So Your Husband is “Becoming A Woman”: Advice from women who’ve been there

April 23, 2015

[Photo Credit: Hand-tinted print by Donna Brown Photo]

[Photo Credit: Hand-tinted print by Donna Brown Photo]

Here at GenderTrender we get a lot of queries and searches from women whose male partners or husbands have just declared their intention to transition and “become a woman”. Today a reader left a very interesting list of things her mother-in-law says she wish she had known, or that she had done, when her husband did this to her. Here is the comment, originally left HERE:

“You are NOT alone. Aside from some of the wonderful women here, this happened to my MIL. Luckily none of the children in that case were young, but it still caused serious problems for them–it was so devastating to his son that he moved to another country. My ex-stepFIL–who now is “a woman,” although he looks, talks, and behaves exactly like a man–barely has a relationship with his children anymore. He’s rarely permitted to see his biological grandchildren, and then only with supervision. (We allow him to see our daughters, but with the caveat that he is NOT to “present” as anything but male around them. We do not call him by his ridiculous tranny name and our girls are not even aware that he goes by a different name around other people.)

His health has been seriously damaged, but as others have said, he made/is making his own choice.

Anyway. Like you, my MIL found that there was zero support for her, and everyone, from therapists to online “support” groups, told her she was the one with the problem because she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of sleeping with/being married to a tranny, and didn’t believe that he could actually “become” anything more than a castrato with fake breasts, which is exactly what he is. More than once she ended up in tears because of how she was spoken to and treated by those people, and because they made her feel like SHE was the one at fault, SHE was the one whose behavior was cruel and unforgivable. It’s likely you will run into people who will say the same to you or treat you the same way. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG TO THINK THIS IS HORRIFYING AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WRONG TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER IN ANY WAY YOU CAN.

(Sorry for the all-caps, but I feel the above needs an emphasis as strong as I can possibly give it.)

I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you, having a young child. I am absolutely furious on your and her behalf at the monstrous selfishness and disregard for both of you that this man is displaying.

I really wish I could offer you some real advice or help. All I can tell you is that my MIL wishes very much that she had done several of the following things (this was about fifteen years ago now, and not in the US, and of course every situation is different, but you may want to consider or look into these things, which are of course not legal advice and I am not a lawyer):

1. She wishes she had filed for divorce much earlier in the process. Please find a good lawyer, the best you can possibly get, and of course try to find one who doesn’t buy into this gender garbage–I am sure they’re out there, even if they’re quiet about it. Yes, no-fault divorce etc., but that doesn’t mean there aren’t fine points and issues on which your being the filing party (and him being the one to move out, which in some states means he’s voluntarily given up his claim to full custody), and your doing that filing earlier as opposed to later, can be advantageous for you. Either way, speaking to a lawyer as early as possible will help, even if his or her advice is to do nothing for now.

2. She wishes she had taken steps to protect her assets and force a legal agreement on some specific financial issues. These are probably not present in your situation but specifically, she wishes she had gotten an agreement on paper about inheritances; the two of them had never done much saving for retirement since he had a wealthy mother and his inheritance was expected to be a big part of their nest egg. Of course, he then went–behind my MIL’s back–to his mother and asked for that money so he could fly off to another country and have cosmetic surgery. Bye-bye inheritance, bye-bye MIL’s secure retirement. She never got in writing what she was entitled to financially, and as a result she got screwed.

3. Along those lines, pull your credit reports NOW. Do NOT let him implicate you or involve you in the massive amounts of debt he’s likely to incur. Most if not all of these guys have no compunctions about using joint assets for their transitions and even taking out loans in both spouse’s names etc. Put a special notification on your credit files that you are to be contacted if anyone tries to open new lines of credit etc. Seriously, don’t think he won’t do it. He’s made it clear how little he cares about his wife and child and your futures already.

4. It might be worth finding a child psychologist/therapist to speak to your daughter, not only because it might help her but because psychological reports might come in handy when it comes to custody issues. Once again, try to find one who sees the trans delusion for what it is; the tranny complex is very popular right now but I am certain they’re not all on board.

5. Document EVERYTHING. When he embarrasses your poor child by lying in front of her at the nail salon, write it down. When he drags her to the store and she has to stand there humiliated while he tries on bras, write it down. The date, the approximate time, the location…anything and everything.

The last two aren’t so much me suspecting there will be issues or custody battles or whatever, but you want to be prepared. Best-case scenario, you just toss the file out eventually. But worst-case scenario, you have evidence of psychological and emotional harm to your child. He’s legally entitled to “transition” and to force your innocent daughter to witness it, but he is not legally entitled to expose her to harm or perversions. Again, a good lawyer is key here and will have real advice for you.

And of course, talk to her about this, and let her know she can say anything to you, etc.–I’m sure you already know and are doing that, since I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother. And oh, let her know she can refuse to see him, she can refuse to let him play dress-up in front of her, she can refuse to call him “Mom,” etc. She has that right. Let her know she’s not being a bad daughter if she doesn’t let him guilt her into pretending she thinks he’s her second mother now, or whatever. She is entitled to her own feelings and thoughts, and she doesn’t have to feel guilty or bad about it.

My MIL also wishes she’d set aside things that were important to her, in terms of certain belongings and such. She really wishes she hadn’t indulged him as long as she did, agreeing to help him learn to apply make-up and things like that. She wishes she had told more people what was going on, because he, of course, loved to tell people what he was doing almost as much as he loved to put on his tranny drag costume and hang out in local bars and pubs convincing himself that all the men and women in there were hot for him. So he ended up controlling the narrative as far as their friends and neighbors and town in general, instead of her. At the time, of course, she was so humiliated she didn’t want anyone to know, but now she wishes she’d asked for more support.

There are, as other have said, more sensible women who don’t buy into this nonsense out there than it seems. I really hope you find some, and of course that we get to see you here more often. And I really hope the above has helped. I wish there was more I could say or do, but here’s a big huge virtual (((((((hug))))))) for you both. You can get through this (Hell, if my MIL could, anybody can, lol) and you’re going to be fine.”

———————

This post and thread are for women whose male partners have announced their desire to “transition”. Specifically, what advice or thoughts can you offer other women faced with this situation? What do you wish you had done, or wish you had known?

Commenters who are not women in this situation may post relevant resources or report advice from family members/friends who are women whose husbands have done this, but all comments should stay on this topic. I hope this post and thread will become a helpful resource for those women in that specific situation. Too often their voices are censored by sites whose prioritize the care and well-being of the men in these relationships. Thank you, and thank you to the commenter quoted above for her generous and caring post.

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124 Responses to “So Your Husband is “Becoming A Woman”: Advice from women who’ve been there”

  1. Miep Says:

    That was a fine comment, thanks for blogging it.

  2. silverside Says:

    One thing I would warn about. Some 30 years ago, fathers rights advocates invented something called “parental alienation syndrome.” It was a bonanza for the attorneys of abusive fathers. The kids don’t want to see dad? They claim he smacks them, screams at them? Not to worry. We’ll just convince the judge and custody evaluators that Mom is a hysterical liar intent on “alienating” the kids from their father. Any actual evidence of abuse? Don’t worry. It will be swept under the rug. And the strategy worked! In reality, mothers facing custody challenges by abusive, narcissistic men (or which transitioning MtTs are a subset) must be very careful not to give the appearance of “alienating” the children from the father, “depriving” him of access, and so forth. Or it can be used against you in a custody battle which narcissistic, abusive men are MORE LIKELY to pursue than average men, because it meets their need to both “punish” the mother and maintain control. I speak not from being the ex-partner of a MtT, but as a 11 year veteran of the family courts who lost child custody to an abuser.


    • This is true. I’ve written about this new ‘disorder’ that men invented to harm mothers.

      You need to be well versed in this b/c a man will pull this shit in court. What you need to know is that it’s not recognized in ANY DSM, has no psychological backing.

      You MUST be careful of getting a lawyer that is versed in PAS and knows how to fight it since it’s gaining legal ground and judges (read MEN) are indulging fathers in this ridiculous ‘syndrome.’

      • Sophie Jameson Says:

        Sadly, it’s *not* always ridiculous. When I was newly sober I met a woman at an AA meeting who was going through a divorce and wanted a complete split from her husband who was characterised as a wimp and a bore. Not abusive, note. Just a wimp and bore. She didn’t see why he wanted to see their children, and wanted this contact to stop.

        I got to know her a bit, and one day we were having coffee when she told me she was going to tell the courts her ex had been sexually abusing their two small children. Then, she said triumphantly, proof or no proof, he won’t get access. Husband completely eradicated. Job done.

        I was horrified, but pretty powerless. With very little confidence and only knowing her first name, I had no idea what to do. As it was, i did nothing. Knowing what I know now I still don’t think I could have done much. A call to children’s services would probably be ignored, given I only knew her first name.

        My stepdaughter’s mother also tried to claim the child didn’t want to see or speak to her father. That failed because my stepdaughter stuck to her guns, insisting she loved her dad. But if she hadn’t been such a brave little girl, facing tears and tantrums unshaken, her mother might have succeeded.

      • GallusMag Says:

        Exceptionalism! Well done. Not all men!

      • Dogtowner Says:

        We can now counter this with a court in Franklin County, Ohio, where a friend of mine watched the husband’s lawyer PAYING the judge to find in favor of his client in the divorce. How many times do we think this has happened?

    • Amy Says:

      Luckily, it’s now also become a way for women like me who escape male violence to fight men with money and homophobia on their sides who abuse the courts to keep us from our children. Tables turned, fellas!

  3. Atranswidow Says:

    Thank you so much Gallus and Dorothy, I never expected this…so generous.

    I’m kind of all over the place emotionally at the moment. I just second everything Dorothy’s MIL says.

    It’s such an isolating thing to go through when you feel so utterly betrayed and wondering if you’re to blame in any way; not knowing who to turn to, trawling through all the trans propaganda and wondering what kind of madness you’ve fallen into. So a space like this to share experiences, advice and maybe have the occasional rant is fantastic.

  4. Bev Jo Says:

    Fantastic information. Thank you!

  5. pantypopo Says:

    I have soooo much to unload on this one. More to say than I have time to write, so I hope I can come back for a second comment later.

    Fraud. Civil fraud. That’s the solution women who find themselves in this situation need to investigate. You met a man, you fell in love with a man, you married/moved in with a man. He now says he’s a woman. He willfully and knowingly entered into a serious emotional relationship with you under fraudulent conditions.

    Sue his ass for every available and future asset he has. Talk to friends, make sure they see how damaged you are by his deceit and abuse of your trust. Get a therapist for grief counseling: the man you knew never actually existed, you lost the most intensive relationship of your life and it has hurt you deeply. You need help to recover from this.

    Trust yourself.

    If you get into a counseling situation with a counselor who buys into the gender delusions, tell them directly to their face, that you are writing a letter of complaint to the state board for enabling the destruction of your family and gas-lighting you as their client. Gas lighting is very serious mental and emotional abuse. Your counselor must be forced to recognize the damage they are causing you by supporting this social hate.

    • mon Says:

      As more and more of this becomes known to women at large, women who are dating can employ tactics to avoid falling for one of these guys. Offer to tie one of your pretty scarfs on your date, even try to dab some lipstick on him in a playful way. Women are smart. If he doesn’t seem to mind it, or seems to like it, time to ditch this potential boyfriend and avoid a lifetime of pain. Women are doing background checks now, the dating world is full of men who are not who they say they are. I agree, it ‘s fraud.

    • kaypasser Says:

      it doesnt work like that though… i was trans-widowed in 2012. and not a single person stood up for me. even my own counselor told me i was wrong. he gaslighted me for years… made me question my own sanity…. everywhere i turned for support just wanted to validate what he was doing, while my feelings were treated as either a joke or hate speech. i was laughed at, isolated, betrayed, gaslighted and ‘swatted’ – he told everyone who would listen i was a silly woman, hysterical and suicidal, got everyone to take his side, called an ambulance and had me dragged off to a psychiatric ward… ‘to protect me from myself’. he told everyone i was a transphobic bitch, and that i was ‘uncool with it and couldnt handle it’ …
      him being who he was, and his circle of friends being a successful cult band, and people being the sycophantic arseholes that they are following the trend just in case it got them on the guest list at some godawful gig… they dont do it because they think trans is cool, they do it because they think THEY are cool… but to be betrayed in this way and find yourself without a single ally, treated as an outcast from your own life, being laughed at, vilified, humiliated and discredited, discovering that mutual friends have been aware of his cross dressing all along, that he had a previous history of unsuccessful transitions, the suspicion that your daughters puberty has been a source of jealousy and resentment and the realisation that for all your love and trust, he has been shitting and wanking on you from a great height throughout your relationship … turning your love and loss into something you can deal with in a world that has been turned upside down is a painful and prolonged process. i resent the ugly feelings he left me with. while he went off smiling and laughing with his new friends, erasing me, and history as he went.. i turned 50, he turned into a woman.
      for me and my daughters, the process of healing, 3 years later is far from complete… i sometimes think the damage he did is irreversible.. its too late to make up for the time we lost…but i distinctly remember about 6 weeks after he ‘came out’ as a woman, being told to get over it, that we had always been lesbians without my knowledge or consent, that i was selfish to try and insist on a compromise…. he went in a matter of weeks, from ‘im gender dysphoric and i want to express myself’ to ‘we are now lesbians, dont you ever call me pete again you fucking whore’ and the full time online pursuit of gratification, validation and hormones. he threatend his psychiatrist with self mutilation and suicide and hey presto – the gender clinic were all over him, quite willing to amputate his healthy functional genitals and throw them in a bin, i was erased. apparently i didnt exist, because he thought it might stop him getting what he wanted which was ‘ a beautiful clit’
      to be honest, looking back, i cant believe i stuck it out as long as i did, as it had become quite clear that he had been involved in a historical drug rape incident which i believe was filmed, when i was a teenager.. again… no one wants to hear it, they assume this is something ive come up with as revenge, when in fact, it is a story ive told throughout my life, and only made sense of when his true self was revealed…

      • pantypopo Says:

        I am so sorry you experienced this. Having friends and therapists take his side and abuse you is a very familiar scenario. Both to me, and most for other women in our situation.

        This is why we need to keep speaking out. Start a blog, record your experiences, your feelings. It is the one self publishing tool we have available. The more we voice our side of the story, the more women will stumble across it and the better prepared they will be to voice their truth and avoid the gaslighting.

        The medical industry sees this as another money making opportunity, they will not push back against the current tide until the vocal public forces them. Most women, and young women, especially, don’t have the feminist foundation to see gender identity politics for the appropriation and oppression it represents. The more we speak out, the sooner the tide will turn.

        My thoughts are with you.

      • Atranswidow Says:

        Kaypasser, there are women here who believe you and I so wish you had found them sooner. What you had to endure by yourself is intolerable. I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of this abuse by yourself. Just having one close friend in whom I could confide made all the difference to me. Even now I hate having to explain to someone new what has happened.

        I’m very fortunate in that I managed to prevent my ex from living full trans at home in front of neighbours, friends and most importantly the children, but it took me 2 years and finally a court order to get him to go. Two years of gaslighting and emotional abuse that I shall never forgive him for. Lost years, when we should have been planning the children’s future not arguing his right to change his sex and remain at home. He did everything; electrolysis, hormones and those weird mannerisms like standing pigeon-toed or sitting with legs crossed and hands folded on knee. Think Bruce Jenner in his final days. Trivial examples compared to yours but distressing to see none the less. An erasure of my identity whilst he exerted his new one.

        He’s gone now and I’m beginning to recover. Having children means that we need to communicate. I tie myself in knots not to use his new name or his old one, or any pronouns at all when I email or call him. He has become a ghost figure; dead but not buried, without a name i can call him by. Recently in a heated phone call i used his old name out of habit. The phone went dead and I didn’t hear from him for a while until he told me that he’d had to have an emergency psychiatric appointment. No, I shall not feel guilty or responsible for his suicidal tendencies. His problem. Not mine.

        I hope in sharing the above ramble it helps at least let you know that you are not alone and that you deserve better. Take all the time you need to grieve, find a therapist if you can, and give yourself the life that you deserve. You owe him nothing.

  6. marm Says:

    “Sex Changes:A Memoir of Marriage, Gender and Moving On” by Christine Benvenuto is her autobiographical account of being married to a man who discloses his transsexual feelings well into their marriage. The account feels honest, and she is upfront about her observations of her husband’s narcissism and her isolation within their community. Her ex (Joy Ladin) also wrote an account of the transition experience – and their perspectives are very far apart.

    “The Man Who Would be Queen” by J. Michael Bailey is a bit of a mess, conceptually, but he explores the concept of autogynephilia. This is men who are aroused by the concept of being a woman (ie straight crossdressers and often the men who decide to transition in middle age or later, who lived successful lives as hetero or bisexual men until this point).

    “Gender Hurts: A Feminist Analysis of the Politics of Transgenderism” by Sheila Jeffreys may not be the most accessible book to start with. However, she powerfully dissects many of the falsehoods about gender, including the performance of gender by men who transition. This book made some people really mad ! I think her writing is extremely articulate and intelligent, but it turns many of the current gender falsehoods on their heads.

    I have known several men who transitioned, or had begun the process. There is a world of difference between a very effeminate gay man in his late teens who thinks he might be a woman, and a man in his 40’s, who had a masculine or hyper masculine existence including milestones like fatherhood and conventional employment. The oddest thing that both types of these transitioners have in common is that neither one is very interested in women, except in a superficial, symbolic fashion. Straight men who transition to manifesting a new lesbian identity are very, very far from the woman/womyn centered lesbians (ie women) I have known. This reality can be complicated to wrap your head around – as in why an indifferent misogynist would be interested in embodying the gender performance of a sex he has basically ignored, dismissed and loathed.

    • kaypasser Says:

      i read an article once by Benvenuto – and the comments afterwards… that article both consoled and terrified me in the very early days because i knew what she said was true, she was the only person i came across who openly spoke a truth i could recognise, but the vile hatred that spewed forth in the comments was frightening for someone like me contemplating a long personal recovery (or not, as the case may be) and determined not to let him or anyone else silence me or prevent me from warning or trying to protect other women from him and others like him.
      id love to read Benvenutos and Jeffreys book but i have a huge fine at the library to pay off first!
      ive read bailey – if only to confirm my suspicions about my ex… no surprises there..

  7. KgSch Says:

    This blog is written by a woman who had the misfortune to be married to one of these men. She was interviewed for “Gender Hurts” and has her story here: https://naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

    As for custody, it is important to get a good lawyer. Abusive men are more likely to seek custody than non-abusive men and the courts give it to him because they are soooo impressed he showed up. That and the lie of “parental alienation”. I have known several people who had to live at least part-time with their abusive fathers because of these reasons.

  8. Bea Says:

    I knew an autogynephile who cross-dressed behind his wife’s back. If my husband came out as trans, I would covertly check his internet history/e-mails/texts. If he’s anything like the autogynephile I knew, you will find some very disturbing (criminal/sexual/sexually criminal) things about him (which will help sever the emotional ties). If he’s been lying to you all this time about being “transgender,” he’s likely lying about a whole lot more. I would also make sure I abstained from sex with him, or used a barrier method, as the autogynephile I knew began engaging in risky sex with men from Craigslist casual encounters (while in drag) and prostitutes around the same time he began cross-dressing.

    • KgSch Says:

      biodyke mentioned in a comment on a different post that 24% of new HIV cases are these guys. Considering they make up around 1% of the population, that’s pretty scary. (Link to her comment: https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2015/04/22/the-end-of-an-era-michfests-40th-anniversary-will-be-the-last/#comment-52250

      While these dudes can be very lesbian-hating and gay-hating, quite a few of them will have sex with men, even if they aren’t really that attracted to them, if they feel it will validate their false female persona.

      STDS are something to be worried about for women partnered to these men, especially AIDS.

    • kaypasser Says:

      discovering what he had been up to online was the absolute nail in the coffin for me… especially since i was a subject of intense fantasy and debate in his trans blogs and forums – and.the pics of him parading in his panties fo the admiration of other fetishists made me sick to my stomach – he pretended to the world and me, that he was a sweet, gentle, demure person with a ‘womans soul’ and people buy it every fucking time – he had a bullshit answer and a justification for every doubt, every question, and when he found himself lacking in the biological fact and medical reality department, he resorted to nasty abuse. his favorite game was always social ostracism and exclusion and he often works as a pack with his socially powerful friends who help him gaslight and manipulate more socially vulnerable hangers-on and friends from his mental health groups.
      before the online discoveries, my initial feelings were what i can only describe as immense sadness that my partner was clearly much more psychologically ill and unstable than i ever suspected, and that i was basically watching an inevitable tragedy unfold with impossibly high stakes and no one to back me up. here was a 56 year old, congenitally unattractive, sour-faced, gimlet-eyed, completely bald, toothless man , who truly believed he was and always had been a woman, and that it was the whole worlds fault that he had been forced to lie and betray himself and other people all his life.. the insistence that he was finally living the truth and didnt have to lie about being a woman anymore, i found bizarre; ‘she’ was evidently the biggest lie of all….. obviously, my grief was nothing compared to his incomparable anguish so i had no right to speak it, i was expected to sit down, shut up an get back to being a source of narcissistic supply. it was very clear that whatever he was seeing in the mirror, the rest of the world was never going to see. and he needed people to feed him constant ‘white’ lies and compliments in order to shore up the fabricated self-image. he was over the moon if a strange male did a double take on the street, because he was convinced it was because he was passing and being sexually admired, when it was clear what the real reason was, and that there was never going to be a time when he would pass. while he claimed to be a lesbian, he seemed strangely obsessed, like no lesbian ive ever known, with being admired and noticed by men, and once confessed he often fantasised about being “fucked by a man in my vagina” and strongly wanting to know what it was like… i’ll never figure it out if i live a million years…
      i never suspected he was ever anything other than the reasonably happy man i knew him to be, and i never once saw him shed a single tear, let alone display anything approaching anguish… all i saw was self-regard and excitement once he’d started the process… but little explosions started to go off in my head – ‘ omg THATS why he was so obsessed with lesbians, THATS what that weird lesbian drug rape scene in his flat was about all those years ago! THATS why ive struggled to understand him sexually all this time ! THATS why he always flipped me over during sex! THATS why me and my daughters underwear regularly mysteriously disappeared and reappeared, – i WASNT imagining those camera clicks and the gut feeling i was being covertly watched when i stayed at his flat! THATS why he always avoided looking me and other people directly in the eyes ‘ etc etc etc..as well as all the typical appropriation of mannerisms and the fake coy/coquet displays of his idea of femininity, his sudden change also involved bizarre things like intractable medical problems vanishing into non existence overnight,he became a ‘female’ bass player even though he’d played lead guitar all his life, he suddenly became a coffee drinker like me, instead of the tea drinker he always was and his flat went from having no mirrors at all, to having several in every room. he spent thousands of pounds on laser hair removal, hundreds on wigs, and 400 quid on a pair of awful rubber tits with adjustable nipples.if it wasnt so fucking tragic, id have pissed myself laughing..
      i knew i couldnt stay, but felt i couldnt just abandon him – i seriously worried about his sanity and feared for his safety – i couldnt even bring myself to think about some pervy surgeon mutilating his body and throwing bits of him in the bin. i found it so incredibly distressing and i believed it was so wrong it would kill him. .. nowadays though, i occasionally entertain evil thoughts about what could go wrong, and in my darkest moments find myself hoping karma really is the bitch people say she is.
      it was clearly an endeavor doomed from the start, he looked and sounded ludicrous but everyone else thought it was great – because he told them so. i only wish id walked away sooner… or better still never met him.
      i too still live in terror at bumping into him, or our old friends on the street. i used to fear being unable to control my distress in public .. but these days its mainly because i fear any encounter is inevitably going to result in my arrest for T-GBH, which by the way has its own category in the dept of justice gbh sentencing guidelines it clearly states that ripping the heads off transwomen is a more serious category offence than ripping the heads off ordinary folk like real women because its hate crime, and hurting women isnt hate, its only violence and anyway who cares about silly women? (unless their really men)
      everytime i see the band headlining locally or playing at festivals im thinking about going to, i hate him a little bit more. he’s having the time of his life, i have to live with the mess he left behind, and he thoroughly enjoys seeing me suffer.. some things cant be put back together and although you dont get to choose this, you will never be the same person you were. this is a genie you cant put back in the bottle..
      checking out his online activities is really good advice in this situation… because they can fuck you about for years, gaslighting you and dithering over disclosing their intentions…. he never once offered me dignity or respect for my identity or sexuality, trust or informed consent, secretly involving me and my daughters in his sexual agenda for years and giving me no choice, compromise or consideration when he finally revealed himself for who he was. there is no way on earth im going to trouble myself a moment more with pronouns, nonouns or anything else of that nature. i refuse to let him be anything other than the person he presented to me and the person i knew and loved. he doesnt get to take away my reality.he doesnt get to erase my identity and he doesnt deserve a speck of an iota of anyones respect let alone mine.

      • Anne lewis Says:

        I thought I was the only one that was feeling the way that you ladies are feeling, I thought I was going crazy, I’m in the process of getting out, and now I’m in a very angry stage of this, I am very bitter, but that’s not who I am. I don’t want to give any more of MY energy to this stupid transition. They ( trans people) are life leaches. It’s been 3 1/2 years of a living nightmare, during that time I had a stroke, I was so stressed out all the time.
        My best advice is to run, get the heck away from him/her ASAP !!!
        Anne

      • GallusMag Says:

        I’m so sorry. Please take care and be well.

  9. Robin Says:

    Hello,

    I believe you were writing in response to my two comments and I want to say thank you.
    When I realized he was intending on moving forward I did get a lawyer and filed for divorce right away, I also separated all financial accounts and thank goodness I did because you are right about the instant debt, within six months he had racked up over 14,000 in make up, wigs, clothing, huge shoes, previously mentioned manicures and hormone therapy. Because I moved accounts and banks when the divorce was final he was personally responsible for his own debt. (Apposed to shared martial debt.)

    My kiddo does have a therapist, two actually and he is required to pay for 50 % of the fee-that was a non negotiable issue for me, he argued that she would not need therapy she was fine with his changes it was me that was the problem. I have primary custody and have tried to keep her life as stable and normal as possible. He is so oblivious to the effect this is having I almost wonder if he is faking it-the obvious discomfort we both show when he is boasting about his new breasts (which actually are not there) how painful his shots are, how happy he is now, how much better his life is now.

    When this first happened last June I went to a support group and it was stunning to me. I was a lot younger at 35 then many of the women, however we had all been married for over 15 years. They ALL were still married to their spouses and all seemed be deflated and talked about supporting their partners dreams and wanting them to be happy and saving their family unit. I finally spoke up and said that I thought they should all leave and be free and happy and let their husbands move on because they clearly did not care about anyone other then themselves.

    This comment was not well received and I realized that even other women in the same situation were supporting by not telling the world the real truth-that they were sad and horrified and lonely and struggling! That this sucks! That being married to someone you love and trust and then have them say-Hey, guess what? I’m changing genders (but NOT really, because-science) and expect, demand, that you’re only reaction is one of acceptance and glee.

    To your comment about noting things like dressing up, shopping, nails done with/around my kid, yes, I am keeping a very close eye on all that as well, its too confusing to her and it creeps me out as a mom.

    All this stuff is so frustrating and its so isolating to see so much public support and so many professionals-who have a lot to gain financially-just on the bandwagon and support late in life MTF transition without really recognizing the whole picture of what they are in fact encouraging and enabling.

    To everyone out there in this same place—–stay strong and don’t deny the truth of your own experience….At some point we should all have get away weekend with lots of wine.

    • Atranswidow Says:

      Robin,

      I’m so glad you’re doing all the right things and keeping strong.

      I remember when I first began ‘researching’ trans issues on-line (by which i mean picking through the propaganda) I came across a video by a couple who were extolling their decision to stay together. There was a bemused little girl in between them who kept looking from one to the other. He was doing all the talking, how wonderful it was, bla bla, could all go shopping for clothes together, bla bla. When the wife finally got her chance to speak she just seemed totally dead, had such a look of resignation and downright misery on her face. She kept dabbing at the tears in her eyes with a tissue.

      Right then I vowed that I would never be that woman.

      Whenever the going gets tough I remember her, and it helps me carry on. I wonder what her life is like playing quiet little mouse to the mansplaining peacock?


  10. Also – don’t force yourself and try to be still attracted to him!

    Many trans activists say that you go from a straight to a homosexual relationship once your husband claims he is a woman. Others even say it was a same sex relationship the entire time.

    NO!! You are not suddenly a lesbian. If you were you wouldn’t be together with a man in the first place (with the exception of compulsory heterosexuality).

    • Me Says:

      The entire transgender movement is based on fantasy and turns a blind eye to reality. Very Orwellian.

      • silverside Says:

        Interesting, in that I was once sexually harassed by a MtT who wanted to know what “woman-to-woman intimacy” was “really like.” Obviously this person really didn’t have a clue or it wouldn’t be necessary to harangue somebody about it, right?

  11. CKDexterHaven Says:

    Like I’ve said before, society would never expect a man to stay with a wife who transitioned into another ‘man’. Men would never be expected to allow another person to decide their sexual orientation or decide they are now in a gay marriage.

    I wonder if it is possible to predict this kind of thing? I just know that one of my friends has a husband who will transition in about 10 years time. By that time he will have reached retirement age and their children should have left home for university. I say this because –

    1) He works in a well-paid tech job.

    2) She has come home a few time and ‘caught’ him in her clothes/underwear. (I say ‘caught’ but I think he is testing her boundaries).

    3) She has found a box of dresses given to him by an ex-girlfriend. It is all stuff a girly, grungy, hippy 20-something would have worn back in the day.

    4) They hardly ever have sex because he only likes it if she dominates him and she isn’t into that.

    5) He has grown his hair long way past the age when men do this. He dyes it blond too.

    6) He really wanted female children and now he has them he likes doing all the fun ‘girlhood’ stuff with them but is less keen on all the boring stuff like washing clothes and housework.

    7) He’s way more interested in feminism than the average man and goes on and on about preferring the company of women. When I say ‘feminism’ I mean all the ’empowerment’, liberal shit that passes for feminism these days. He is actually one of the biggest, nastiest raging misogynists I have ever met.

    8) He discourages her away from wearing dresses and make-up because he wants to be the peacock in the relationship and has major issues with her getting more attention than him.

    I would put money on him becoming a late-transitioner. My friend just thinks it’s a bit of a sex thing; he likes wearing dresses sometimes and, maybe, she needs to be more open-minded. I’ve tried hinting that it might be more than that but she’s still of the mindset that M2Ts are all sexually attracted to men and have all genuinely ‘known they were a woman’ from birth.

    • Atranswidow Says:

      I’m betting on 2-3 years, if that, particularly if he has some kind of life crisis like an accident or a bereavement. A lot of it is a coping mechanism to deal with depression or stress. Plus, just like with any addiction, it needs a bigger dose to maintain the same high. All he needs is a visit to the hospital ‘to try and sort things out’ and he’ll come back with a box of pills. He’ll just love all the attention he gets from the doctors, psychologists and other enablers.

      1,4 & 8 are part of my experience. 3..he kept his things in boxes at his office at work. 5…I would find impossibly long blonde hairs on his clothes. 7….his big thing was ‘helping people’. What he got off on was the adulation; people thought he was wonderful. He never had a clue what do when the kids were ill and if one vomited he was nowhere to be seen.

      I kept my head in the sand for way too long. I hope your friend gets her act together very soon.

      • Andi Says:

        Men can be so selfish. Make sure you check his cell phone and email: he is probably cheating on you with other women. My husband pretended to be attracted to men in order to validate his “femininity”, he even told me he had dated men when he was in his 20’s, but in reality he had never dated a single man, he was just a misogynist who hated all od us and slept with many women, while we were still married, all that while pretending to be a “woman”

        Hang in there, sister, you can make it thought this. I did, so you can too.

    • NYCAlison Says:

      These men are all auto-gynephiles. Every last one. Hence, the introduction of narcissistic rage whenever the well-proven, scientifically validated topic comes up in twanz discourse.

  12. Ashland Avenue Says:

    The only thing I would like to add to Dorothy’s incredible list is that instead of documenting his behavior by writing it down, email it to yourself and/or someone else. That way you have proof of dates, and it’ll be much more legit.

  13. marm Says:

    Any woman who is dealing with a male husband or partner that they have been with for a long time who suddenly discloses their new gender identity should do some reading about narcissism, and other personality disorders. Credible sources are important – there’s lots of drek out there from pretend experts (esp. Sam Vaknin – who is a predatory psychopath).

    The disclosure of their “new” identity can be the tip of the iceberg for a plethora of other furtive, manipulative and destructive behaviours that the partner was indulging in throughout the marriage, etc.- not limited to things like anonymous hook-ups with men, exhibitionism, using sex workers, friends you never met or heard of, phony online personas that may even mimic your own (!), drug or alcohol binges while being dressed, business trips that never happened and were actually getaways with other “girls” – and other self indulgent behaviours that may have cost thousands of dollars a year.

    My friend was partners with a man with some fetishes he was upfront about with her. He died accidentally and she had to clean up his estate. She discovered many, many, many things she had no clue about (not limited to expensive costumes and bondage accessories). Many of these things were super disturbing including secret online lives, explicit video clips he had been sharing with other men with the same fetish, drug use she had no clue about, and a wealth of online trails that suddenly exposed the intense gaslighting that had been inflicted on her since the relationship began. This discovery was even more devastating than his sudden death.

    Many men keep this big part of themselves secret – because the furtive behaviour and risk taking is more potent, delicious. It is also a power trip. Withholding and secrecy is a very effective form of psychological abuse.

    I am perplexed that contemporary psychology views this type of dysphoria (IS it even dysphoria ?) as a condition which should be supported and fully embraced. Many of the men that I know of, who are late transitioners, completely destroyed their marriage, and/or destroyed their wife/kids and often their career as well. Most of them had completely functional lives otherwise – employed, long term relationships, stable housing, etc. A wall of dishonest secrecy was a barricade in their relationship/marriage in the first place. I do not know why this is not viewed as a destructive delusion.

    Most of them are autogynephiles and this aspect of their “identity” is deeply rooted in their SEXUALITY. With healthy people with good boundaries, the sexual aspect of their identity stays well concealed in their day to day existence, apart from some awareness of the people they are attracted to or dating. I have never met a crossdresser or late transitioner who had anything but an imaginary, hyper feminine persona, with fantasies of their masochistic life as a 50 year old “girl”. I could take the state of MTF transition more seriously if these men had been concerned about bettering women’s lives, fought for pay equity and reproductive rights, and were empathetic helpful partners who were active in sharing responsibilities. This is generally far from the truth, in my experience.

    There is a transgender forum : http://www.susans.org where you can silently observe the dynamics of a funhouse hall of mirrors as the “girls” support each other while broadcasting their intense self absorption, particularly with their appearance, “passing”, breast growth, etc.. Not much attention is paid to their partner’s anguish, confusion, disgust, etc.


  14. Here are two other blogs by women whose male partners transitioned:

    https://femingenuality.wordpress.com/

    http://phonaesthetica.com/

    (Note: only a few of Phona’s posts deal explicitly with her relationship with her ex. But her whole blog is worth reading!)

  15. Me Says:

    It really boggles my mind that there is no support in support groups and other places for transwidows. You have all suffered a loss which deserves support for both wives and children. If a husband changed in any other drastic way from the man you originally married – like, if you married a pacifist who suddenly became a conspiracy theory gun nut after 15 years of marriage, you certainly would get support from a wide variety of sources. Why should this be any different? Why should it always be all about them and the wife and kids aren’t allowed to point out that the Emperor is wearing no clothes or to even dispute that two plus two is not five, but four?

  16. Elle Says:

    I too found no support when this happened to me almost ten years ago. I have told only one person in my life the specifics about why my marriage failed. It’s an awful position to be in: to want and need support, but not to want to explain the situation because it is so utterly mortifying and, unfortunately, irresistibly salacious to others. I simply would not trust anyone to be able to keep their mouth shut about this, especially now that the whole transfantasy is so “in.”

    An intensely private person, having my own life put up for public review was where I drew the line, even if it meant weathering this alone. I refused to be forever known as “the woman who didn’t know her husband wasn’t a man.” (Utter bullshit, by the way – he was, is, and always will be a man.)

    I don’t know what else to say, but did want to raise my hand as another grief-gutted woman.

    • Elle Says:

      Oh, and as for advice to others in this situation: journal about your truth and read it back to yourself, especially when you can’t find any support out there. Write about what you need and want in life, not what you think you’re supposed to or what anyone else thinks you’re supposed to need or want.

      Only once or twice did I try to envision a continued life with him as a fake woman; in both cases, revulsion was my friend; I was literally sick to my stomach. My body’s reaction was the honest one.

      After being the victim of an act of unconscionable dishonesty, my own honesty with myself is more important than ever to me. Go with your gut.

  17. marm Says:

    “Why Does He Do That ?” by Lundy Bancroft should be required reading for all women in relationships with men, including men who are in the process of transitioning. It explicitly explains the dynamics of abuse in relationships, most of the tactics which are non-physical. The severe self absorption and destructive behaviours towards their partners could certainly be interpreted as abusive. Many people are hesitant to call abuse ABUSE if there has been no physical assault. Abuse is a pattern of behaviour which limits, undermines and otherwise negatively affects their parter.

  18. Em Says:

    Not every woman has the luxury of being able to credibly threaten a male partner. But if you are, and if your partner so much as pulls on a pair of panty hose, tell him in so many words that his first step toward “transition” will end the relationship immediately. And then prepare to follow through. Do NOT humor his delusions in any way. Insist on the reality that he is in the grip of a compulsion that expresses itself as a sexual fetish.

    Some of these guys are so far gone that nothing your say or do will matter. If that’s the case, you need to know sooner rather than later. Some of them aren’t completely consumed by their fetish, and a credible threat of losing you might just wake them up.

    • Em Says:

      Oh, and if you still have influence such that you can affect his choice of therapists, get him and yourself away from any of them who even hints at sympathy for the trans narrative. Your partner is mentally ill, but he was not born in the wrong body or any such crap. And for godssakes, get him the hell away from any therapists who have, themselves, “transitioned.”

  19. Mary Worth Says:

    Dealing with this must be very brutal, especially since there are very few places to turn to for people who are highly disturbed by the behaviour of a male transgender person.

    There’s one in my family whose behaviour is bothering us all, but what can we do? This person does have a very severe personality disorder and has terrorized and threatened everyone in my immediate family. I described some of his behaviour to a therapist who specializes in treating severe personality disorders (borderline and similar ones) and she was aghast at what I told her. I didn’t mention the transgender issue, as I was scared she’d just brush me off.

    Anyway, this person, who is prone to major fits of rage, has decided he’s a woman and that any and all criticism of him is ‘transphobia.’ No one in the family objected to his transitioning, but his appearance keeps getting more and more extreme. He’s very obviously a middle-aged man, but will go out in public wearing six-inch stiletto heels, a micro-skirt, a low-cut top, and about as much make up as a circus clown. I am not exaggerating. He has no boundaries and will talk about things like his ‘breasts’ to me. He’s middle-age but refers to himself as a ‘girl.’ It’s freaking me out.

    If anyone says anything about his appearance, they’ll provoke a tantrum. But his appearance, combined with his aggressive personality, scares people.

    I sympathize with women whose husbands have decided to do this. It can be very unsettling.

    • marm Says:

      I don’t want to derail this topic. I have just started reading “Women and Madness” by Phyllis Chesler – and the point has been made where the default setting, in a psychological context is that male = credible, women = pathological. This means that whatever account a man gave of his psychological state, reaction to events, etc. is taken seriously whereas woman’s accounts of traumatic events like incest, assaults, oppressions were dismissed as fantasies.

      That man in your family says he is a woman – therefore he must be one, right ? No matter how much his masquerade and behaviour is socially, culturally, emotionally, and fashionably inappropriate – the problem is characterized as being your reactions and lack of acceptance. There is nothing wrong with him ! He is so abusive because you are all transphobes (sigh) and are hurting his feelings.

      Being labeled as a transphobe or TERF is the new super slur to shut down all rational discussion. Everyone is now afraid of being called this – it’s much worse than being labelled a misogynist.

      I hope that wives, partners, children and family of these men will find a way to connect, free from scrutiny and surveillance so they can honestly discuss their experiences, including the confusion, shame and mayhem that has been tossed into their lives like a bomb.

      • Mary Worth Says:

        You have hit the nail right in the head.

        People hurl around accusations of ‘transphobia,’ but isn’t it reasonable for me to be fearful of someone prone to serious fits of rage over nothing?

        A lot of women get screwed over financially and emotionally when their middle-aged husbands decide to ‘transition.’ Isn’t it reasonable to be anxious and even afraid in that situation? But as usual, it’s the man’s desires that trump everything. Men dump and/or cheat on their wives for all sorts of reasons, but a woman who wants to separate from her husband over something quite major is demonized. It’s wrong on so many levels.

        And I’m sorry, but there is something unsettling about a middle-aged man who refers to himself as a girl, and tries to act and dress like a teenager. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks so.

      • NYCAlison Says:

        I refuse to be afraid of being called a TERF, and in my conversations about this topic, all women minus the few who’ve been totally brainwashed by super-fun, super-capitalist, super male-friendly (i.e. male ASS-KISSING) feminism, and the handful of reasonable males I know (all of whom incidentally are gay/bi and find the twanz movement an exercise in homophobia and misogyny all mixed up into a narcissistic stew) agree that being a TERF is a GOOD thing.

        That said, I also refuse to engage on Twitter, I don’t have a Facebook, and I keep my LinkedIn and related professional accounts strictly clean and work-friendly, so in some ways I guess I am afraid after all. And the people in my life who’d also be tarred with the TERF label (again, women, and G/B men) are the same way.

  20. Tiki tiki tavi Says:

    All I can think of is kris Jenner when reading this article

    • CKDexterHaven Says:

      I think some men are just pathological attention addicts. Women often talk about becoming invisible to society in their 30s and 40s. Some of those women go down the road of endless plastic surgeries. Men don’t start feeling invisible until their late 50s or 60s and, for some of those men, ‘becoming a woman’ is their way of still sucking up attention and demanding care and special treatment when other men are just dwindling away into retirement. I think Bruce falls into this category.

  21. WTF Is This Nonsense? Says:

    During the marriage ceremony, did the woman promise to take a man to be her husband? If the guy actually believes he’s a woman, wouldn’t that kind of nullify the marriage? Sounds like fraud.
    If he accepts that he’s a man with some issues, maybe they can work through that.

  22. Atranswidow Says:

    This man had 6 children by 3 different wives and 4 step children. We all knew it was coming, but that’s a lot of people to have hoodwinked. No doubt his ‘hero’s story’ will be the only one that people want to hear.

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/01/29/bruce-jenner-transgender_n_6570738.html?ir=Gay%20Voices&utm_campaign=042415&utm_medium=email&utm_source=Alert-gay-voices&utm_content=FullStory&ncid=newsltushpmg00000003

    • LC Says:

      I saw that interview. Revolting when he said basically, that he was the “one with the story” on that stupid reality TV show. Right. Tell me again how transgenderism isn’t narcissism?

    • I'm No Cissie Says:

      Today I see the gossip mongers are mad that Kris supposedly lied about not being asked for a comment.

      There’s just a total disregard for how she may be feeling about the whole thing, and that if she is staying silent she might be less than happy or supportive and they certainly can’t let her get away with THAT!

      I have no love for the Kardashian clan and their media exploits, but the former Mrs. Jenner is entitled to feel her feelings and choose to express or not express them. No one knows what actually went on in that marriage. Certainly, the daughters had no idea Bruce was trans until they found him engaging in despicable behavior in their bedrooms.

  23. gaydude50 Says:

    I don’t get what you all are so upset about? I just saw the Bruce Jenner interview and everyone is so happy ! !


      • It’s clear how man-centric this phenomenon is if you reverse it: I have never heard of a woman in an opposite-sex marriage who is seen as a stereotypical housewife and then she starts wearing ties and then she’s like: “I am really a man and we have a gay relationship”. It’s so obviously absurd. Women who transition usually have been perceived as “masculine” all their lives and are out lesbians or bi women. They really struggled with societal acceptance. It’s so obvious that this male transitioners are just shallow fetishists that are too entitled to keep their fetishes to themselves.

        My heart goes out to all the daughters of these men who have to grow around a man who is showing them day and night what he thinks woman is: a porn fetish.

  24. GallusMag Says:

    Commenters who are not women in this situation may post relevant resources or report advice from family members/friends who are women whose husbands have done this, but all comments should stay on this topic. Thanks.


  25. I am sorry that this happened to the person in this narration. But not all transitions are like this, and taking control of the situation early on is definitely key. Knowing where you are, who you are and how important you are is the most important thing to remember during a transition. There just isn’t enough support out there for women in this situation, and yes I do know quite well what it feels like to have everyone tell you that you are the heartless one, but if you remember yourself, and your importance in life, you can avoid these people and find the correct support, the correct therapists, not just for yourself but for the transitioning spouse in order to make the cohesiveness of the family work for the sake of everyone involved.

    I also do understand that the trans-community loves to alienate the spouses, making them feel inferior, hence the reason why I have been pushing away from the community itself, but not all trans-people are like that, not all transitions are as destructive.

    The pain she felt is devastating, but how you hold yourself together through it all is what is most important.


    • “The pain she felt is devastating, but how you hold yourself together through it all is what is most important.”

      HELL NO! Better leave tha narcisstic prick! It will only get worse.


      • You seem deluded to think that I had no choice in the decisions past the transition. I had a choice, I made my choice and we have a nice family where I am free to be with a man, and my ex can be with a woman or man, and my children have not lost their loving parents. Choices can be made and not everything has to be a battlefield if you are able to work around the situations you are presented with dignity for yourself and those around you.

    • Atranswidow Says:

      I had planned to write something about the need for therapy and support when faced with a husband who is hell bent on pushing on with his own agenda for transitioning at his own speed. As this commenter has raised the subject I shall do so in response to her.

      Jessica, I understand that you decided to stay with your husband as he transitioned, at least initially. That is your choice and it can not have been an easy one. You talk about getting the ‘correct’ support and therapist not just for yourself but for your spouse and for the sake of the family.

      That my ex had pro-trans counseling at the hospital is to be expected. He needed help, and I would say that he still does. He also needed a psychiatrist’s signature to get the hormones that he wanted. I am sure that he made sure that he ticked all the right boxes. He was also determined that I would go along with his plans, no questions asked, ‘for the sake of the family’.

      For the sake of my sanity I needed therapy. He had pushed at so many boundaries over the years. I knew straight away that my answer was NO. I married a man. He never respected that. I felt betrayed beyond all measure. So I found myself a wonderful therapist, who had no agenda and who listened. It was what helped me get through.

      I assumed that he would leave and I mentally tried to prepare myself for that, but he wasn’t going anywhere. Our tranquil lives became an emotional battle-field that our children had to witness. I developed panic attacks and night terrors; I woke screaming in the night, even if I slept with the lights on. My husband accused me of trying to manipulate the children. What had happened was that the dreadful feelings of being trapped had made an incident of childhood abuse by a neighbour, that I had long buried, come to the surface. I was reliving the same feelings of shame and fear and of being trapped that i had then as a child. My therapist was the first person I ever felt able to talk to about it and with her help i worked through it. I cannot blame my ex for my childhood problems. What I’m saying here is that it is not always easy to hold yourself together, as you suggest, for a number of reasons.

      During my sessions my therapist focused on my husband’s complete lack of empathy with me and told me that she was convinced that he had narcissistic personality disorder. Having since read several books on the subject she was spot on. There are some great books that deal with narcissistic spouses. I would never have been able to move on and learn to grieve and heal if I had attended the therapy sessions at the hospital that he wanted me to do.

      Sorry, I didn’t mean to get so personal. What I wanted to emphasise was, I guess, is that behind every ‘trans heroes’ coming out there is a lot of pain on both sides and the trans community and the medical profession have done nothing to address that.


      • I totally get what you are saying, the first few months were terribly hard as we both tried to figure out where this transition was leaving our family. My children had enjoyed a very loving father for a very long time, and I had lived with a very loving husband for over fifteen years.

        In no way do I say what we arranged or the boundaries that we set are the proper ones, how we handled our situation with the transition is in no way the only way to handle it. But it worked for us, and I always tell the women who I speak to regarding this that the first thing they must do for the sake of their own sanity is to NOT forget themselves. Their feelings, emotions and sexuality are being attacked all at once by the one person they trusted and loved. We have a voice, and many of us forget to use it, I used my voice, when my spouse expressed the need to transitioned I expressed my need to have a man. WE did battle, we kept the children out of the situation until WE knew that there was no way around it, and WE gave them a choice.

        Just like I had a choice to support my ex-spouse through the transition, my children had a choice to accept their father and to support the decision. Both of my children received therapy, a therapist who was not in the trans-community, to avoid them being pushed into their decision. I made sure that I had my head on straight when all decisions were made, and became extremely adamant on who my ex-spouse’s therapist was, and the doctors visited and I also made sure I knew ALL the medications, hormones and practices that my ex-spouse had to go through to maintain her (yes I do refer to her as a female) sanity. She is still a loving, caring father to my children (my children have opted for calling her by her new name as long as they can still call her dad and refer to her as father).

        Arrangements and agreements can be reached, I just steered clear of the trans-community because their push to destroy relationships and families is extremely big, and just because I opted to support my ex-spouse and keep her in the lives of my children doesn’t make me a bad person or a victim. I am aware of what I did, and I do understand those who can not reach this type of agreements, I know many spouses who have cut ties because they really felt they had no other choice and I support those spouses as well, just like I support the spouses who stay with their husbands and remain in a relationship past the transition, because it is also their choice.

  26. Mortadella Says:

    So, a family can stay together based on how much suffering the wife is willing to put up with? Yeah, no. Silent suffering isn’t actually a woman’s prerogative. If you didn’t sign up for that shit, you should be allowed to get angry. Maybe instead of assuming everyone should be on board with a transition, the husband should hold himself together and think about someone other than himself for once.

    • Miep Says:

      I like what has been examined here about how if you legally contract to marry a man, and he decides somewhere down the line to determine female legal status for himself, then you have solid grounds to sue for fraud.


  27. By holding yourself together in no means indicates that you have to silently trudge along agreeing with everything. There are many types of families, and not all include a married couple.

    • Atranswidow Says:

      ‘By holding yourself together in no means indicates that you have to silently trudge along agreeing with everything.’

      What happens when you are given an ultimatum; a no discussion decision that impacts at your very being, puts into question your past and certainly impacts hugely on your future and your children’s future? My ex knew that I wanted no part in his cross-dressing activities, I told him early on that if it ever affected the children then it would be the end of us as a couple.

      When he went to the hospital I thought he was going for psychological help with his cycles of depression and cross-dressing. I knew nothing about gender-dysphoria, and he had never mentioned any feelings of being a woman in over 30 years together. When he announced to me one evening that he was going to go ahead with treatment that would lead to surgery and his becoming a woman he may as well have stabbed me with a knife. There was no discussion, no consideration for my feelings what so ever. I actually found out later that he had already started on hormones and been in contact with a lawyer re changing his identity legally.

      All trust, respect and love that I’d had for him were gone. He had planned everything through, made lists of people we needed to tell. So completely self absorbed that it had never occurred to him that I had a choice in the matter.

      Jessica, I’m glad that you have an amicable relationship with your ex, if that is what works for you. Maybe my story should be a cautionary tale to any woman who is in a relationship with a cross-dresser. Today it would be practically impossible for anyone not to have heard of ‘gender reassignment’. Particularly after Bruce Jenner’s revelations. If you know or suspect that your partner is cross-dressing, even if that’s OK with you, even if you share his hobby, just consider what your reaction would be if he decided to transition. Get it out in the open now. Be firm about what the limits of your tolerance are. How much is he spending on clothes etc? Write down what you agree on and agree to review what you’ve decided on at a future date. You have the right to change the limits of your tolerance if circumstances change; children arrive for example.

      Ask him now ‘do you think you are a woman?’ Who knows if he will tell the truth? But don’t these men know that they are really women from the age of 5? If you can, get him to describe what being a woman means. My ex had no answer to that question. Don’t give 30 years of your life to a narcissist, put yourself in control now before it’s too late.


      • I know many women in this situation. Women who were not given the chance of a choice. I know many who found out after the transition had started about the transition itself. I fully support these women and their decisions to move on. I was fortunate in this sense because I knew about the transition and actually took part in the decision to begin the transition. My spouse and I actually discussed every detail of what was to come in excruciating painful detail. We had the fights and tears before the first actual hormone therapy pill was taken. We made our peace and resolved the situation before anything transition related was done.

        As I said, I know and support many other women who were not given this chance, and also the biggest reason why I steer clear of the trans-community because of their callous treatment towards the spouses and family, but this is also the reason that during the transition I explained what it felt for me to my spouse. She is fully aware about how at the moment it felt as if I had been stabbed in my heart. She knows how I refer to the beginning of the transition as the death of my husband, and it was her who fully supported me and help me mourn his loss, as well as helped me get to the point where I was ready to begin life after his so-called “passing”.

        I do agree that when you find your partner cross-dressing the best thing to do is to actually confront them, not in an angry way, but voice your hesitations towards the stability of your relationship. Not all cross-dressers are trans-sexual, but something in between. The trans-umbrella covers too many variants to gender. A real trans-sexual knows there is something different from the moment they recognize a gender difference. This is not something that comes in mid-life or appears suddenly in your early 20s. As for asking them if they know what it’s like to be a woman, just remember that for their entire life they have been conditioned to socialize as male, and the only knowledge they have of women is what society has taught them, an over-sexualized version of women. Again, I was very fortunate in this sense too, as my spouse and I had this conversation before the birth of our children, and I lived a blissful 15+ year marriage before I lost my husband and was left with my best friend.

    • kaypasser Says:

      Sorry Jesicca, but it doesnt sound remotely ‘dignified’ to me. sounds more like you and your children have bent over backwards to accommodate a liar a fetishist and a cheat who betrayed you all for his sexual thrills.
      My ex thought that giving me permission to fuck other men was a sane response to my distress about his surgery and the fact his orientation was now up for question. ..i could not have felt more humiliated and demeaned – i loved him, i didnt want anyone else. i dont think i’ll ever want anyone again, since that level of intimacy is no longer remotely possible for me because of what he did.
      i wonder if youve checked out his online personas? are you aware of all his activities? because if not, you aint looking after your kids properly.
      so no, i dont believe your arrangement is dignified or healthy, i think its humiliating to you as a woman and a wife, and i feel sorry that you have allowed him to impose this indignity and untruth on your children who do not have a choice.

  28. Andi Says:

    My therapist helped me through this by pointing out that it is indeed ok to feel angry, sad, depressed, terrified, etc. throughout this ordeal. She also opened my eyes to the fact that he, like most men, did/does not care about me and my feelings. He is indeed a narcissistic, self centered misogynist who could not care less about his wife and children.

    I should now accept him as a woman and become a lesbian just to hold the family together and prove that I love him??? NO WAY!!!

    He flaunts his breasts and his shriveled up penis every chance he gets, and that makes me sick to my stomach.

  29. GallusMag Says:

    This post and thread are for women whose male partners have announced their desire to “transition”.

    Commenters who are not women in this situation may post relevant resources or report advice from family members/friends who are women whose husbands have done this.

    If your comment was moderated (and there have been plenty, please stop!) it is because:

    1. You are not a woman whose male partner has announced his desire to transition/has transitioned.

    2. AND You have posted a comment that did not include relevant resources or report on the advice and experiences from women who are actually in this situation.

    I really don’t know how else to get the parameters of this space across to people. Please respect this space. This is a limited thread for women in this situation. Others may post links that they believe may be helpful or relevant to these women. Others may post the experiences of family members or friends as relayed to them, if they feel it is helpful or relevant (like the OP).

    All other comments will be deleted.
    Thank you.

  30. WearyWife Says:

    I’d like to say thank you to all of the women here who have shared their story and to all of the women who are listening to us.
    For two years I’ve searched, reading every bit of information I could get my hands on, being told that I was the one that was selfish, that I was an unaccepting bigot if I didn’t play along with the ruse I saw developing before my eyes.
    For two years I’ve alternated between despair and hope, trying to convince myself that I was the one who wasn’t normal, two years I’ve watched my family grow and cried tears of agony at the prospect of the life that my children might face because of their fathers selfishness.
    Finally, FINALLY! In finding this blog, I feel like I’m not so crazy after all! There ARE people out there like me who question what is quickly becoming generally accepted, embraced even. People who don’t shelve their suspicions and gut feelings for the sake of fitting in with the politically correct.
    People who are seeing and standing up for the forgotten, the wives and children who have had to struggle with a burden that they did not expect to have to bear.
    So add me to the list of the voices that need to be heard because surely SOMEBODY out there will eventually listen and the tides will begin to turn.

    • Fruitopia Says:

      Gays are no longer expected to force themselves to like the opposite sex, so straight women should not be expected to force themselves to like the same sex when their partners “transition”.

      I agree with the commenters who said it was fraud, and I agree with the women who have noticed that their “transitioning” is nothing to do with actually being a woman, but a shallow sexual fetish


  31. Have you seen this? It shows men hiding their “ladeebrainz” from their loving, long term, wives. That’s not the topic, but I think it’s tangentially related.

    http://nymag.com/thecut/2015/04/inside-the-world-of-femme-coaching.html

    My ex was an autogenophilic xdresser.
    TW for CSA
    At first I went along w it because I fully believed it was the progressive sex pozzie thing to do. That it was disgusting to me? No matter. I wanted to be open minded and supportive. that’s what modern feminists do, right?
    *_dont do this!_*
    for 2 reasons-
    1) Give a tranny an inch and they always take a mile. You will soon find yourself with someone who has a massive stash of dress up gear, goes to parks dressed up, just to get fucked by random dudes, and who has little to no interest in sex that doesn’t involve him dressing up. And the CL ads, and countless selfies- they may make u nauseous when you find them.

    I promise that It never ends with a few dresses.

    And 2) in my exs case, he got this fetish from being raped for years, as a child. Even down to the color of bra he liked to wear (first seen in a porn) it all came directly from that trauma (which he said he never considered as such, even though it’s always rape when you’re 7 and the relative is 12-13).

    I didnt know this stuff had happened, and I sure didn’t know that people that have CSA often reenact the abuse. I would never have participated had I known. Who wants to further hurt someone in this way?
    And I am sure he is not the only one that became a xdresser due to CSA.

    Mine was also into meth which was directly related. He only dressed up when high, which was more and more often.
    He was removed by cops for attacking me a month ago, and its great without him! But don’t wait as long as I did.

  32. GallusMag Says:

    “”How do you make a hormone?” she asks me during an interview, one of several discussions.

    I shake my head.

    “Don’t pay her,” she barks.

    Stereotypical guy humor.

    “I was socialized as a guy forever,” Chovanes says, with a shake of her blonde hair. (She loves being a tall, eye-catching blonde. “Guys are so easy to manipulate.”)

    That she loves male attention, while still being sexually attracted to her wife is part of the mystery of human sexuality. I don’t understand all of it. Few do.

    Chovanes still checks out women, but now, she laughs, she’s also checking out what they’re wearing.”
    —–

    “The important person as yet unmentioned is Julie’s wife, who declined to comment to protect her privacy and her family. That is why I will not name her nor the children with whom they live in Chestnut Hill. The children, Julie says, have accepted her after the transition.

    I did speak to, but won’t quote, the spouse of 27 years. Without being crass or cute, I sense she may be where Jenner’s second wife, Linda Thompson was, filled with disbelief and sadness.

    “Being married to a woman was not what I had envisioned for my life,” Thompson was quoted as saying.

    Speaking for her spouse, Chovanes says their relationship is good. “She saw this as part of what God is calling her to do,” Julie says.”

    Read more at http://www.philly.com/philly/news/20150501_The_Bruce_Jenner_of_Chestnut_Hill.html#YrJrKRdkTcPmFkwh.99

    • Atranswidow Says:

      There’s going to be a rash of Bruce Jenner style coming out stories right now. Every local newspaper must be on the lookout for a man who’s willing to tell his and his family’s story for 5 minutes of fame. But, Joe’s wife? At least the reporter was relatively sensitive.

      ”She saw this as part of what God is calling her to do,” says Joe. I can only imagine what pain and heartache that comment hides. Don’t these men ever say sorry?

  33. naefearty Says:

    Sorry I didn’t see this post before. I hope it’s not too late to chip in. A lot of my experiences are in my blog which is linked to above, so I won’t waste space recounting much here.
    Firsr I just want to say how amazing it is to finally see women speaking their truth about their experiences. I went for many years without finding a single piece of writing that reflected my own sense of horror and abuse at the hands of one of these men. Encountering this blog was like coming up for air. Now, we are starting to see more wonen coming out of the closet these men force us in to, and it is becoming possible to gather evidence of the behaviour of these men as a form of systematic abuse, rather than isolated cases or outliers to the conventional stories promulgated by the trans (male) propaganda machine. It is becoming possible to recognise and name it for what it is – rank misogyny. The experience of female partners has for too long been overlooked. We need a network of survivors to support each other and to campaign to have this abuse recognised as a assault on our human rights as females. Govern.ments are rapidly introducing “gender identity” provisions that go beyond job, housing, health care protections for “transgender” people and are actively infringing on female sex based protections. This has to stop. The public has to be disabuse of the cosy myth of these men as somehow delicate suffering flowers “trapped in a man’s body”. Bullshit. This is evidently a sexual/personality disorder that should not be enabled at the expense of women.
    I agree with all the advice above. I would particularly want to advise women to delve into their partner’s online history. As others have said, what you will find will turn your stomach. But it is necessary to see for yourself the sickness, the duplicity, the deusion, the narcism at the root of these men’s claims to “womanhood”. You need to get rid of any idea that any of this about you. That you are sonehow “helping” this brave soul in “her” journey. He doesn’t give a shit about you beyond his parasitic need. It’s hard to hear. But invariably the truth. Don’t devote one more day of your life to them. Seek out women to spend time with *without him*. He wants your friends to practice “girl talk” with. Lard knows what fantasies he weaves around a seemingly innocent cup of coffee with your female friends.
    If you have female children watch him like a hawk for his urging her to play dress up with him, go shopping together, “practice” make up, etc. Your daughters are not here to act as his proxy “girlhood” friends.
    Stay close to women. Avoid the so called “support for wives and SOs” threads on Trans support sites like Susans.org, Roses, and My Husband Betty. You will find nothing but gaslighting in the guise of “concern”, and you will start to think that maybe you are wrong – it must be your fault if so many women manage to “stay friends’ or even embrace their new “wife”. You are under no obligation to care one iota for this man. Don’t let reality slip from your grasp. Love yourself. Respect females. Read blogs like this.

    • Atranswidow Says:

      ”The experience of female partners has for too long been overlooked. We need a network of survivors to support each other and to campaign to have this abuse recognised as a assault on our human rights as females. Govern.ments are rapidly introducing “gender identity” provisions that go beyond job, housing, health care protections for “transgender” people and are actively infringing on female sex based protections. This has to stop. The public has to be disabuse of the cosy myth of these men as somehow delicate suffering flowers “trapped in a man’s body”.

      Naefearty, I couldn’t agree with you more. It’s what I would really love to see happen. But how? Right now it seems to me even more difficult than it was 2 years ago. People are swallowing the ”trans hero”, ”lady brain” shit in bucket loads. They don’t even realise that they are drinking the Kool-aid.

      Plus, it takes a long time to get anywhere being over it. I went through a grieving process, and to some extent still am. It needs to be recognised that wives/partners need time at first. I’m ready to move on and put the past behind me. I’m happy if I don’t hear from him, but a phone call is enough to set me off…. the ”voice from beyond the grave”. I’m gradually learning to be more assertive and remember all I’ve read about dealing with narcissists.

      I was never very political, feminism past me by until now, but thanks to blogs like Gendertrender i discovered radical feminism. I really do think it is time to take a stand on this issue. I see so much ”official” disinformation. I am talking about GIRES in the UK, for instance.

      We can swap stories ad infinitum, but until the reality of autogynephilia is widely recognised for what it is and how destructive it is in terms of individuals (these men need psychiatric help, not hormones and surgery) families and women’s rights then I don’t see how things will change.

      • Ashland Avenue Says:

        But how? Set up your own blog, expressing your viewpoints and offering support. Then start leaving links to it at Susans, Roses, and My Husband Betty. Leave a link to it in the comments at every article you see about a MtT in the mainstream media. Word will spread. “If you build it, they will come.”


      • You’d be surprised at how quickly attitudes will change. For the most part there are people out there that feel the same way we do, they’re just isolated. When they see us making the comments we do, they’ll realize they’re not alone and start speaking up too. I’ve been a part of two major change movements in the twenty years I’ve been online, and it’s amazing how quickly things will snowball. I’ll give you one example:

        When I first came online hardly any black women wore their hair in its natural state, that is, unprocessed with chemical relaxers. There was little to no information about how to manage our hair other than slapping chemicals on it. Never mind that this often resulted in chemical burns and hair breakage, it’s all we knew. To even speak of trying anything different was controversial, almost heretical. Then one-by-one, on blogs, message boards and eventually YouTube, black women started teaching one another how to care for our own hair. How to deal with the blowback from society and within our families. We developed styles and made our own products because there were none commercially available.

        Now, relaxer companies are seeing a tremendous profit loss. They’ve gone from a billion dollar a year industry to half that amount. Products for natural hair care are widely available (I still prefer the products I make at home), celebrities are willing to be seen in public with their natural hair. People who’d previously said, “natural hair isn’t for everyone” are now coming out with product lines. (As if).

        Yes, I realize that for most white women this comparison might seem trivial, but for black women hair is practically a religion, and no, that’s not hyperbole. We have a history of our hair being mocked, ridiculed and even outlawed. This is a change of monumental proportions and it didn’t take money, or a government program or backing from some organization. It was just black women doing as we’ve always done; taking care of one another.

      • Dorothy Mantooth Says:

        (Just saw this thread; I’ve just come back online [so to speak].)

        First, wow, I’m so very flattered/pleased that my comment was/is considered helpful!

        Second, I wanted to suggest basically what AshlandAvenue has said. It may not necessarily be helpful to you, but it will, I think, be a huge help for all of us in general:

        Tell your story!! Tell it in comments whenever some media site runs an article about MtTs or any trans issue. Make your voice be heard, and show people that we are NOT all on board with this nonsense, that for every “trans hero” they try to force down our throats there is probably a woman, and maybe children, who is left used, abused, confused, and hurt. Show them that this is harmful to us. Show them that the behaviors these men exhibit are nothing but abusive narcissism.

        You will probably want to set up a second commenting account for this, as a precaution; not just against doxing or whatever, but because there are sites that will automatically ban anyone who dares to point out that these men are MEN, not women, and that their actions hurt not just the women in their lives, but all of us. It amazes me that you can get banned from a “feminist” website for saying men do not belong in women’s bathrooms, but it is a sad fact. Protect yourself and set up an alternate account.

        And then use it. Use it everywhere and every chance you get. Keep your story short and simple; even just a few lines will suffice. But tell your story. Make them see you. (Even a banned comment will be visible for a period of time, and who knows how many will see it? Who knows how many women you can help?)

        Please, share your story. Please make sure that everyone who reads these fawning bullshit “He’s finally being his ‘real self,’ how brave!” stories will also see the mess and trauma these “heroes” leave behind. He’s not a butterfly, he’s a moth, destroying everything he comes across and acting like he’s right to do so.

  34. naefearty Says:

    I started my own blog to see if I could reach other women and let them see they are not alone. It was the isolation that almost killed me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on because a) I didn’t want it to be how people defined me, and forever be in their eyes either a freak or a victim, and b) I learned pretty quickly that others were far more interested in *his* story and encouraging *me* to “understand”. And I know it sounds odd but I carried such deep shame for being in that situation.
    I do feel that women need to find each other and give each other the strength we need to expose these untold stories to the world. To insert our narratives into the current public love affair with all things trans.
    I’d also like to see more awareness on the part of the therapeutic community of the effects on women and children of being involved with these men. Id like to see proper research into it. Academic journals covering it. Training and awareness raising. All the things accorded to the men who are actively destroying the psyche of those around them. A recognition that there is a need for specialist support. Lord knows I tried. Doctors, counsellors, even Women’s Aid. All of them tempered whatever support they were willing to give with an eye on adressing my percieved “transphobia”. I swear, no pit is so deep or so dark as a woman who is being psychologically tortured who is told she must “understand” her oppressor finds herself in. This has to change. I think that recognition will only come when our voices become so loud and so numerous that we can’t be ignored. Only then will money follow for the research needed to lend credibility to our stories. Sadly, its only then that we will be raken seriously and not labelled outliers to the “wonderful journey” bullshit stories of women standing by these men. Yes, some women do. The vast majority don’t and eventually escape – but not un-scarred. We need help to process our trauma. I still have PTSD. But if I admitted to a counsellor that my triggers (make up ads, certain perfumes, a whole host of seemingly inconsequential stuff but most of all being physically anywhere near a man that thinks he’s a woman) I would be branded a bigot and subjected to covert “education” about the “suffering” of these men. I know this because IT HAPPENED.
    As for posting links in Trans sites, well I honestly can’t go anywhere near them. Even their logos bring me out I a clammy sick feeling. I was a member of the MHB boards for years, gradually growing more and more infuriated. Hanging in to show support for women who wandered in hurt and confused. Hoping to ameliorate the gaslighting she was certain to be subjected to. But then I was “outed” for writing a positive review of The Transsexual Empire and booted from the site. By all means, if anyone else wants venture into those sites to link it,
    go ahead. But for me, I won’t be venturing anywhere near those cesspits.

    • GallusMag Says:

      “I swear, no pit is so deep or so dark as a woman who is being psychologically tortured who is told she must “understand” her oppressor finds herself in.”

      ^^^this.

    • Ashland Avenue Says:

      Totally understandable, Naefearty. My post was naïve, and insensitive. I apologize.

    • Elle Says:

      “It was the isolation that almost killed me. I couldn’t talk to anyone about what was going on because a) I didn’t want it to be how people defined me, and forever be in their eyes either a freak or a victim, and b) I learned pretty quickly that others were far more interested in *his* story and encouraging *me* to “understand”. And I know it sounds odd but I carried such deep shame for being in that situation.”

      This is 100% my experience as well. *Especially* not wanting it to be how people defined me. But this required absolute silence and, as you said, isolation. The entire summer after I found out, I lived as a hermit, curtains drawn against the beautiful, normal world, unable to interact with anyone, dishes piling up unwashed for weeks in the sink, drinking too much, not drinking enough, sobbing more than I thought humanly possible. It wasn’t a death; it was much, much worse. People know how to help the bereaved, but I knew that no one would understand (and really, why should they?) so I stayed silent, isolated, ashamed, wretched. Even though I could say I’m stronger for having gone through it, the truth is it wasn’t redeeming, and I would love to know who I might have been had I not had to endure it.

      Thank you for your post, Naefearty.

    • AreUSayingWhatUThink Says:

      Re: Therapist response: When I talked to a therapist about how I was put off, repulsed, outraged, when a man I was dating revealed his autogynephila to me, she said, “maybe that is something you’d like to explore with him,” you know, I shouldn’t be so emotionally invested in it, I should be able to be nonjudgmental about it. I was dating him, there WAS a degree of emotional investment. A friend said, when I told him about it, he already knew, his response was, he felt people like that should get more understanding. My thought was: what about people like ME? When the hell have I ever gotten “more understanding,” or any understanding at all? What about what I want from a sexual relationship – don’t I get to want some things and not others?

  35. Atranswidow Says:

    Ashland, the idea of a blog is appealing and it is something i may eventually do.

    I have a few legal battles of my own to deal with first. Coming to this blog and others like Naefearty’s and Awsome Cat’s, plus some of the brilliant radical feminist blogs has been both therapeutic, educational and empowering.

    I recently spoke with a friend who is an International children’s rights lawyer and she advised me, amongst other things, to read Sun Tzu ”The Art of War”.

    ”If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles… if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle.”

    So that’s what I’m doing for now; reading, learning, collecting data, knowing my enemy and myself at all levels. It suits my scientific mindset. What I’m uncovering is a gross can of worms of misinformation and hiding the truth by the trans propaganda machine.

    ”He who is prudent and lies in wait for an enemy who is not, will be victorious”.

    Sun Tzu also said ”If your opponent is temperamental, seek to irritate him”. That’s such an easy thing to do with these men!

    We will win the war together.

  36. Elle Says:

    I posted this in another thread, but I think it is especially needed in this one.

    • Ashland Avenue Says:

      OH HELL TO THE YEAH!!

      This woman needs to be president.

      • Janice Says:

        I don’t know if you will ever read this, but if God finds a way then it shall be… I loved your video! I actually started crying as it has happened to me… I have been with my husband for almost 25 years and have a 10 year old boy. My husband came out 1 year ago to me and I cannot tell you all the things I have gone through…and still going through. I sure wish I had a friend like you to come over and kick his sorry ass! I wish I had a friend like you to smack me and help me move forward… I have no one to help, no job, and have to live with him until I can get my ass back on my feet…the depression stands in the way so bad and hurts me… I would love to hear from you if you can…thanks again for your video, made me smile🙂 -Janice

  37. GallusMag Says:

    From a daughter’s POV but I thought some of it might have resonance for women who discover this thread.
    http://www.vice.com/read/heres-what-my-life-has-been-like-since-my-dad-came-out-as-transgender-619

    • Elle Says:

      Thanks for sharing this essay. I had some difficulties with the author’s sometimes unquestioning acceptance of the trans narrative, but her own pain came through as genuine and sadly familiar. Her description of the “vaporization” of her father felt spot on. After all, when the person you knew and loved disappears forever, isn’t that a death?
      Thanks again.

      • GallusMag Says:

        I don’t think he’s being vaporized. He’s demanding that she re-conceive him, but he’s actually the same abusive asshole that tormented her all her life. It must be quite a shock to discover what a hypocrite and liar he is but it’s just more of the same, isn’t it? I found it sad that the heroic trans narrative suggests he should get some sort of pass for his lifelong misbehavior. Not very healing for her, I’m afraid. Anyway, I just remembered this is a closed thread and I shouldn’t be commenting here. Duh! My bad!

      • anon male Says:

        OMG, the commentators there are awful. “We took our time listening to you whine about YOUR life so you have to let us insult you for our compensation!”

        I have to laugh at the “Laverne Cox is soooo intersectional, ya know”…

        Like, when he’s slamming a woman’s face into the wall? When he’s calling them bitches? Or when he’s winning a fight against three women without really trying via sheer weight and momentum until the script forces a camera reset and the three women all charge like a SWAT team instead of prison inmates, each carefully sweeping a different leg?

        but still:

        It’s amazing how the correct reaction to “trans x is a monomaniacal republican abuser” is just “well, sure, some trans people can be terrible, trans people are people after all”

        When hypocrisy is the only mortal sin left in Western culture.

        But for Trans, hypocrisy is just part of the diagnosis, a forgivable symptom of pain.

  38. Elle Says:

    That martyr complex drove me nuts when my husband “came out” as T: it was like he suddenly got to play the “but look what I was secretly dealing with all those years” card. As if he were the only person in the world having to deal with something.

    As for the “vaporization,” that’s just what it felt like to me. You grow to love and count on a person’s physicality and demeanor, especially someone you planned to spend the rest of your life with. To lose your partner to a natural death is heartbreaking, but to lose him to a sick, irredeemable choice is heartbreaking and totally incomprehensible. It’s like watching a slow-motion suicide.

  39. Atranswidow Says:

    There are very few things written by children who have a transgender parent. This young woman describes her initial reaction to the trauma of the news which ultimately led to the break up of her first significant relationship as her boyfriend couldn’t handle her grief, describes her anger at her father, her wish that her mother would leave her father and stop being a doormat, she recognises how controlling and abusive her father had been in the past and is devastated by the lack of support from her friends. My heart goes out to her. She has been let down by just about everyone in her life at the age of 25.

    What I am still trying to get my head around is that she then feels duty bound to accept the situation…”I must be a relentless ally, simply because everyone else, detached from nearly three decades of family dynamics, perceives that to be the only proper response.” She seems desperate to hold on to her father at all cost, and that I understand. Why does she feel it her duty to protect him? It is not her duty to stand up for her father. It’s as if the parent/child roles have been switched. Drinking the trans kool-aid seems to be her coping mechanism. I’m sure that a lot of this may be tied up in her relationship with her mother too, and i notice that her thanks for giving her support in writing this essay extend to many people but not to her mother. Knowing nothing from the mother’s side of things it’s impossible to say.

    I’m sure that it was very hard to write and I admire her honesty and feel so much of her pain. This is her story and I’m very glad that she told it.

  40. GallusMag Says:

    The transgender blues: If my husband was always a she, were we ever really an us?

    BY LISA JAFFE HUBBELL
    July 14, 2015, 8:00 a.m.
    Every time Caitlyn Jenner makes headlines, I can’t help but think of Kris, her ex-wife. Kris may put on a smile and say how lovely Caitlyn looks, how brave she is, how well things are going for her, but Kris has revealed some less charitable thoughts too. I’d bet she is actually raw and angry and sad. I’d put money on it because I too am the ex-wife of a trans woman.

    http://touch.latimes.com/#section/-1/article/p2p-83969574/

    • mayimoktoo Says:

      Oh that poor woman! Dealing with poverty, divorce, and cancer alone while nurturing three children. Heartbreaking even without the sicko trying to play bigger victim. I wish I could be sure that all the money was going to her, I’d donate in a second.

      That bastard husband who made it all about him can just shut the fuck up now.

    • Meg Says:

      We wound up in this position after my transition cost me my six-figure broadcasting career.

      If a woman changed her appearance in a way that would have cost her a good paying job and a way to provide for her children, people would tell her it’s selfish to stop performing in whatever way is necessary to keep a roof over her family’s head. Nobody would show any pity or empathy for a woman who stops conforming to what is required of her to survive.

      But men? They must be true to themselves, rather than to the commitments they’ve made, so sacrifices on behalf of their family’s future and security are necessary for men’s self-actualization and authenticity.

      This is the saddest story I have read, but inside this sad story is a man who felt that gender identity was more important than keeping his family financially secure. Men are so valued that there’s no sacrifice too high, no cost too much to enable him to be who he wants to be – no matter who it hurts.

      I’m between anger and sympathy right now – and it’s a weird place to be.

    • gchild Says:

      What can he do, he asks? How about get off your lazy, self absorbed ass and go take care of your damn kids!

      I have seen women with cancer get up from their sickbeds and cook for their children. I have seen women with death in their eyes take their children shopping for school supplies. I have been that woman in unimaginable pain get up and srub floors and toilets because my child deserved not to live in filth. This is the norm for women. The norm for men is to disappear and/or disengage. Be 1000 miles away chasing pussy claiming their true “authentic selves”. I wonder how much money will go to his “I is a woman now!” expenses?

      Men are as men fucking do as far as I’m concerned.

    • atranswidow Says:

      Yes, mayimoktoo, what came across to me in the middle of all that sad story was his need to be the victim/hero. Here is a woman trying to maintain the family dignity and integrity whilst dealing with her own health issues. Meanwhile he posts personal family pictures and a ‘go fund me’.

      Look Don, she divorced you, she has her own family supporting her. She needs you like a goldfish needs a bicycle. Keep in touch with the kids if they want you to. Just get up off your self-centered butt and keep up the divorce payments. Yes, you’re on your own and that sucks, but you sold that woman a lie. Now you’ve found your ”real self”, good for you. Arrivederci.

      I knew when I divorced my ex that financially it wasn’t the best move. But I still remember the day he finally left as the day I started breathing and living again. That grey cloud went with him. His need to be the ”real me” was so obsessive and he was totally unable to comprehend that his reality was not shared by us all. He still doesn’t get it. It’s part of the illness.

    • Julianna D Says:

      So I looked this guy up to see who he was and what he felt so guilty about since the gofundme page sounded like a pity party for himself and not about his cancer-stricken ex-wife and children.

      I found a few articles since he was an ABC News producer, and, though I admittedly didn’t spend a lot of time on it, I only found one “news” source that mentioned how he threw his wife under the bus. Unfortunately, it was the NY Daily News, so I won’t link to it, but here are the relevant parts, as this guy changed his “gender” three times. (Gee, I wonder what happened to drain the couple’s bank accounts?):

      “The story dates back to May 2013, when Don Ennis showed up at work wearing a little black dress and a wig and told co-workers to call him Dawn.

      […]

      At the time, Ennis, a father of three, said he had an “unusual hormone imbalance” and was more comfortable living as a woman.

      […]

      Soon after becoming Dawn, Ennis and his wife of 17 years separated — but three months later, Dawn showed up at work as Don again. He claimed that he had suffered from amnesia and accused his wife of dressing him in a wig and creating a fake ID card with the name “Dawn” on it.

      “I am now totally, completely, unabashedly male in my mind, despite my physical attributes,” he said in an email to his colleagues at that time.

      The Danbury, Conn., journalist explained that while his memories of the last 14 years had returned, his female identity did not.

      Then Ennis returned to work as Dawn in May — and was fired shortly afterward.

      Ennis could not be reached Monday and ABC News officials declined to comment.”

      • kesher Says:

        I think that might be funniest thing I’ve seen all week. And what a surprise, he blames the wife for his feminizing.

        On another note, I find it interesting that Don is only asking for $2,500. Even if the ex has excellent health insurance, she’s going to have to pay $6,000 out of pocket (that’s the out-of-pocket expense mandated by Obamacare) per year until remission, and that’s not including services that aren’t covered by insurance. What is $2,500 going to do?

      • Teal Deer Says:

        Yeah, kesher, I was wondering that, too. With all those medical bills, all the collection agencies he claims are calling, and even indicating that some of the money is meant to help out with his daughter’s Bat Mitzvah, $2,500 will disappear very quickly, and not cover much.

  41. verykoolkay Says:

    My soon-to-be ex DH is a classic autogynephile (hours of masturbating to trans porn, asking me to tell him “forced feminization” stories while he was dressed in lingerie, acts very masculine in public, in a STEM field), but hasn’t transitioned (yet). Actually, the reason we are divorcing is that I discovered he was having an affair with a girl 20 years younger than him. When I confronted him about the affair, he said the had been seriously considering gender reassignment surgery for several years and had researched some clinics, but that the affair “cured” him of his sexual fetish.

    What do you think? I think Bailey said that sometimes autogynephilia can go into remission when the man is in the throes of a new relationship but usually comes back. Looking back, I see that he was always trying to blame me for his being less and less sexually attracted to me during our marriage (although he appeared to be very attracted to me when we first met), saying that I didn’t dress femininely enough, my stomach was too big (didn’t lose my pregnancy weight fast enough, but I was still a size 6/8), didn’t shave my armpits/legs often enough, didn’t get my nails manicured enough (I’m a WOHM who was also taking care of 2 young children). He said that he had a “strong” needs for things feminine and I didn’t satisfy that, but I had always not been super-feminine.

    Btw, after I filed for divorce (almost 2 years ago), my DH said he ended his affair once and for all (although he had lied previously about ending the affair) and begged me to reconcile, saying that he couldn’t live without me, etc. I seriously considered reconciling, mainly because of the kids, but after meeting with him and a marriage therapist, I decided that he wasn’t truly remorseful (all talk but no action). He hasn’t acted very exemplarily during the divorce, e.g., I had to file a motion for temporary child support because he stopped depositing his paycheck into our joint account, and, when I told his family about the affair, he told them he was driven to it because I was a lesbian (I’m not lesbian).

    Btw, my kids seem to be doing great (actually I think my older one is even happier and more popular at school than when my DH and I were together). My DH was just a very toxic person to be around. He diagnosed himself as being bipolar (he is a medical doctor), and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when around him (didn’t know when he would snap/rage and would blame all his misery, including his dissatisfaction in his job, on me), though there were times when he appeared to be happy and we did family stuff together. Do you think this kind of behavior is related to autogynephilia?

    Anyways, Gallus Mag, thanks so much for this blog. I think a lot of wives of autogynephiles feel like they need to be the “good wife” to support their husbands in their autogynephilic fantasies, for fear of being labeled “trans” phobic, bigoted, selfish, unloving, etc. I’m not sure if my DH will eventually transition, and I do sometimes feel lonely/sad that I no longer have an intact family, but, in many respects, I am happy to get out now.

    • marm Says:

      VeryKoolKay – I suggest that you do some reading about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This seems to be very common in autogynephilic men – and explains the alleged “remission” induced by a new relationship. Narcissists typically focus very intensely on their new love interest, with very black and white thinking. When their narcissistic supply begins to dry up (ie new partner revealing human traits, or finding fault with a narcissist’s callous and egocentric behaviour) then they will be devalued and discarded, commonly in a cruel manner. Narcissists are very rageful people in my experience, who despise being personally criticized but are extremely critical of others.

      There is a lot of good info online about surviving the aftermath of a relationship with a narcissist. Warning – there is also some drek – and anything written by a man named Sam Vaknin should be avoided (he is an extremely manipulative psychopath who has portrayed himself as a psychology expert but has lied about his education, credentials, etc. and has been very abusive towards his targets – a typical wolf in sheep’s clothing).

      • verykoolkay Says:

        Thanks, marm. I have read about autogynephiles being narcissistic during their transition, but is it your experience that they are also narcissistic people in general, even prior to or with no transition? I am wondering if narcissistic men are more likely to be autogynephilic or if it’s the other way around or if there is some kind of synergistic effect.

        And, looking back, I think he thought perhaps that his autogynephilia was getting out of control, spending hours every night I think watching tranny porn. TMI, but it got to the point when we were trying to conceive our second child that he couldn’t get an erection without taking Viagra and watching tranny porn. But he kept on telling me that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me because I was overweight (I’m a size 6/8), wasn’t feminine enough, etc., when I am a reasonably attractive woman who looks very young for her age.

        So, when he started an affair with a girl almost 20 years younger than me, who was skinnier and more feminine than me, that was emotionally devastating to me and also a blow to my ego. It was also confusing and surprising because I never thought that he would have an affair with another woman when his fetish was cross-dressing. I think he was trying to escape his autogynephilia and blame it on me. I wondered why she was able to “cure” him of his autogynephilia and I wasn’t, and he, in effect, said it was because she was more physically attractive and feminine than me.

    • atranswidow Says:

      ”Btw, my kids seem to be doing great (actually I think my older one is even happier and more popular at school than when my DH and I were together). My DH was just a very toxic person to be around. He diagnosed himself as being bipolar (he is a medical doctor), and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells when around him (didn’t know when he would snap/rage and would blame all his misery, including his dissatisfaction in his job, on me), though there were times when he appeared to be happy and we did family stuff together. Do you think this kind of behavior is related to autogynephilia?”

      Except for the bit about about diagnosing himself as bipolar, (although I always thought a lot of my ex’s problems were associated with Asperger’s like symptoms) my experience is identical to yours. My kids are thriving since my ex left. I know exactly what you mean about that walking on eggshells feeling, He blamed everyone else for his job dissatisfaction; no one ever appreciated or understood him and it was always their fault not his. But, yes I do miss the happy times, the family holidays and our shared love of the great outdoors. I really think that autogynephilia is just one aspect of a progressive illness with cycles of depression, an underlying narcissistic personality disorder and I suspect that it may be a result of traumatic experiences in childhood. But you’ll never get them to even consider anything apart from the ”lady brain trapped in the wrong body”.

      I’m so glad that you got out and that you and your kids are rebuilding your lives.

  42. dodekahedron Says:

    Hello, glad to finally have found other women who have been through the same thing. I’ve been looking for 3 years now.

    I met my former spouse 6 years ago, in the military. We got pregnant pretty fast on accident at the end of our military careers. We moved to his home town because that’s where his family is and we wanted to make it work. The first year and a half of our kids life was good and unremarkable. Then in march of that year he had been extra loving that week. Something I’ve never seen before (I can count on one hand how many times he’s said I love you and most of those times alcohol was involved) I actually thought he was gearing up to propose.

    One night I came home from class and he was watching a movie or something or reading something. A joke was made and he came out then. I didn’t believe him. Well he expected me to stay involved with him and be his beard through transition. With no respect to what I wanted. He didn’t even want to tell his mother. He wanted to go away for a period of time and come back as a woman. Like Ugly Betty. He completely self diagnosed. Spent all our savings on electrolysis. Ordered hormones online. Then took out loans to go overseas for surgery.

    I’ve never really recovered from this. I took a year off from dating. Right before my kid turned 3 I met a guy who treated my kid great and when he asked me out I said yes. Somehow I let my kid end up calling this asshole daddy because I was still reeling from the fact my kid will never have one. Stayed way too long with that abusive dick just because I was so fixated on my kid having a male role model.

    So now I’ve double fucked my kid up. I’ve tried therapy for myself but the one therapist my insurance covers FIRED me because she was too obsessed with my military background and didn’t want to talk about my kids father being Transgender. Probably because she’s never dealt with that shit before.

    People think I’m always being a fucking insensitive bitch when I call my ex by his birth name. But I’m only ever talking to him when it’s about the child he FATHERED. He doesn’t even really want anything to do with the kid either because it’s a constant reminder he is genetically a guy.

    He actually moved away for school but I had been taking our kid there for some weekends before. He joined a synagogue after his surgery. So they only know him postop. And apparently he has led on he is the child’s MOTHER. They asked where the child stays during the week when he’s in class. I can’t remember what he said because I was so pissed off.

    He’s truly a narcissist and only cared about himself. I’ve managed to have a healthy relationship since then, but I always have to explain about my ex super early since he’s still around.

    Thanks for reading. I’m sure I didn’t say everything I meant to and I cussed too much but thanks for letting me vent.

    • GallusMag Says:

      Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sure it will help other women going through the same thing. Check out some of the blogs authored by women who survived autogynephile partners (linked in this thread) too!

  43. Anne lewis Says:

    Hello, thanks for your replies, and I cuss all the time so not offended at all. I will check out the other blogs if I can figure out how to get to them. I can say that talking about this with other people, that have or are going through the same thing is helping me. No one can possibly get what, and how we feel. But I’m getting away and out of this bullshit nonsense!!! I’m not buying any of it.

    I’ve now come to the conclusion that NORMAL is the new minority.
    And if these people want to fuck up there body, then go for it. But but they shouldn’t be taking anyone else down with them. I’m not going down with the ship, I’m on a life boat headed for shore.

    Anne

  44. connie Says:

    Thank you so much for all the information. I just found out my husband of 20+ years wants to live like a woman all I could think of is “what did I do wrong to make him want to be a women?” After reading all the info I’m now taking the steps to protect my self,credit cards, bank accounts, children, etc. I am strong and I will make it threw this. Thanks again.

  45. TransWidowed Says:

    Thanks so much for posting this. Last week I left my husband of 17 years. I found out two years ago he had created (and been living publicly ) this whole secret life as a crossdresser/ trans person. I was devastated! This last two years has been a nightmare. Manipulation, lies and having to bear the brunt of his anger and rage because some Christian politician spoke out against his transgender lifestyle and I was the closest Christian he could unleash on.

    I’m in hiding now and hadn’t planned on filing for divorce soon for financial reasons but this article has made me see that just getting away from him isn’t enough. Starting divorce proceedings quickly is important also in order to protect me in areas I hadn’t thought about. Thank you again for this and I’d appreciate any advice others in this situation might have.

  46. Danielle Says:

    He just told me after 15 years…. He wants to be a woman. He wants me to be supportive. I’ve seen him as a man for fifteen years… We have a 3 year old son. WTF do I do?

    • atranswidow Says:

      See Trans Widowed’s comment above. Get a lawyer and protect your half of any joint property and investments. Trust your gut feelings. Confide in close friends. You and your child are the ones who need the support right now. Read this post and follow the links to others, like Christine Benvenuto, who’ve gone through this and then decide where YOU want to go with this. It’s tough, it’s heartbreaking and very lonely. There are those of us who have survived and in many ways have learned a lot along the way about ourselves and about others. Good luck.


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