Atlas Strawberries- A Place for Trans Detransitioners to Share and Heal

August 24, 2012

“the worst part is, nobody in the community knows who I am anymore, so when I speak my mind and they yell at me, they just say, you don’t know, you’re cis you couldn’t possibly know.

but I know. I know too much and I wish I didn’t.

-anon”

“I’ve spent the last couple of years obsessing over the idea of medically transitioning. For the past few months I’ve spent more and more time analyzing why I felt those things, and I’ve spent a hell of lot less time absolutely hating myself. It’s still a struggle because I’m not completely comfortable with my body, but at least I’m not lying to myself about feeling like a man anymore.

-anon”

“They always say “there’s somebody out there for everybody!’

I have a hard time believing it. At least when I was calling myself a lesbian in the trans community there was this expectation that you could be a bit different, socially speaking. Now, I dunno. I realize now that I’m a heterosexual male. Straight women always want me to be more masculine, more like a real man. It’s not going to happen.

I don’t know, this maybe isn’t all that coherent, it’s just irrational thoughts maybe.

-anon”

“There’s something brutally funny about, hormonally speaking at least, basically being on my third puberty. In all seriousness though, I need my natural hormone production to level out again. Mid twenties is just too damn old for this shit.

-anon”

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13 Responses to “Atlas Strawberries- A Place for Trans Detransitioners to Share and Heal”

  1. Bev Jo Says:

    This is good to know about. Thank you, Gallus! I appreciate the men who admit they are het men and stop saying they are “Lesbians.” For those who feel rejected by women choosing to be het because they aren’t “masculine” enough and “real man” enough, they should try to find the women who chase gay men.

  2. Kathrin Says:

    Thank you for sharing this, Gallus. It’s good to see the other side having a space to share messages like this, without being drowned out by the activists who see it as personal attacks.

    All too often, people see any deviation from the “trans narrative” as an attack on themselves. It reminds me in many ways of the religious environment I grew up in – to question anything is to question everything. All or nothing.

    How much better things could be if the trans community could accept the value in finding truth wherever it may be.

    This one really spoke to me:

    “Something that I keep hearing over and over and over from so many of the people like me that I’ve talked to, is that starting to transition was the right decision at the time. It’s true for me too. It was absolutely what I needed at the time. Stopping was the right decision as well. I hate that people talk to me like I’m a “failed” transitioner. I just made the decisions I felt I had to make with the information that I had. Can anybody ask for more?”

    Transition has saved people’s lives, including mine, when we didn’t see any other other way out. I have the strength and the perspective now not to need it to be happy, and I wish more people would recognize the possibility that they don’t need it, either.

    • Ave Says:

      “Transition has saved people’s lives, including mine, when we didn’t see any other other way out. I have the strength and the perspective now not to need it to be happy, and I wish more people would recognize the possibility that they don’t need it, either.”
      I feel the same way to.

  3. Broken Says:

    Thank you for posting this, I’ve been looking for a site like this for a long time.

  4. Bev Jo Says:

    I believe that most of the men wanting to be Lesbians are bored with their het male lives, wives, children, careers, and are basically like entitled spoiled brats. I think most watch too much “Lesbian” porn made by men for men. Some believe they will have more power among women in a women’s community than they do as rather pathetic het men trying to get access to het women. And a few probably do feel confused about not being able to present like how men are expected to be and are obsessed with the shallow images and toys that men say belong to women.

    But for those who do feel upset enough to want to “transition,” I think it would be far better for them to focus on what power they do have to oppress but also to help — to think of others and how they could use their privilege to contribute instead of harming women. All I see is self-centeredness and narcissism. What they want, need, demand from women and Lesbians. How we owe them. (Why?) What we should give them. How we should make them more important than any female. How we should continue obeying them to put them first, no matter how that would mean betraying all females.

    Even when they decide being trans was a bad choice, it’s still all about them. It’s like a privileged toy to play with or give up, but I never see a deep questioning about what this cult and their decisions do to females, and how they hurt girls and women. It might be easier for them to think more clearly about it all if they just for a moment thought about anyone but themselves.

    • Ave Says:

      ” I think it would be far better for them to focus on what power they do have to oppress but also to help — to think of others and how they could use their privilege to contribute instead of harming women.”
      What are some ways in which that can be done to contribute?

  5. Ave Says:

    Awesome link Gallus I will definitively have to check it in full sometime. I liked the first quote you posted too; I’ve that alot, where if someone detransitions the ones who are physically transitioning will try to deride you and say you’re “just a cis and can’t understand anything.” whatever.

  6. Bev Jo Says:

    Ave, I meant to contribute as any man might do, as opposed to demanding women look after them and trying to take what little we still have. There are so many ways that men who say they are less male can help women and fight patriarchy, but they actually seem the most male in how they treat women and in their sense of male entitlement.

  7. moira Says:

    This is a new blog by a detransitioned ftm. It’s introspective and I think very thoughtful in examining the social/cultural influences and implications of transition and ftm identity. I am afraid that the usual pattern may play out–i.e., some transactivists will tell the author that these are merely sad personal problems, not worthy of cultural analysis. I can’t be the only one to notice how this rhetoric mirrors the usual rhetoric about sexual abuse and violence. We need to make sure we don’t lose the meaning behind “the personal is political.”

    I’ve written to this author and it sounds like she intends her blog to be a place where many different and even conflicting opinions may be communicated, respectfully. She’s seeking, exploring ideas, and trying to get to the root of things. I hope GT readers will support her and contribute important perspectives.

    http://crashchaoscats.wordpress.com/

    • Adrian Says:

      Thanks for that.

      It has me wondering… are there any similar blogs or writing out there by detransitioned M2T? (Actually I seem to recall one long “Ask Me Anything” thread on reddit that was linked somewhere, by an M2T who realized late into it that he didn’t actually feel “female” anymore and wished he hadn’t transitioned, but hey, what was done was done, full surgery and all, so he’d just live with it – didn’t detransistion, just lived a boring life in the modified body, while regretting.)

      In college I had a male friend who thought he wanted to be M2T, he was clearly more the autogynephilic type, or the “I can’t make it with the masculine requirements so I want to be a girly girl” type, FWIW the “gatekeepers” at the time rejected him for treatment (not surprisingly). I long ago lost all contact (he very emphatically told me to fuck off and never contact him again, is more like it) and so I have no idea whatever happened in the meantime, but given the easier availability of things nowadays sometimes I wonder.

      Either direction, the prevailing message being pushed so hard now is that people are so SURE of this “internal gender” thing from a very young age, and they’re never wrong about it and they never regret, but… yeah. Shenanigans.

  8. Tanurr,aka Sandy Says:

    I’m trying to detransition. Where do I go from having had a hysterectomy went off t. Been off t almost 5 years and still growing hair out my face like a man’s beard like I did on t! Do I just approach the whole thing like a transwoman would? I even got my birth certificate changed to male!

  9. GallusMag Says:

    To the person who wrote and asked me not to publish their comment:

    You asked “Are there any doctors who specialize in detransition work?”

    The answer is no. WPATH officially has no data or guidelines for individuals who wish to stop or reverse transition. You may find the answer posted here to be useful:

    https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/ftm-detransitioning-experience-quitting-t-and-getting-back-to-life-as-a-woman/#comment-63479

    If you are female looking for info posted by other females who have detransitioned you should read the same whole post and thread:

    https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/ftm-detransitioning-experience-quitting-t-and-getting-back-to-life-as-a-woman/

    Also contact the bloggers listed above or read their blogs. There is a large community of detransitioned women who share support and information and you can find them there.

    If you are male, contact Joel at http://retransition.org/ or follow his links to find other males with info and support.

    Good luck.

    If you are a medical provider or resident contemplating such a speciality you will need to pursue specialized training in endocrinology and reproductive health (as well as mental health) and you should also anticipate discouragement from colleague providers of transgender medical treatments (including WPATH and various journals if you choose to publish) as the field is highly politicized.


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