me even more sad than the fact that she hates being a woman (and that’s awful) is the fact that she seems totally resigned to the idea that the world will always be the same, will always treat women as second class, and that it can’t be changed. I sincerely hope that the collective effort can be made to prove her wrong.

    Myself, I’m biologically male, and I won’t identify as being trans as i don’t really feel like I fit into that box, but I will say that I’m definitely very gender dysphoric.

    Say what you will about that. I realize that in posting this, I am an uninvited guest here. I saw some people who identified as other than FAAB posting here, and considering that I was literally moved to tears by this, I decided to post myself, and I hope that’s ok.

    Watching this reminds me that the phenomenon of gender dysphoria is such a poorly understood thing, and that the current attempts to shoehorn it all into an easily digestible trope of ‘man trapped in woman’s body/woman trapped in man’s body’ seem so woefully inadequate to me, as do attempts to place the entire blame on socialization. I feel like we just don’t KNOW yet.

    Myself, I don’t feel like my body should be male – in fact, the constant daily reminder of that pretty much sickens me.

    But to say that I should therefore be female? Others who experience this might be able to say that with more confidence (whether they’re right or not is of course a debate which heatedly continues) but considering that I lack a frame of reference by which I might reasonably compare the two, I just can’t say it with any confidence at all.

    I think it’s quite reasonable to assume that there could possibly be biological factors, perhaps some sort of natal development that contributes to what’s often called gender dysphoria, or perhaps more accurately the persistant feeling of being incongruous to one’s own sexual morphology. I speak from personal experience when I say that the pain associated with that feeling is very, very real, and the limited amounts of study put into the subject have returned at least some evidence of morphological brain differences that exist among those who are gender dysphoric. That’s not to say that they’re therefore brains of the opposite biological sex, just that they’re different. I strongly suspect I’m one of the people possessing such differences in my head, but who knows.

    Watching this also reminds me of something else, though – that it’s also quite reasonable to assume that there are any number of cultural factors that contribute to gender dysphoria as well. So many things contribute to shaping our personal head space – and there’s of course no reason whatsoever to assume that external stimuli of patriarchy, as ubiquitous as it is, and the neuroplasticity of our brains don’t interact to produce gender dysphoria from scratch and/or heighten it in those who may in fact be biologically predisposed to it.

    Realizing that also reinforces the fact that that I wouldn’t wish the psychological anguish associated with gender dysphoria, no matter what its cause may be, on anyone. It is HELL.

    Therefore, if the structures of patriarchy and the hierarchies it creates do contribute to it in any way whatsoever (and they undoubtedly do to some degree as this video shows, despite the fact that the way it manifests itself here may differ some from the phenomenon of being persistently disgusted at one’s own body and therefore perhaps wishing to transition) it makes sense, to me at least, that whatever personal path one undertakes in order to attempt to alleviate gender dysphoria, that one cannot forsake a collective path to alleviating it as well, considering that we’re talking about real human suffering.

    While the debate will continue as to whether there are biological factors at play or not, or whether the medically prescribed path of hormones, surgery, etc is correct or not, to suggest that the problem of gender dysphoria can be eliminated purely by such individualistic means is to forsake our collective duties to minimize human suffering by changing the world in such a way as to maximize the chances, as best we can, that people will actually be happy in their own bodies.

    I guess I just I think that It seems utterly myopic to place an all-eggs-in-one-basket emphasis on individual medical treatment in order to free people from gender dysphoria (don’t get me wrong – I do think it can likely help in some cases, but for readers of this radical feminist blog, YMMV of course – I encourage you to disagree if you feel you should) when there are so many cultural factors that can contribute to it as well which might be mitigated or eliminated by our combined efforts to get rid of oppressive structures. Kinda crazy and selfish, too.

  15. hotaruXwhy Says:

    just a quick correction – in the above I said ‘natal’ and I (hopefully obviously) meant ‘pre-natal’

  16. luckynkl Says:

    Oh beautiful, beautiful woman, please do not despair. Be-ing female is a gift, tho you don’t seem to know that now. We are not only Mother Nature’s finest, but her favorite. Which has driven men mad with envy and jealousy throughout the ages. Because men are insignificant, useless pieces of shit taking up room on the planet who Mother Nature has no use for and at this point in time are obsolete has-beens. Men’s egos cannot tolerate this fact and so they try to destroy all that is natural so they can replace it with their artificial world so they can appear to be really, really important. But they’re simply not. Never have been, never will be, and are doomed to go the way of the dinosaur.

    Women must distance themselves from men and all that is man-made in order to recognize who and what we are. We cannot be part of men’s artificial world and have no place or business in it. Because females are elemental. As elemental as earth, water, fire and air. Females are the creators and create the wonderful kaleidoscope of all life on this planet and beyond. Men can’t create anything other than a mess. It is only in women’s profound love of what they create that men are even allowed to exist at all.

    So women’s first order of business is removing themselves from men’s artificial world and to go back to nature where our elemental selves can thrive in the beauty of all that is elemental in life and be all we were meant to be. You will never find self-love or thrive in men’s artificial world because men hate us. Because we are what he can never be. Elemental.


  17. Wow I’m impressed that there are actually transgender individuals out there who can discuss in a non hateful or degrading manner.
    There are not enough people like that out there.

  18. kittybarber Says:

    First, my thanks to Bev Jo for stating so clearly her experience, and mine. We are examples of what political awareness can do to change one from thinking she is somehow fucked up whenin fact it’s the world around her. Like BV, when I realized that I was far from the only one who felt this way, I was liberated. I had found my people! I knew, and went on to prove, that we could do ANYTHING.
    Lucky, spot on: If there had been no such thing as lesbian/separatists, there would have been no opportunity to test our theories: CAN we actually do anything, without men, apart from their world, their influence, their ‘help’?
    Joe. I have just one question for you. What do you mean when you say you always felt like a boy? Because that is the crux of the issue of transgenderism. what do trans people mean by this? If you mean you were unhappy because men abused you, I get it. You know, I was raped, molested, suffered incest, over and over and over. My childhood was a series of assaults and abuse at the hands of boys and men. Of course I didn’t want that. And of course it happened to me because I was a girl.
    But what I wanted was the freedom from that that boys have–to the extent that they have it–and the freedom to wear clothes that did not expose me and make me more vulnerable, to go places, to do the things that boys have the freedom to do. I did not want to be trained to be a house-slave. To be a slave to one man and all men. To be an object without a life.
    I think you’re sincere. Maybe you can ask yourself what the difference between us is. I don’t know why, but I knew that I wanted to change the world–and change my life in the process. And I DID. And I’ve had a wonderful time doing it!
    Kitty Barber
    Citizen
    Lesbian Nation

    • Joe Says:

      “Joe. I have just one question for you. What do you mean when you say you always felt like a boy?”

      After writing another book and a half, collecting my thoughts on the subject, I think it’s safe to say that I somehow internalized something before I was able to have long-term memory. My earliest memory from childhood had that preconceived notion that I was male.. yet I was not aware of genitals at that time. I was only aware how one expressed themselves as male or female. I naturally associated with male because of who I was. I was independent, intelligent, outspoken and threatening before I was abused.

      My shining moment in childhood, at the age of about 7, was when I told my misogynistic father ‘I’ll do what I want’ and then proceeded to sit at the head of the table, which, in his very chauvinistic mind, was reserved for ‘men only’. He tried to physically remove me by moving the chair, but I was so feisty that I’d grab the entire table, which moved right along with me. If the chair was taken, I’d stand there like nothing had happened. He tried to argue about ‘tradition’ and I told him wanted nothing to do with it. After only a few episodes of this, my seat permanently became the head of the table.

      The abuse I endured at the hands of my mother’s boyfriend, however, killed that person inside me and all desire to fight oppressors died along with it. My father may have been a misogynist and a hateful man, but he was Mother Teresa compared to who my mother got with shortly after their divorce was finalized. His abuse was the hell that drove me into fantasy and fear, and was what finally drove me to a state of ‘transition or death’.
      Knowing all of this, you’d think it would be so easy to just accept, but it isn’t. The knowledge of what caused me to transition does not change the fact that the world is a terrifying place for any woman and that my mind, nerves and heart just couldn’t take the stress of it any more.

      • kittybarber Says:

        I was independent, intelligent, outspoken and threatening before I was abused

        So was I. And did not change. Instead, had the luck, perhaps, of realizing that I could not survive in the world alone. I found others like me, and we defended one another, protected each other, learned from, and with our sisters. Why are intelligence outspokenness “male” traits? THEY ARE NOT. Why did you see them that way, when II did not? I lived in the boondocks of Northern Minnesota. I, too, was abused. Why me, and not you? And why did you not find support later on? Further, WHY NOT NOW? It isn’t too late. You are still a woman.

  19. SheilaG Says:

    Kittybarber– you are on target with being a part of the great separatist movement… Michigan’s purpose was to have women be able to do every job without any males present at all.

    The purpose of separatism is to give women the chance to test the all female world, to create it and work in it.

    That in itself is life changing, just like being in all lesbian environments. The trans movement is reactionary, in that it purports to know the experience of “feeling like a woman.” A male raised in patriarchy has no such knowledge, and can only “feel like a projection of what males think a woman is”— it’s why it is a reactionary anti-feminist movement, largely male based. It is the ultimate colonization of women, and men feared women were getting too close to real freedom. It is no accident that male science once again tried to intervene… just as psychiatry tried to intervene, and Freud invented absurd terms like “penis envy” at the time when the feminist movement was really going for it. No accident at all.

  20. Bev Jo Says:

    Thank you too, Kitty. I wish all females could experience that amazing time when we found our own kind and built a powerful community based on love for other Lesbians. That’s a magical thing to share. And that’s why it’s a mystery to me about why any female would want to become male. As Joan Armatrading sang, about being harassed as a Lesbian: “What we’ve got is the best!”

    And you are so right, Lucky.

    I don’t understand why it’s not clear how males as a group are the enemy, and so why would young women want to become them, even as a protection of them? A friend of mine said she didn’t want to be raped any more. But when I questioned why she wants to identify with the rapist class and how she could inadvertently trick women into thinking some men are safe, she said she was making a different kind of man. But no, she’s just made a different kind of woman.

    Other young women who a friend interviewed said that they wanted better jobs and more chicks.

    The increased privilege is real, but these are still women. Only the exterior is changed.

    I keep wanting to think of ways to support these girls and women to not hate themselves — or us — enough to try to stop being female. But really, they don’t want to be us, so perhaps they wouldn’t value support. And many are het women who are trying to find a way to be with gay men. (Does anyone know how Gay men feel about women calling themselves “Gay men?” I don’t like any identity appropriation.)

    I think there are a lot of reasons why females might want to be male, but I think it’s very different for men claiming to be women. What is “gender dysphoria,” when gender is just made up to separate and control females? I have talked with and read so many men claiming to be women and they aren’t even close to understanding what a female is. Of all the groups of men, they seem among the least aware. Invariably, their idea of female is insulting and fetishing and caricaturizing of us. One female impersonator, from Aotearoa/New Zealand, had his way paid to an LGBT conference in Oakland, which would not make a sliding scale for poor Lesbians. But they must have spent thousands on this man who had left his wife and kids because he later decided he was a Lesbian. He told me how the Lesbian professor and students in a women’s studies class taught him how to dress to look like a Lesbian since he had been in extreme feminine drag (that’s how in touch he was with being a Lesbian). But apparently no concern for them or loyalty to them since he was representing Lesbians from his country. Meanwhile, he acted as if he was the treasure of the conference, and I was not able to pay the $200 just to get in. No differentiation between how little money women have compared to men.

    “Transgender” is a mass delusion. If there was enough media attention on people who are claiming to other animals and having extensive plastic surgery, you know a whole movement would be built around this, with billions of dollars involved.

    Those who think they are trans should explore in depth why they want to be a different sex to find out what’s going on — because no one can change sex. It’s way more than appearance and socialization — it’s way deeper into mind and spirit. Liberal feminism led us in the direction of saying there are no real biological differences to explain male violence — really, women should just spend even more time trying to raise non-sexist males. (I’ve yet to hear a man not know that it’s a biological, unchangeable difference.) The logical progression is to think, why not be able to change “gender” then? But it’s no more possible for a man to become a woman than a man become a lizard or bird. We have to stop feeding the mass hallucination and not go along with even a little part of it.

    The most important thing is to just keep saying the truth. I see how afraid women are to use male pronouns for female impersonators. They want to and they know it’s true. None of the many Lesbians I know would consider being involved with these men. Even the most male-loving make that absolutely clear. But we know how hard it is to be yelled at, called names, and get death threats for continuing to use male pronouns for men. It’s like a strike. If we all said the truth, we would not be able to be stopped because most of us agree deep down. I see the light going on when I keep saying, “Yes, he is still a man. No male surgeon or drugs can make a woman out a man.”

  21. Bev Jo Says:

    You said that so well, Sheila. Yes, the “trans” movement, besides an illusion, is really the ultimate colonization of females. They have tried so many methods to shut down and eliminate feminists and feminism. Before modern feminism, men tried to speak for us, but that became too obvious. Now they are doing it again, but pretending to be us.

    I’m curious how many men claiming Lesbian identity have gotten into power positions in Lesbian communities, as “our” historians, columnists, etc. They might as well be government agents, which some surely are.

    Joe, how you described your young self has nothing to it intrinsically male. All those are female qualities. Perhaps you defined yourself as male in your mind because the alternative was to think “freak” or “queer,” which is what I did with my not seeming like a proper girl and refusing to obey male rules. It looks like you just acted as a natural girl and fought against female-hating orders. But the real basis seems to be about your safety. How would you feel if all males suddenly disappeared, or you knew they could never hurt you again?

    • Joe Says:

      @ Kittybarber and Bev Jo
      Since I can’t seem to find a clickable response tag, I hope you don’t mind me addressing you both here in this post.

      I should have chosen my words more carefully there, since that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean to say that those traits were actually ‘male’ or even ‘masculine’. What I meant was that they were more often associated with ‘male-ness’ by the mainstream media, and that was all I had access to growing up. It pounded itself in my face from birth and so it’s only natural that, since I didn’t identify with what the world told me was ‘female’, I enjoyed things that were more ‘male’- and the quotes here are very, very important. I don’t believe that any of those traits belong to a particular sex. In my mind, no single trait belongs to any sex whatsoever. Our patriarchal society simply holds a lot of them hostage for the purpose of power and cookie-cutter citizens.

      @kitty, As to the ‘why me and not you’ part- If only I knew. I’m slowly trying to search for the answer to that question as we speak. That’s the reason I am here, usually a silent reader, is for those answers. Perhaps for the bravery to go back one day rather than stay stuck in a sort of limbo… at least for the chance to advance in my life. I have asked myself ‘will I ever detransition?’ and I don’t know. I think the fact that I’ve kept my ovaries and am holding onto them for dear life says that I want it to be possible… but I know that I can’t right now.
      I’m so close to finally getting my degree, I’m so close to moving in with my girlfriend and starting a career. It’s not that I can’t do these things as female, it’s that I can’t function in this society as female without being so scared of everything, day and night, that I drive myself back into extreme anxiety, depression and fantasy. I’ve tried drugs, I’ve tried therapy, I’ve tried group therapy and more. I exhausted my resources. All of this, (plus the fact that I’d withdrawn from the world, making me lonely and isolated on top of all of the above) morphed into suicidal tenancies that, sometimes, only a miracle made me pull through. I threw up the pills while I slept, my car died while I was trying to suffocate myself on the fumes. I guess something didn’t let me finally just -go-. But I can tell you that history would repeat itself and while it’s not the best existence, it’s better than not existing at all.
      For now, anyway.

      @bev, I think if the world changed to either have no men in it or to have it so they were unable to (for whatever reason) cause me any harm, I would not only feel more comfortable being perceived as female, but would feel better as a whole. Probably not perfect, but a lot better.
      It certainly would be a huge weight off my shoulders, but I know it wouldn’t be fair to do in practice. Surely there are some men out there who aren’t horrible people or potential rapists/abusers… but I feel like (and I know this is very sexist, so please forgive me) many of them are ticking time-bombs.
      Every male who has ever abused anyone ‘seemed’ like a good person. on the surface, and then one day they just ‘went off’ and abused, raped or even killed somebody. And usually their victim is a woman.
      It’s true that females can be a certain kind of abusive, but in all my years… including 4 of them spent in the military as a crime-scene photographer, all physical abuse I’ve seen or been on the receiving end of has been from the hands of men.
      Some days, after documenting girls and women, including ‘trophy wives’ who had to have a translator there with them, who had been abused, I would sit in my car and cry. Whether or not these things ever happen to me again doesn’t matter. The threat will always be there, and it will always be 100-times more present in the life of someone who presents as female, even if that is a lesbian female. Perhaps even MORE so as a lesbian female because they represent the latest threat. “Kill an Injun, protect your country and get a Medal of Honor” has become “Rape a Lesbian, protect male privilege and become a REAL MAN.”

      • wohom Says:

        Joe, thank you for your contribution to this dialogue. I think it is important part of this conversation.

        You say, “I think if the world changed to either have no men in it or to have it so they were unable to (for whatever reason) cause me any harm, I would not only feel more comfortable being perceived as female, but would feel better as a whole. Probably not perfect, but a lot better.”

        Do you see your “transition” as kind of being female going “incognito” as male? Do you still, privately, identify as a “woman”?

        It seems as if the trauma you experienced in a woman’s body has made it, at least at this time, impossible for you to function as a woman in a world with men’s sexual violence hovering around, and descending on, women and girls at all times? I used to walk hunched over, to minimize my breasts, and wear large, bulky clothes–even in the summer when it was hot as hell–in order to be as “incognito” as I could pull off. I couldn’t wear shorts for over twenty years, because I was mortified what would happen if any of my female flesh were exposed. What do you think of the idea that “transitioning” as on (the end of?) a continuum of all sorts of unhealthy and damaging survival practices that women and girls employ to survive in a predatorial world?

  22. SheilaG Says:

    Bev Jo, shocking as this may sound, there were many trans who were leading lesbian groups in town.
    They also give keynote addresses at the Human Rights Campaign… Gallus has a video of that was on here a few weeks ago. A trans gave the key note address at a professional woman’s organization, thus acing out a woman who had joined the organization to get opportunities like that in the first place.

    I know of a few women who call themselves lesbians who are in relationships with trans calling themselves lesbians. When I questioned them further, they were form hets or bisexuals… like Chaz Bono’s partner who says she is bi… no big surprise there.

    And shame on the lesbian organization that didn’t have sliding scale for lesbians, and then paying thousands for some trans idiot from New Zealand. Lesbians have just got to stop giving money to non-lesbians and every cause under the sun except ours!!

  23. Daisy C. Turtle Says:

    I used to hate being a “girl” too. The vulnerability that young females feel growing up in this culture is incredible.

  24. Bev Jo Says:

    It was an LGBT group, not Lesbian. I expect better from Lesbians. Gay men were at registration when I asked about a sliding scale. One called me a “Marxist.” It was almost funny. I have never been a Marxist, socialist, etc. I was a Lesbian Feminist who became a Separatist soon. But I guess if you ask if poor Lesbians can get in more cheaply than rich men, you’re a Marxist.

    I haven’t known anyone who was lovers with a trannie man. The ones I see are always on their own.

    And yes, they get into any power position they can and then take away what little Lesbians have.

  25. Bev Jo Says:

    Oh Joe, I don’t believe you are sexist at all to fear that most men are potentially very dangerous. Did you see what I wrote at my blog about that? Yes, usually their victim is a woman, and usually someone they know or feel they “own.” Women come no where near men in terms of assault, murder, etc. And almost no women attack strangers — unless they are working with men.

    I always say that Ted Bundy, who raped and murdered so many girls and women, presented as an exceptional feminist man. And I always say that you never know what the nicest of men do when alone with babies or animals.

    So don’t feel alone in your fear. But then why would you want to appear as one? Have you tried learning self defense and how to shoot a gun? I’m thinking if the main reason you are wanting to appear as male is to feel safe, there are other ways. It just seems like a terrible waste and terrible price to pay.

    I know what you mean about feeling vulnerable as a Lesbian, but we actually are a lot safer than women who are intimate with men or around them a lot. Yes, they hate us and want us dead, but they are also afraid of us. It’s possible to get to where you really don’t have worry or think about men much at all.


  26. luckynkl’s post brought a tear to my eye.
    “We are not only Mother Nature’s finest, but her favorite.”

    Sniff. This is true.

    The woman in this video is really aware of the world. She comes across as a budding radical feminist. She’s just hasn’T found a radical feminist book yet, but when one does fall into her hands, she won’t look back.
    It’s denial that holds back women’s progress. THis woman is not in denial.

  27. FeistyAmazon Says:

    “Women must distance themselves from men and all that is man-made in order to recognize who and what we are. We cannot be part of men’s artificial world and have no place or business in it. Because females are elemental. As elemental as earth, water, fire and air. Females are the creators and create the wonderful kaleidoscope of all life on this planet and beyond. Men can’t create anything other than a mess. It is only in women’s profound love of what they create that men are even allowed to exist at all.

    So women’s first order of business is removing themselves from men’s artificial world and to go back to nature where our elemental selves can thrive in the beauty of all that is elemental in life and be all we were meant to be. You will never find self-love or thrive in men’s artificial world because men hate us. Because we are what he can never be. Elemental.”-Lucknykl

    Luckynykl, thanks so much for that! It is only on womens’ land and ritualling with other womyn have I felt this PRIMAL FEMALE POWER, and ONLY in wbw space! There is a genetic connection that goes back to the First Female 90,000 years ago, a long, long line of Primal Femaleness in Power that cannot be disguised or denied….and our Lesbian Love brings it ever so more greatly to the Foreground. Truly I think Lesbians open to these realities who are in touch with their primal Elemental Female Nature
    can really understand this, separate from men…but so much of the trans movement has been about destroying these sacred Spaces, and eliminating them. So many of these young women have NEVER been in such self loving womyn only spaces…honoring of their Female Minds, Bodies and Spirits…..

    I look at her, and she has given herself to stereotypical femininity. If she hates all that, why not cut her hair, dress more Butch, wear a t shirt and casual clothes, cut the coy overly feminine gestures, assert herself and most of all TAKE UP HER SPACE AND BE PROUD? Oh, cuz we no longer have a strong proud Dyke movement, we no longer have our women’s bookstores, our safe refuges from men, our Lesbian and womyn only venues, everything has been ‘queerified’, even our Lesbians…nobody is proud in the queer movement just to be Female or a Dyke anymore…….no wonder the self hatred continues….and even just basic Feminism is a dirty word, and should you CRAVE that dyke and/or womyn only space, then you’re being ‘gads’ SEPARATIST, and what a baddy discriminatory thing THAT is….

    I NEVER had the feminine privilege this female had….and I HATED being a girl….as a girl. I wanted so much to be a boy. It had NOTHING to do with wanting an ugly penis…it had EVERYTHING to do with wanting EQUAL social opportunity and not to be forced into dresses and stereotypical femininity or to be married off to a man(thank goodness I could resist THAT)!

    I LOVED when the Feminist movement came about, and it wasn’t till I came out as a Butch Lesbian, taught by the other Butch Lesbians and proud radical Lesbians and Dyke Witches, that I could be PROUD of being Female, Butch, and a Dyke! That I had a place in the world with my Sisters at my side, whether we agreed or not, and that we were going to have the ‘Women’s Revolution’ and change the world…alas….it seems like we’ve gone backwards instead….sadly…..

    The more women that transition as a solution to the Female Problem, the more self-hatred ANY Female will have because she does not ‘fit in’, instead of absolutely expanding the definition of what a Female can be and do….(born female). And that we can learn not to hate our bodies/minds and spirits any longer while we continue to agitate for change for all bio Females!
    -In Sisterhood,
    -FeistyAmazon

  28. doctressjulia Says:

    She is so amazing and beautiful… I send her radfem hugs from far away…

  29. SheilaG Says:

    it seems very weird that this femmy fakey voice is coming out of this woman, and she thinks the solution is to take hormones and turn into a man.

    It is very odd that this seems to be so much a part of femm women, because I never met a butch dyke who had any concern about this at all.

    Women don’t have to stay trapped in fake femininity, the articially high voices, the simpering style… just get serious and be serious. You can wear pants, get your hair cut and be butch… but again this het simpering is about being trapped in femininity, and I just never was interested in fake hetero normative woman role playing… I often find it exhausting being around women who are so obsessed with clothes, shoes and make-up… so these types feel the only option is to transition, but again, since the whole thing is about patriarchal control, women could easily rebel… well obviously it is not so easy for them, because they give in to the social pressure and are afraid to stop conforming.

    The het woman is the ultimate prisoner of social coersion.


  30. My heart goes out to this young woman. I went through a period of my life where I, too, did not want to be a girl/woman, but like the poster, I never seriously considered transitioning, either. I was told by a woman I was very much in love with that if I was a guy, she would spend her life with me. But according to patriarchal religion she could not do that with me as I am. So sad.

    But now I KNOW that many of the strongest women out there are dykes. I still wish that I was *physically* safer, but I don’t blame myself or my body for that (and my body is part of myself)–I blame this fucked up male supremacist system I live under.

    Joe, it takes a lot of courage to share what you have.Big kudos to you, and I hope you’ll never let yourself down in the fight for freedom.

  31. Alee Says:

    Damn. I mean, her feelings are understandable – being a girl makes you so vulnerable in this world – but I really hate that she made a whole video saying how awful it is to a be a girl period as opposed to being angry at the patriarchal world that makes female existence so awful a lot of the time. Don’t know, I’ve always been far more girl oriented, even during the confused time when I though I was hetero (then I was asexual and in denial), so this feeling of wanting to be a boy so badly is sad and strange to me. Want some of the privileges that come with being male. Want an end to patriarchy. But fucking hell, don’t actually want to BE one of them. I’ve had (and continue to have, though to lesser extent) a lot of insecurities and at times have wanted to be different. But it’s important to always name the things that cause you so much pain. I think once this women becomes more familiar with radical feminism and just what causes these feelings she’ll be ok. I’m glad she’s not really considering transitioning though. Doesn’t look like the type who does anyway – the ones I see are usually thin, white, gay male-identified andro dykes. I hope she sees the light soon.


  32. One of the most common search terms used to find my blog is “I hate girls.” Are men really that aware of the hatred with which they act towards girls and women that they would google “I hate girls”? Or is it girls concerned with the loathing they feel towards their own sex?


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