FFS Regret

April 13, 2012

“I can barely think right now….

I had FFS 9 days ago in Boston.  I’m not supposed to decide whether to jump off a cliff for another three months.  I posted about this a while ago… the post is probably still on here.

At 9 days I’ve already decided that this is a nightmare.  I should have never had FFS.  I wasn’t ready to transition.  I wanted to be James still too much.  There are warning signs all along the way.

I never effectively communicated to the surgeon what I wanted.  I made the terrible choice of not being aggressive enough in the pre-op meeting to go through the long list of thoughts I had for the doctor.  I failed to explain to him fully what I wanted.

This doctor I went to is considered one of the best in the country.  He believes he is the best.

What I have is what people call “buyer’s remorse.”  It’s one thing when you go out and spend $100 on an outfit that you wound up hating.

Getting a completely new face is another kind of remorse.  This is much more serious than anything I’ve ever done and it has potentially deadly consequences.

I was the wrong candidate for FFS from the very start.  I hadn’t gone through any proper planning.  I simply had the money to do it and I rushed it through with reckless abandon.  One procedure that I already don’t like, a lip lift, was $4,000 dollars and yet I just added it on as if I was at a grocery store checkout line and I was simply tossing People on top of my groceries… It was done just like that, without any thought of how it would really look.

It seems that I wanted a much more subtle, conservative approach than I thought I wanted.

This experience has been so excruciatingly painful, they tell you “Oh its not painful” but oh it is, you get to the 3rd day and you feel as if 5 days has gone by and you can’t believe time is going by so slowly.  This is a WRETCHING experience to go through, and you’re supposed to be relieved by the initial glances at what you look like.  Clearly I am the opposite- I’m mortified at the outcome.

People are telling me not to pull the panic button just yet but its hard not to.  I’ve fully realized this was a mistake.

I had no transition plan.  My whole transition has been started up and shut down many times through the years.  There was never a concrete plan of how to go forward.

When you have FFS, the goal is to make you instantly pass.  My face is said to now be so feminine that I can’t pass as James anymore and that terrifies me.  I hadn’t wanted to pass right away.  Even right up until the very end before the opreation, I was under the impression that this was going to create a slightly more feminine looking James, and not this dramatic of a change.

I would instantly reverse it in a heartbeat if I could.  I look at my face and see a face that’s going to have to need massive amounts of contouring to get it to look somewhat acceptable.  It’s long, lean, narrow, my jaw is gone (!), my chin’s still long, my face shape has been entirely changed which has caused me to panic because its a face that i do not recognize as my own….  its supposed to get better, you’re supposed to see more of your old self come back, and James couldn’t come back fast enough….

I already mourn the loss of a brother.  I loved him and I loved his face.  He was beautiful.  Why oh God did I have to do this to him?  Yeah he wasnt perfect, and he had some very masculine features… but most people didnt think so, people said he was a man with beautiful feminine features- they said he was pretty, i got so many compliments…. why did I have to obsess like this and want to change everything?  Why couldn’t I have understood that I was so blessed?

Why is it now that after all this has happened, that now I finally realize what i had?  You never know how much you love someone until they’re gone.

This is a lesson to all of us…. Our male faces are beautiful…. we don’t have to lose ourselves to become women….  Many transgender women never get FFS and are very happy…..  FFS is not a requirement, its not something you should ever feel forced into or that you have to do in order to pass… there are alternatives….

and for gods sakes when you love your face, for the most part, when you look at yourself in the mirror and like it, DON’T CHANGE IT…. so what?  We all have some feature we hate, Transgender women are often misled into thinking just because they have a masculine feature or two that means they can never pass… its simply not true….   We don’t have to change EVERYTHING about our faces to be happy.

I was someone that weeks ago hated everything about myself – i hated my nose, for example.  Today I am desperate to see my old nose, im panicking because my old nose is gone… I feel as if i’ve lost myself, my identity, my ethnicity… I said i wanted it to happen, i wished it would happen, i actually said that i hated my italian nose…. but oh GOD how much i miss it….

This operation is supposed to give someone confidence to move forward and step outside and be who they are, but for me its a death sentence… TOO MUCH was changed, my old face, even with its semi-masculine features, was a million times better than this new one….

because I am not ready to transition, not reayd to go outside as a woman, and i had this FFS done, now im in a terrible place – i go outside and God knows what people see now.  I’ve lost all control of my identity …. all I wanted was for James to look a little more feminine (and i thought he looked feminine already), all i wanted was to have better balance, a wider face – and what did i got?  an unbalanced, lean, unhealthy, narrow, face…. I allowed them to take away my jaw which I loved, and to give me something thats not even right for my body….  ad

so i guess ill wait and then post again.  This will be a series of posts about FFS and the consequences of doing it when its not planned right or when you’re not ready for it… . I was so self-conscious and so insecure about myself, and I went to surgery to try and change that… and i wasn’t even thinking it through, i wasn’t clear-minded when i did this…. it was all a terrible mistake.  i Have NO IDEA what im going to do now.”

[sic] From a transgender forum.

45 Responses to “FFS Regret”

  1. GallusMag Says:

    Gentle comments only.

  2. la redactora Says:

    How sad–and yet, he invests so much of himself in his appearance. But most people do, most people are that shallow.

    Remember kids, plastic surgery is real surgery. It’s not a game, and you certainly can’t put it back in the closet when you’re done playing dressup.

    • Honnesty Says:

      A life time of people telling you’re worthless and ugly for existing, will do this to you.

      You end up almost killing yourself, trying to prove them wrong.

      • GallusMag Says:

        Do you mean “almost killing yourself” by trying to fit too much volunteer work into your schedule, helping those less fortunate than you? I suspect not. I suspect what you mean is that you blame others for your unhealthy choices, “Honnesty”.

      • kesher Says:

        Yes, women have no experience with being told we’re worthless and ugly for existing.

  3. Bev Jo Says:

    It’s good he’s getting the word out. I wonder what sources/information led him to so this — peer pressure, the surgeon, a therapist? If only all would reconsider….

    Thank you, Gallus.

    • John Doe Says:

      “peer pressure…..therapist”……you saying that hit a personal note with myself.

      Although my therapist has never even mentioned FFS, I’ve lately realized just how “pushy” he has been with me over my transition. I’d been wanting to do things slow. Feel out each little move forward as I’ve went.

      I guess I can see how a therapist wouldn’t want a patient to stall in their process of moving forward, but he actually has been very pushy at times. ie…..he offered me an HRT letter without me even asking. I told him I wanna think on it before I start. The next week he was rather pushy on me starting ASAP. ie….he’s already starting to bring up getting an orchi. I’m still working on removing my beard and still feeling out being a lady outside of work on rare times and he’s talking about “get an orchi !!!!”

      Like you asked, I’d really like to know if James had anyone in their life who was pushing them.

      • Dorothy Mantooth Says:

        John Due, please find another therapist immediately. This man is harming you and IMO engaging in borderline malpractice; he is *not listening to you*.

        This is YOUR life, and no one–especially not someone who’s supposed to be helping you–should be pushing you to surgically mutilate yourself and claiming it will solve your problems.

        The fact is that odds are high it will not solve those problems, but other forms of therapy can make a huge difference for you.

        I’m sure there are others here who will offer you links or information about support groups that can truly help you. Please do check them out. You deserve real help, not to be shoved onto an assembly line with a scalpel at the end by people who don’t care how you feel about it.

      • GallusMag Says:

        It might be more helpful to find a therapist who does not specifically market themselves as a “gender therapist”.

        Generally those who make a living as “gender therapists” simply push everyone with gender issues through a cookie-cutter medical/surgical transformation. It’s what they basically exist to do. It’s a way for a practitioner to make an excellent living if they lack the therapeutic practice skills to do so otherwise.


      • You might also want to look at some photos of men who’ve had facial plastic surgery in general. Facial plastic surgery tends to look fake on everyone, but for some reason, at least in my opinion, it seems to be more horrific on males, even the ones who started out looking fairly feminine to begin with. The one in particular that comes to mind is Bruce Jenner. Dude started out a really good-looking guy, now he looks like, I don’t know what. I’m not sure if it’s lack of practice on the part of the surgeon or what, but men tend to come out looking even freakier than women do after having face work done. I would love to ask a surgeon if men have more unrealistic expectations, and that’s why their changes are so drastic. Obviously, plastic surgery is MAJOR SURGERY, and should not be done on a whim. If nothing else, the risks from anesthesia can be pretty damned horrific. I’ve almost coded on the table twice from anesthesia. That shit’s no joke. You couldn’t pay me to undergo ANY surgery unless I literally had no choice.

    • Honnesty Says:

      Of course, I’m sure to you, they would be ugly no matter what they did.

      Just like a fag, a jew, or a dyke would always be ugly to a Klan member redneck.

      And you wonder why 41% of them commit suicide.

      That statistic should make you happy though. You want them not to exist, and almost half of them eventually give into your request.

      Isn’t that what you want? And endless stream of dead trans kids?

      A leelah alcorn on every street corner, rotting – forever freeing you from exposure to their “terrible, corrupt life decisions” – that’s what you want, right?

      Or would you settle for sending them to gay camp, so they can learn how to be lees “deviant and perverse”?

      You see – if you take this site, replace the word “trans” with “gay” – then its every conservative Christian, anti-gay page every written.

      (Complete with references to “terrible immoral life choices”, “making a big mistake”, and “conversion techniques”.)

      The irony? Its run by a lesbian

      Hahaha.

      • GallusMag Says:

        Honnesty, sir- you seem to be responding to a conversation that is happening only in your own head, that no one else can see. It’s a bit disturbing. It is also quite offensive to me as the blogger, who takes time to cover issues and points of view that are neglected or taboo on other gender websites. I do this for the interest of my audience, a large part of which is transgender, both female and male. IF you are unable to respond to the discussion that is actually occurring, either in agreement or not, then your comments will not be published. No one is saying any of the things you claim, sir. And don’t think that your little homophobic dig escaped me either. Final warning.

      • Ashland Avenue Says:

        “…41% commit suicide.”

        A lie. A blatant lie, meant to manipulate and confuse. There’s absolutely nothing “honnest” about you.

      • GallusMag Says:

        “honnest” lolol

      • TG Says:

        That 41% figure refers to those who reported attempting suicide, not those who committed suicide – an important difference.

        Also important: The study that produced that number had serious methodological flaws. Adjusting for those flaws might bring the number close to that for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people.

        Interesting analysis of the study’s other findings and of what the flaws in the study’s methodology may mean: https://4thwavenow.wordpress.com/2015/08/03/the-41-trans-suicide-rate-a-tale-of-flawed-data-and-lazy-journalists/

  4. Ashland Avenue Says:

    This is heart wrenching. I really hope this person finds some solace and peace.

  5. la redactora Says:

    Though, now that I think of it, trans *is* all about the surface appearance of people rather than their substance.

  6. RoseVerbena Says:

    I can completely relate to his pain, although on a much smaller scale. I had a dental feature altered and I’ve regretted it for thirty years. My previous imperfection was unique — the “fix” made me more bland. I don’t obsess about it but I do regret that no one counseled me to think about how boring “perfect” can be and how beautiful “unusual” can be.

    That said, I think that what the medical industry is doing to “trans” people is obscene. It’s malpractice and bordering on criminal.

    Of course, I feel the same way about most of the mutilation being carried out by plastic surgeons. Closing a hole in the face of a gun-shot victim is the Godess’ work. Giving shiksa noses to all the little Jewish girls is obscene.

    • la redactora Says:

      I am about to play the politically correct card here but:

      I really do not like the word shiksa. Sorry! It has always come across as extremely misogynistic to me. I realize that in the
      scheme of things it is very small, but it is a religious or
      semi-religious judgment being levied against the majority of the women on the planet. People confusedly think that it just refers to non-Jewish white women. Not so. It refers to every non-Jewish (including some Jewish women) woman.

      I don’t think it should be given a pass just because it is a word from a minority language, or being used by a persecuted minority. Come on, it has its roots in Hebrew for “impure” and so on, see this site:

      http://www.faqs.org/faqs/judaism/FAQ/11-Miscellaneous/section-7.html

      And if it were really not about misogyny then “shaygetz” would have also made it into popular culture. But it hasn’t.

      Yes, I was born without a sense of humor. Yes, to the original point it is obscene that anyone would ever be pressured to whiten their features.

      • RoseVerbena Says:

        OK, I’ll use “nachriah noses”. It even illiterates. ;0)

      • GallusMag Says:

        Illiteration is my middle name!😉

      • Choco Says:

        Out of curiosity, are you Jewish? I am, and I never heard it to refer to anything other than a non-Jewish. I don’t feel bad using it, especially when WASPY girls ask me where do I hide my horns, or politely inform me that I am personally responsible for the death of Jesus, the financial crisis, and all the wars in history.


  7. How heart-rending. Best of luck for everything ex-James, if you read this
    x

  8. KittyBarber Says:

    The medical empire that takes advantage of people’s unhappiness–after having conributed to it in the first place–has a lot to answer for. Here is Dr. Speigel, who may be the Boston physician who performed the FFS. Listen to him tell us what beauty is.

  9. Darcie Says:

    So painful. Program that ipod with some India Arie, Strength Courage and Wisdom baby and make every day from this one forward about loving yourself. You can’t change your past, the only thing you can control is your future. Best of luck xoxo

  10. h Says:

    the fact of the matter is that many (if not most) trans women need some kind of FFS or (breast, hip) implants in order to pass in any meaningful way. obviously, plastic surgery was not the right thing for the article’s author. i’m not disputing that, but i don’t think he has the right to universalize his regret and be all like “KEEP YOUR MANFACE, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL ANYWAY”.

    inb4 comments calling me some kind of cissexist shill for the medical establishment; not all of us can or want to isolate in little queer bubbles, you know.

    • RoseVerbena Says:

      “…isolate in little queer bubbles…” ?

      • h Says:

        shiiiit. i assumed this blog was some kind of radical trans space where i could make people mad by trolling like that – i got direct-linked to this article from another site that didn’t adequately explain its context.

        sorry for the pointless comment😦

      • anon Says:

        LOL. I think I’ve got it figured out: Sure, you can live safely as queer in queer little bubbles but everyone will know that you’re trans — everyone. You might be able to fool people in walmart with fake boobs or a pill/injection produced beard (although the ability to fool even the most mainstream people is being diminished everyday BECAUSE of trans propaganda), but in “the bubble,” everyone will know that you’re trans and not the actual sex most trans want to have honored.

        So paradoxically, outside the bubble is where the true lunatics want to live because that’s where they can live the dream with the help of surgery and internet hypnosis or whatever. That’s where people can be fooled. That’s where people can fool themselves into thinking they’ve actually transitioned 100% and have won the golden prize.

        The isolated little queer bubbles are for people who aren’t completely insane (although they seem to wish everyone else WAS) and still care about personal safety.

  11. cherryblossomlife Says:

    I remember now reading an article years ago about women and nose jobs, and about how many women miss their old, flawed nose, because even though it wasn’t perfect, it was *theirs*. Nobody ever reports on this, but women who have had cosmetic surgery on the face feel a deep sense of loss, even if the face in the mirror is more objectively beautiful.

  12. which is which? Says:

    sucks that you had that regret, but I’m not too worried about mine, feeling my own face and the way the bones are layed out is enough for me to get dysphoria, I rarely if ever obsess over a mirror, instead I push painfully at the bone I want to not be there, to be curved instead of a masculine edge. for me FFS isn’t about passing, thought Its not not about it either, its about reducing the pain of not feeling like my skull is right.

  13. chris Says:

    So….since Apr 13, 2012 how are you doing? Still regret or happy with what you did??
    I’m about to get FFS. A mild one, with only the brow ridges shaved a little, with eye orbits opened up a bit. and trach shave. Mostly, I am getting a face lift which I think will help with future aging and cure the results of all those years in the sun.

    For me, taking off some of those masculine features will make me feel a lot better about me. I’m not going to transition and will continue living as a guy with a TS brain. Family etc is more valuable to me than full transition.

    Reading this blog was very helpful though.

    • Teal Deer Says:

      Umm… You might want to poke around and read some other entries here. I don’t think this is what you think it is.

      I’m glad to see you value your family over indulging your “TS” delusion, though. That’s refreshing.

  14. lyoid Says:

    “Where” and “When” you did your FFS? How much did you pay for FFS? How many hours of FFS takes? Why did not post before and after FFS photos of yours?
    By reading of your post( composed), I’ve found that You are just another TG or TS wanna be, who’s trying to get sympathy and attention from others.
    I believe you have not even done the FFS!.
    It’s just a DELUSIONAL writting(post).
    Please do not post the DELUSIONAL MAKE UP POSTS!
    Thanks.

    • GallusMag Says:

      Mr. Lyoid sir, you are a deranged man and I bet one million dollars that you have not undergone FFS and are probably a closeted masturbating autogynephile.

      • Lyoid Says:

        Posting a subject on the web meant to be a proven truthfulness and informative .It should not be from the reliable source, a copy or a self-make up story.
        We knew that you are a delusional MTF wanna be! And would not be able to answer our questions on the post. Because, this “ FFS Regret” post is a faked, delusional make up post.
        You reply has also pointed out YOUR PRESENT PERSONALTY.. We feel very sorry for you.

        Please do not fool around all the other real self TG and TS by posting make up stories. .
        Enjoy

      • mayimoktoo Says:

        Gallus is a MTF wannabe?

        Best lack of reading comprehension I’ve seen all day.

      • GallusMag Says:

        The gentleman appears to have some mental health issues.

      • nonny Says:

        Introducing our next episode of Reading Comprehension Failure Theatre: “Is it the intense self-absorption & general chronic verbal diarrhea, the bath salts, or the black-market hormones that are causing lyoid to babble nonsense into the comment box?” The answer may surprise you! (But probably not)

  15. Honnesty Says:

    BTW: Even, if you don’t “pass” completely, that doesn’t mean you’re not going to be objectified, cat-called, sexually abused, physically assaulted, etc.

    In fact, them finding out sometimes makes then objectify you more, because them you get to be this weird, internet fetish for them to dehumanize

    Of course, radfem lesbians objectify trans women as much in this way, as much as any scary random guy on the street…..so YAY, for not counting as a “real’ person, I guess.

    (Of course, we all just brought it on ourselves with our “horrible, deviant, lifestyle choice”. Right Gallus? You big lesbian you.)

    So remember trans people – weither you wear a dress, or jeans & T-shirt. Be you a tomboy or sexpot – you don’t get to count as a real person.

    Nope. You’re a horrible, abomination of the lord – just like gallus was when she came out as gay.

    Now let’s get out there, and make people feel like shit for existing! Yay!

    Such empowerment. Much equality.

    • GallusMag Says:

      Now you are downright falsifying quotes from me that I have never said. Fuck you! You are banned. Good riddance.

    • janetwo Says:

      Kudos to Gallus and this awesome blog. This blog always feel like its an island of sanity constantly repelling the assaults of the crays.

      Honnesty (could you have chosen a least appropriate nick, considering to you even lie to yourself?)

      Gawd….never came to your mind that the denial of reality and appropriation is what people find offensive? As far as I am concerned, people can be attracted sexually to whomever they want, can dress how they want and I have no problem accepting it. I always been a strong supporter of gay rights and minorities in general. I grew up in a family where my father, a cop, showed as much intolerance for domestic violence that it happened in gay couples or heterosexual couples. One of my ex loved cross-dressing. Everybody has a right to have a livelihood, to be protected against violence, to be with the person they love etc. But transgenders have zero right to force me believing in their delusions that biological reality does not exist. They have no right to define me as less of a woman because I hated dolls and pink and I liked science and climbing trees as a girl. I find the term tomboy highly offensive as I dealt with it all my childhood. It laid on my shoulder a burden of expectations on how to behave as a woman. I am born woman, the only kind of woman and its not defined by my behavior or the way I dress. The transgenders movement is profoundly misogynistic and buy into all the retrograde stereotypes of genders. Biological men and women are real person, intersex people are real person. A man cannot be a real woman, no matter how much surgery and makeup get involved into the process. Same thing for a woman going around pretending to be a man. Women have been historically oppressed due their role in reproduction, not because they wear dresses. That is in the historical record and its undeniable. Sexual orientation is a natural variation happening in countless other species, but it does not change the biological sex. I guarantee you that no male tranny had to worry about getting pregnant since their first period hit. For most women, its not who we have sex with, or what fetishes we have that is defining part our early experience. Its the consequences of getting pregnant that loom the most largely in our mind.

      Male transgenders trying to force their way into lesbian panties by calling them bigots deny their sexual orientation. Male trannies calling heterosexual males bigots because they don’t want to have sex with them deny their sexual orientation. You’re the bigoted, violent troll denying both the existence of the biological reality of humans as a dimorphic species and their legitimate sexual orientation. And as a group, you are bringing all the scorn you deserve because nobody appreciate to be gaslighted and then berated because they call you on the attempts at manipulation. And you cannot force people to be sexually attracted to you and deny their legitimate sexual preference for whomever they are attracted to. I personally would be horrified and enraged by anybody trying to hide from me their biological identity prior having sex, in the same manner than I would if they had an STD. I cannot recall, and I know many, any lesbians mindfucking me to have sex with her by telling me that really, she is a man. The gay people in my circle always have been respectful of others preferences, leaving the door opened for friendship when intimacy was not an option. Which is why I never had an issue for standing up for them. I don’t give a flying fuck you call yourself a woman, I sure will be the one risking a pregnancy if you have kept your pompoms and your lady peen. You think young girls are not at risk getting pregnant having sex with a teenage tranny with all his manly parts? You people typically have no clue where your rights blatantly infringe those of others. Its especially true with your constant attempts at invading segregated women space like bathrooms, lockers etc…The only exceptions should be limited to fully transitioned trans on humanitarian grounds to accommodate intersex people. There is no law stopping men with a dress to go to man bathrooms. But doing so would force you to fight a real fight against male stereotypes, and you are way too coward or invested in your fetish to take that on. Instead you hope for women to feel guilty enough to just roll over. Which is why you come here on a woman blog with your insufferable sense of entitlement and your ridiculous outrage. Your lot are directly responsible for young people committing suicide by encouraging them to believe that biological sex is not real and that it can be just hid under a carpet if only the mean people out there bought into their delusions. Its magical thinking at its worst and it endangers their health by pushing them to surgery and hormone therapy with unknown consequences for their future. Parents are made the villains for stating the obvious to their kids. Its their job to prepare their children for the world as it is, without Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, where you have to pay bills, where you get sick, and where your sex will define if you can get pregnant, buy tampons, wear condoms etc. I will always remember what my father told me when I asked him what he would be thinking if I was a lesbian: “I would be worried for you because with all the prejudices, your road would be much harder. ” Kids and teenagers enabled in their illusions break down when they get out of their cocoon because they are unprepared for the world and the world refuse to bend to their make beliefs. The transgender community should be ashamed to prey on their confusion.

      The road to mental and physical health passes by accepting our body as it is and realize that in the world where genders as social constructions are finally put to rest, people can do whatever they aspire to, can be with whomever they want to, dress as they like and express their preferences. But thanks for dropping by, its always good to be reminded of what kind of narcissistic, pompous, manipulative and dishonest crowd we are dealing with as women.


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