Transgender Feelings

January 25, 2014

650_Feelings-Wheel-Color

The Feelings Wheel by Dr. Gloria Wilcox

From a TransBlog post titled “The Feelings We Feel” by Angus “Andrea” Grieve-Smith:

“Here, then, is a first attempt at cataloging transgender feelings. Essentially I’m writing down feelings associated with transgender events or thoughts, or with trans people. If I’ve written about that feeling before, I’ve tried to link to that post. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list, just a starting point. Please feel free to point out any that you think I’ve missed.

I recently wrote that everyone’s actions are non binary in that they cross somebody’s line between men and women. Trans feelings are similar: as I write down the feelings I’ve felt and heard and read about, I realize how many of my friends and family have had similar feelings. Not all trans people have all these feelings.

It’s important to remember that feelings aren’t always logical. They’re responses to things that happen to us. Sometimes they’re rational, and sometimes they aren’t. That’s okay.

A lot of these feelings are superficial. That’s in part because I’ve focused on specifically transgender feelings, and some of them are superficial. It’s not that I don’t have deeper feelings, it’s just that those feelings are more universal and less trans-specific.

Sometimes I feel sad. I feel sad that when I’m naked and I look in the mirror I don’t see a beautiful woman. I feel sad that I don’t always see a beautiful woman when I’m wearing women’s clothes, and sometimes I don’t even see someone who looks like a woman. I feel sad when I hear women admiring each other’s clothing or grooming, but I’m afraid to tell them about my own women’s clothing or grooming, let alone show them. I feel sad when I see women being admired, but I don’t see any reason for anyone to admire me.

Sometimes I feel frustrated. I feel frustrated when I spend an hour on my makeup and am told to try on clothes in the men’s changing room. I feel frustrated when I’m in a room full of women who are attracted to women, and none of them show an interest in me. I feel frustrated that I have to spend an hour on makeup before I can look in the mirror and see a woman.

Sometimes I feel anxious. I feel anxious about being a man, because men are the dangerous ones. I feel anxious about being perceived as a man in a dress, because people are rude to men in dresses, and often hurt or even kill us. I feel anxious about attracting people that I’m not attracted to. Sometimes I feel anxious about just plain being noticed.

Sometimes I feel longing. I long to be sexy, to be attractive, to be stylish. I long to be admired, to be loved, to be accepted.

Sometimes I feel desire. I want to be a woman. I want to wear women’s clothes, to be seen as a woman. I want to be accepted in women’s roles, with the status of woman. I want someone to tell me I look pretty, or sexy. As Rick Nielsen said, I want someone to want me.

Sometimes I feel sexually aroused. I feel aroused when a sexy person desires me. I feel aroused when I look in the mirror or at a picture of me, and see someone who looks sexy. I feel aroused when I wear sexy clothes. I feel aroused when I imagine myself looking sexy.

Sometimes I feel excited. I feel excited about people seeing me as a woman. I feel excited about people admiring me. I feel excited about trying on new clothes. I feel excited about losing weight.

Sometimes I feel happy. I feel happy when my gender presentation looks good. I feel happy when I get comments on my looks.

I would be very surprised if any of you reading this feel the exact same mix of feelings I do. That’s normal. We’re all snowflakes. There is no one way to be trans. But from conversations I’ve had and descriptions I’ve read, I know that a lot of you have similar feelings. Please do let me know if there are feelings you’ve had that I haven’t covered.”

[sic]

48 Responses to “Transgender Feelings”

  1. belindieG Says:

    Buy a clue, pal. No woman wants to hear about your clothing, your makeup or your grooming habits. I don’t particularly want to discuss these topics with anyone, much less a guy in spike heels and lip-gloss. Women actually have other topics to talk about.

  2. born free & female Says:

    “Sometimes I feel sad. I feel sad that when I’m naked and I look in the mirror I don’t see a beautiful woman.”

    What a fascinating trans-specific feeling! Please explain it to me more – this is so different from anything that any cis woman has ever experienced!

  3. Adrian Says:

    What about those of us who look in the mirror and definitely see a woman, but it’s what we know society sees and identifies as an ugly woman?

    …what if that’s the look that fits us best anyway? Maybe we feel bad about that on occasion because we got messages saying “you should care more about yourself” and maybe we tried at some point to conform but it just felt alien, and it was way too much hassle, and too constrictive to move in, never mind the time it takes to put that mask on, and none of our (male!) coworkers did it, so fuck it, we just made the decision to “go natural” eons ago and now, well, we’re wrinkly, because we didn’t spend $$$$$ and time on face creams and moisturizers and goodness only knows what “at the right time,” and now, well, we only have our selves to blame?

    …and yet, secretly, our idols were always such older self-confident “ugly women” all the whole time anyway?🙂

    “If you keep just being a nerd you’ll be stuck like that” and then it happened and… hey, it’s not so bad?

    • branjor Says:

      It’s the ones who use the face creams, moisturizers and make up who get the most wrinkly because that stuff has chemicals which are bad for skin and age it prematurely. I’m 61, haven’t used make up or anything else but soap and water on my face all my life, and I’m not wrinkly.

  4. Motherhood Says:

    Priceless–is it a parody? My fav “I feel aroused when I look in the mirror or at a picture of me, and see someone who looks sexy. ” Oh I bet you do big boy. And there you have it–another hard on for himself imagining women are not vomiting into their mouths at the thought–what a prick a nasty all pubic hair stubble prick. Yep this guys arousal and erection is the new social justice cause.

  5. Motherhood Says:

    I just want to point out the “feelings” that are missing–compassionate,caring, empathy, concern, sympathy. Yes these are the self absorbed men with personality disorders and sexual compulsions–imagine that looking back at you every morning. Unimaginative cliched thinking sociopaths.

    • moira Says:

      Exactly. Funny, that. Not a stitch of feeling for anyone else here.

    • born free & female Says:

      Excellent, excellent point, Motherhood.

    • Granger Says:

      It reads like a chick flick summary without the (girl) friends of an ugly duckling wanting to become the queen bee.

    • Kayak8 Says:

      If this list of feelings is M2T specific, then I must be one of “them” and yet, I would need to add compassion, empathy, etc. so I guess I am just a woman.

    • silkyvelvet Says:

      @ Motherhood: Agreed. The narcissism is strong in this one. Like all other “trans” dudes, he’s 100% wrapped up in himself. It’s all about him, with no “feelings” of compassion for us real women. On a lighter note, when reading this asinine essay about his “feelings”, I had to laugh, because I immediately thought of this corny, saccharine ballad from the 1970s:

  6. moira Says:

    This is some premium offensive garbage, isn’t it? I have a special feeling of revulsion when males self-pity about lesbians’ lack of desire for them.

    This guy successfully got himself 86’d off of damn near every ftm- detransition blog on tumblr awhile ago, including mine…as evidenced here, he’s got terrible boundaries.

    This post brings to mind the brilliant words of 23xx (who, incidentally, laid down the law with this guy like nobody’s business): “it makes me angry when I read a trans woman’s description of what it means to “feel like a woman.” It’s always just an entire list of everything I am not, and yet I am a woman.” (from http://twentythreetimes.tumblr.com/post/69395537930/whats-wrong-with-being-butch)

    Dude: what you see after an hour of makeup application is anything but “a woman.”


    • What he see’s is a paint job hiding an erection… sad and vapid. There’s no there, there.

    • Adrian Says:

      What was he doing posting on ftm-detransition blogs to start with, if he’s an active M2T?

      Or maybe that’s just more of his lack of boundaries…

      Thanks for the link to 23xx, those words are indeed brilliant. Never have I EVER seen any description of “feel like a woman” that isn’t a pile of stereotypes, and yet still I have people insisting that a supposedly biologically-based internally felt “gender” and the external “gender role” are somehow different. Not only that, but if you ask those people if this is about physical genital dysphoria (about the only way I could possibly imagine someone thinking they have some internal “gender” that’s not about the external performance, although I don’t think I’d call that “gender” anyway – but there are people who similarly obsessed with hating other body parts) often they’ll say no, it’s not. They’re okay with the penis. They’ll insist that they don’t think women have to wear dresses, or anything (and often they’ll blame some women “gatekeepers” for “forcing the M2T to wear dresses” in order to better “pass”) and yet they sit there with a straight face and say still, they “feel like a woman inside.”

      NEVER is there anything even close to an understandable answer to it.

      Personally, I think they have some fetishized idea of how “women” are treated by others in society, apart from the clothing, and they fantasize about being treated that way. I.e., yep, auto-gynephilia. All the “I feel nurturing, and so I think I’m a woman” type pile of stereotypes fits right in with that.

      And oh, the lesbians won’t accept me. Well, if they really believed their mantra that they “are too really women!!!1!!1” then you’d think they’d be okay finding another M2T to get it on with, but that’s not enough, and that says all you need to know, really.

  7. cerulean blue Says:

    I think this is how PBS’ Mr. Rogers would sound if he were an autogynephile. And immensely shallow. Do trans really talk to each other as though they were four years old?

    Favorite paragraph:

    “A lot of these feelings are superficial. That’s in part because I’ve focused on specifically transgender feelings, and some of them are superficial. It’s not that I don’t have deeper feelings, it’s just that those feelings are more universal and less trans-specific.”

    So, trans-specific feelings are superficial. Finally, some honesty. Although writer should have written “a lot” instead of “some,” just to be consistent.

    Second favorite paragraph: “I would be very surprised if any of you reading this feel the exact same mix of feelings I do. That’s normal. We’re all snowflakes.”

    That brings me to my new backronym for Trans* — “Truly Regressive And Narcissistic Special Snowflake.”

    I figure since the trans have decided it’s perfectly okay to redefine what a woman is to include themselves (which has been done to exactly ZERO other oppressed groups), to the point where we aren’t even allowed to use the word “woman” anymore, instead being “people with uteri (because not all women have uteri and men have uteri TOO!!!!”) I think we have every right to take their cherished word and redefine it as we like. And more accurately. And really, the more backronyms the better.

    I’ve also decided I’m done with their butchery of the English language. At least the asterisk in my version stands for a real word. But adding a wild card term to the end of their word so that they can keep trans from having a definite, objective meaning? Nope. Totally against the rules of grammar and usage.

    And the ze/zir/zim/hir/wtf choose your own “preferred pronoun?” You don’t get to choose your own pronoun, dudes. Pronouns are objective (not subjective) words that exist to make communication less clumsy. People having to ask you which made-up or wishful word you prefer this week doesn’t make communication less clumsy. People having to call you “she” when you are clearly “he” doesn’t make communication less clumsy. It does the opposite. And while an indeterminate “they” was okay 200 years ago it’s also confusing. So I’ve decided trans* needs it own special pronoun, to match their unique snowflakiness. I’ll be using the third person pronoun “un” from now on, as in un-known, un-substantiated, un-reasonable, un-clear, un-real and all the other negative words associated with its usage as a prefix. If un don’t want be referred to by un’s actual sex, fine. But un don’t get to use “woman” and un don’t get to use our pronouns.

    /end rant

    • Mar Iguana Says:

      That brings me to my new backronym for Trans* — “Truly Regressive And Narcissistic Special Snowflake.”

      I like SCAMs: Surgically and Chemically Altered Males.

    • AreUSayingWhatUThink Says:

      “I think this is how PBS’ Mr. Rogers would sound if he were an autogynephile.”

      Thanks for the laugh. So apt.

    • Adrian Says:

      If they really wanted to get rid of gender in pronouns so that no one would ever possibly be “misgendered,” we could easily do that by following the example of other languages and having ONE PRONOUN. Use “he” if you want, or make up a new one – hell, go with “xe” if that’s what it takes, but the important part is we’d have ONE. Men, women, people whom you can’t tell at first glance, everyone is just “he.” “He” would cease to mean anything masculine, and women would all be “he” just as in modern language women acting in the movies are often just referred to as “actors” along with the men, and we’ve long since gone over to “firefighter.”

      But the interesting thing is, if I suggest this, in a lot of places there’s backlash – from trans people, usually M2T. Usually it comes in the form of “well, you’re some weirdo who insists you don’t have an internal ‘gender identity’ but most people DO, they really DO, in their BRAINS, and our ‘gender identity’ is really really really important to us, you can’t take gender out of language.”

      It’s the usual reification of gender – they want there to be gender, and they want that gender to be explicitly marked by certain external shibboleths that can be swapped out at will – definitely nothing about your BODY, because oh, transphobia. There must be very rigid gender boxes, but with themselves firmly in the “other” box.

      Thing is, at the root, they don’t pass. People can tell they’re actually male, and that’s why they’re getting “misgendered” all the time. Sorry if the truth hurts, dudes. But if they can get some allies to start calling them “she,” then they get the sweet sweet validation AND (hopefully) other observers seeing the interaction will think, “well, I wasn’t sure if that was a man or a woman but others are saying ‘she’ so it must be a woman, okay.”

      If everyone is just called “he,” it takes away that crutch.

      It’s the same reason that if men were 100% socially accepted wearing dresses (while being men – there are some now too, but it’s pretty niche) it takes away a crutch. If putting on all that makeup doesn’t get surrounding people thinking “well, what man would wear makeup like that, must be a woman!” it’s a problem for those M2T.

      Or the unisex/family bathrooms. Remember that guy who got arrested for sitting down and refusing to leave the women’s bathroom at a bar, crying about “safety” even AFTER staff suggested he use the family bathroom right there next to it? Yeah. The point is to be seen using the women’s. If women in there accept your presence, it’s that sweet “validation,” and meanwhile being seen by others in the bar going into the women’s is another crutch, “well, wasn’t sure if that was a chick or not but I guess so, she went into the women’s room after all.”


      • I have often said that if we abolish gender one set of neutral pronouns could take over. But if we really wanna have fun let’s go along with this bullshit idea that females have privilege & suggest everyone be a *she/her*. See how that goes over.

    • Morag Says:

      Yes, the butchery of the English language is confusing and frustrating. It’s imperfect, but it’s all we’ve got to try to understand each other. An individual can’t change the language (at its most basic, grammatical level) to his liking, and to suit his subjectivity, through willfulness, demands or tantrums. 

      I said “his” on purpose, but, actually, the sentence required a singular pronoun. I agree that “they/their” doesn’t cut it; no matter what, it stays plural in my mind, and does damage to the rest of the sentence when it tries to be singular.”One” can be too formal and requires cumbersome constructions. Trans issues aside, English does have a problem. A man-created problem. What pronoun to use when you actually don’t know a person’s sex? But, if we do eventually and collectively come up with a solution, we–women–should fear the consequences.

      Because gender-neutrality has already taken hold, with the language as it is, in order to erase women’s reality.

      • AreUSayingWhatUThink Says:

        I actually have no problem using “they,” in writing or reading. I use they, and I also use she and hers as much as I can – to counteract the avalanche of he and his I’m bombarded with.

    • lin Says:

      Change Truly to Tragically.


  8. “I want to be accepted in women’s roles”

    “Women’s roles”. You mean gender roles big boy? The things which oppress women? But of course you have no idea about womens oppression and I guess you wouldn’t care even if you knew.

    • Adrian Says:

      The hilarious part is they insist that their “internal gender” is very much not about their genitalia and yet not about “gender ROLES” either, they’ll insist that somehow gender is this thing that isn’t sex and isn’t societal performance/expectation gender roles.

      So what is it?? Who the heck knows, they can’t ever answer.

      (Yeah. It’s gender roles, to anyone thinking. Seriously stereotyped version of them, even.)

      • Gertrude Carlyle Says:

        i know right? they can’t answer the question. they call ppl “haterz” for even asking what they think gender is supposed to be.

        until they answer this basic question and explain what exactly they’re transitioning *to* — i cant take any of their phallocratic porn-phantasies seriously.

    • Random RadFem Says:

      The only “women’s role” that this dude wants to take on is as a real living fuck doll- in all his ribbons and bows. The only emotion I get from this is anger- that he thinks spending an hour slapping on makeup gives him an “in” to the women’s changing room for validation at the expense of women’s discomfort, so he indulge in his porny fantasies. Do any of these guys take on actual, non-sexual ” women’s roles”? Like indentured servants to abusive husbands/ unpaid or underpaid caretakers? Most TG are obvious certifiable nutcases who are not fit to care for children, the elderly or disabled, so there is that. I don’t believe that compassion and caring are inborn female traits, but they are traits cultivated by women’s experiences- our very real shared girlhood. Female socialization lacks the entitlement so ingrained into the male psyche through their boyhoods, and so I believe many women cultivate a higher sense of morality and it often includes a sense of duty to give back. For men, it is just the way things are- women will give freely and they will take what is due to them. I would love to be wrong and to see TG spread their wings of compassion, but more threatening abuse, silencing and erasing of women and our voice seems more likely. I honestly just just feel kind of gutted and sad for the whole world right now- a world of such selfish, superficial bullshit😦

  9. SheilaG Says:

    Is this a parody GM? Come on fess up if it is LOL. What is this man thinking, I don’t want to listen to some damn man talk about his clothing or make-up any more than I want to listen to women blathering about this boring hetero-normative capitalistic product obsessed GENDER garbage! And most certainly women see a man in a dress and just feel revulsion or fear, or just not wanting to be around creepy ass men. When I look in the mirror I see an older lesbian who looks her age, and is not obsessed with appearance. It’s not how I love women.

    GM I know it’s not April Fool’s day yet, but I swear I can believe this! LOL LOL LOL

    woo ooo ooo feelings…. cue in Barbra!

    • GallusMag Says:

      Hahahaha no it’s real you can google it. lolol

      Babs has covered lots of shitty songs but I don’t think she ever covered that one btw. lol

    • JDaniel Says:

      Parody, are you kidding? To a T this is very precisely the sort of artistic jendur writing to be dramatically read aloud from a podium to the porn-soaked campus queer alliance; approving and admiring nods all around. Really takes me back to university.

  10. Quisquis A. Pereat Says:

    “I feel frustrated that I have to spend an hour on makeup”

    That is an intense obsession.😦 Is it really worth it to spend 1/16 of each waking day on such frivolity? Each day seems short enough as it is. Autogyrophilia is a harsh mistress. You *can* escape though, you can leave it all behind! You don’t have to put yourself through that. Maybe it’s like quitting smoking: the craving may not ever go away altogether, but it can stop being a central drive in your life, and you’ll feel better for it. Perhaps maybe, yes?🙂

  11. Bev Jo Says:

    This is truly amazing. Love the comments. Some of us have just spent a couple of days trying to defend Lierre speaking at a conference where the trans cult are trying to stop her. They really are not used to our just saying no to every bit of their fantasies and narcissism and female-hating. It was also interesting that they seem incapable of saying the word “vulva,” because of course their male surgeons can’t make one. And even the “vagina” they keep talking about is just a fuck hole since that’s what the male surgeons think of women.

    I linked to some of the most important posts here and got threats of course, and then the men did quite a bit of describing vulvas in the most female-hating ways possible, including like dogs run over by cars, squashed vegetables, etc. These men, for all their insistence of what women they are, don’t sound like they have a clue what a real women’s body looks like. But the worst and yet most predictable were their women allies joining in the vulva-hating descriptions. I’m hoping some of the women not yet full cult members might be horrified at what they saw from their beloved female impersonators and how very much they hate all females — as you’ve been showing us here, Gallus Mag.

    This post really says it all. Brilliant.

    • Morag Says:

      The way they describe vulvas reveals that when they think of real females–the fact and facts of female bodies–they automatically think of bodily violence: smashed, crushed, bloody, broken, dead, dumb, not-human things. Their similes aren’t random; in their brains, “female” and “do harm” are intimately linked.

      No, it’s not at all surprising that their female allies laughed right along with them, that they were good sports about it. To recognize, fully, that these men see them as bleeding, rotting carcasses, as something to be smashed to pieces . . . well, the horror. 

    • Gertrude Carlyle Says:

      still yelling over lierre? why arent they pissy over mike huckabeee? do they think conservatives will be nicer to them?

      this is the bullshit that pisses me off, screaming over lierre when teabaggers are talking about the state colonizing us as baby machines.

      oh wait, they cant have babies so those politics dont interest them. .

      their narcissism is disgusting

    • Gertrude Carlyle Says:

      btw, their new fave surgeon is one of them. they now like to say a “woman” made them a “woman”: http://www.drchristinemcginn.com/drmcginn/

      “papillon” as in butterfly. get it? cute huh?

  12. Motherhood Says:

    I hope this makes sense.

    This lopsided color wheel of male narcissism—(red= superficial, blue=trite, yellow=clichéd) is just one more example of the masculine, the maleness that is Trans. Male is a precondition to Trans. And trans is the pinnacle of male sexual aggression. It’s the logical conclusion of their privilege and their entitlement. The point simply put, is to elevate their arousal and their sexual pleasure in society and in the culture—nothing new. So in a sense they are asking for acceptance—of their pricks down women’s throat. They’re not unlike the porn industry or prostitution or any of the other industries devoted to men’s sexual compulsions. They demand that women honor them and that the society at large make way and give them a sacred position.
    The best I can make of women that support this is that they dumb. In fairness women are also in many ways the product of a male culture, tastes, values. So some women worship it—the payout, they can imagine themselves as better people, more open-minded. I’m betting that women that support this are not the brightest lights in the firmament. So IMHO what is really going on with Trans is that Male arousal is framed through some Ed Wood B movie tale of the “the lady brain” very dire social justice cause. Male and male sexual compulsion is a needed precondition to Trans and is the zenith of male power mongering.

    The trans construction of mock female– their feminated presentation, the strut across the stage and what they assert as identity (their authentic self) is always clichéd superficial sexualized and the embodiment male sexual fantasy and of how the “other” the male perceives women. They have no inkling so they co-opt the most obvious cultural clichés from the Victoria’s Secret web cite. But men created these clichés in the first place so of course they appeal to men. Which further supports they are men A-Z. They don’t have a clue. If men had not forced women to do the same for years then they would not be able to do so either. And their women supporters are already bowing to every male demand—this is just another.

    What they demand from women is first and foremost rooted contempt for women because their misogyny is constantly triggered over and over by their arousal for themselves. And each time they shoot their wad into women’s underpants they feel more contempt because they are so profoundly and fundamentally estranged from any real emotions or bonds with any other human that they can’t even find any pleasure in other human being. Think about it. Everything becomes two things—rage and domination.

    So what they say they “felt like a woman” what they mean is they have contempt, male contempt for women. The reason they can never expand on what it feels like to be a woman is because if you hate and hold the “other” in contempt you can never identify with them enough to even begin to know how they feel. Its rare that this expanded on this claim that they feel like women—at best they wanted to play dress up in girls cloths.

    Trans seeks maintain and to expand this mysogyny in ways that will continue to keep male arousal at the center of women’s lives. Male titillation, pleasuring the trans overlord to control and subjugate women is the end game.

    • born free & female Says:

      “opsided color wheel of male narcissism—(red= superficial, blue=trite, yellow=clichéd) ”

      … I just laughed tea into my nose.

  13. SheilaG Says:

    GM, I stand corrected, I could have sworn Babs did “Feelings” but now that I think about it, it was “People who need people….” Several people above put “Feelings” on for us to sing along to. I’m really having fun with this, I must admit. This site is hysterical beyond belief, nobody could believe this stuff, but yet, here it is!

  14. Annoyed Bi Chick Says:

    Thing is, a lot of these feelings aren’t unique to trans, much as they might wish it were so. Pretty much anybody who has shifted their identity in some sort of profound, visible way goes through much the same thing; for example, ask any convert to a religion where dress semiotics is a real thing — they’re going to be worried about looking appropriate to their new status, dressing by the rules, that kind of thing. They’re also going to be worried about being accepted by members of the in-group, and wanting to be accepted. It’s essentially the same string of feelings, minus the creepy sexual overtones and body manipulation.

    Human nature being what it is, anybody who thinks they’re that special is probably wrong, statistically speaking.

  15. Gertrude Carlyle Says:

    motherhood – awesome comment.

    hey read this one http://skysquids.tumblr.com/post/74843758870/being-a-trans-woman-is-not-like-being-trapped-in-the

    and how come they can call themselves frankensteins monsters but mary daly can’t?

  16. Fruitopia Says:

    These trannies are so shallow, narcissistic and immature. 99% of women don’t look in the mirror and see a beautiful woman (because by beautiful, he obviously means a young supermodel).

    His pain comes from reality not matching his narcissistic sexual fantasy of himself as a beautiful young seductress.


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