A Response to the Q Center Statement on New Narratives 2014
October 20, 2014
Excerpted from here: http://www.pdxqcenter.org/q-center-statement-to-our-community/
“I rarely talk about what my transition means to me personally, and that’s because the times I have, the trans people I’ve talked to have gotten very upset even though I’m only talking about myself. Not about anyone else.
I can’t view myself as having always been a woman. Not can I view myself as being female now that I’ve transitioned. This isn’t about internalized transphobia. This is about me being proud of and accepting my past and who I am.
Before I even knew I was going to transition, I always knew I was attracted to men. I was very closeted through my teenage years, but I knew. When I finally came out the first time to my friends as gay, I swore to myself I would never be ashamed of who I was again. To say that I’ve always been a woman, more than that that I’m a straight woman, feels too much like hiding who I was. I refuse to hide or be ashamed of my past.
Because so much of my life is the story of a young gay boy struggling with acceptance, my life only makes sense to me when viewed as being male. Even since transitioning, my life still only makes sense when people know that. I can’t talk about my journey to deciding to transition without that fact. Since the moment I was declared male before I was even born, my life has been shaped by that. For 25 years it was shaped by that. Nowadays people see me as a woman, but it’s still being shaped by that.
Beyond just that, accepting that I have a male body has helped me come to terms with so much. It has allowed me to accept the things that are impossible to change while focusing only on what can be. I don’t want to spend my life hating myself for having too wide shoulders, or big hands, or a large head. Those things are just signs that I’m male and that’s ok. I couldn’t reach this point of personal self acceptance and love when I was trying to view myself as just like other women. I don’t feel I ever would have been able to either.
Yet even though this viewpoint has given me soo much strength to live, I’m afraid to talk about it because I don’t know how someone in the trans or queer community is going to react. I don’t know if they’re one of the many people who have hated me online for viewing myself differently than they view themselves.
When there are trans people online who will insult and try to ostracize people like me for speaking about only how we view ourselves, I can understand how anger has guided them to where their views on other trans people are. I would never detransition, transition has brought me too much joy, but other trans people have told me to detransition because they don’t want someone who sees themself as male while still being a trans woman. I’ve been called a terf sock puppet, a house tranny, told to kill myself, and had trans people purposely trigger my dysphoria just for saying that I found personal acceptance and a way to hold both those thoughts at the same time.
So I thank the q center for allowing these women to speak. Cause honestly until i heard about this, I’d accepted that this wasn’t something that i could ever tell other trans people again.
I didn’t know about new narratives when it happened, but if I did I would have gone. This is the first time I’ve heard of other trans women who understand my point of view. Judging by a number of the conversations I’ve seen online about this the past couple days, I’m not alone either. And it feels good to know there’s people in my community who can understand the personal journey I’ve been through.”
Read the Q Center Statement and more responses by following the above link.
Read more about New Narratives here: http://newnarratives2014.wordpress.com/