So Your Husband is “Becoming A Woman”: Advice from women who’ve been there
April 23, 2015
“You are NOT alone. Aside from some of the wonderful women here, this happened to my MIL. Luckily none of the children in that case were young, but it still caused serious problems for them–it was so devastating to his son that he moved to another country. My ex-stepFIL–who now is “a woman,” although he looks, talks, and behaves exactly like a man–barely has a relationship with his children anymore. He’s rarely permitted to see his biological grandchildren, and then only with supervision. (We allow him to see our daughters, but with the caveat that he is NOT to “present” as anything but male around them. We do not call him by his ridiculous tranny name and our girls are not even aware that he goes by a different name around other people.)
His health has been seriously damaged, but as others have said, he made/is making his own choice.
Anyway. Like you, my MIL found that there was zero support for her, and everyone, from therapists to online “support” groups, told her she was the one with the problem because she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of sleeping with/being married to a tranny, and didn’t believe that he could actually “become” anything more than a castrato with fake breasts, which is exactly what he is. More than once she ended up in tears because of how she was spoken to and treated by those people, and because they made her feel like SHE was the one at fault, SHE was the one whose behavior was cruel and unforgivable. It’s likely you will run into people who will say the same to you or treat you the same way. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG TO THINK THIS IS HORRIFYING AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WRONG TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER IN ANY WAY YOU CAN.
(Sorry for the all-caps, but I feel the above needs an emphasis as strong as I can possibly give it.)
I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you, having a young child. I am absolutely furious on your and her behalf at the monstrous selfishness and disregard for both of you that this man is displaying.
I really wish I could offer you some real advice or help. All I can tell you is that my MIL wishes very much that she had done several of the following things (this was about fifteen years ago now, and not in the US, and of course every situation is different, but you may want to consider or look into these things, which are of course not legal advice and I am not a lawyer):
1. She wishes she had filed for divorce much earlier in the process. Please find a good lawyer, the best you can possibly get, and of course try to find one who doesn’t buy into this gender garbage–I am sure they’re out there, even if they’re quiet about it. Yes, no-fault divorce etc., but that doesn’t mean there aren’t fine points and issues on which your being the filing party (and him being the one to move out, which in some states means he’s voluntarily given up his claim to full custody), and your doing that filing earlier as opposed to later, can be advantageous for you. Either way, speaking to a lawyer as early as possible will help, even if his or her advice is to do nothing for now.
2. She wishes she had taken steps to protect her assets and force a legal agreement on some specific financial issues. These are probably not present in your situation but specifically, she wishes she had gotten an agreement on paper about inheritances; the two of them had never done much saving for retirement since he had a wealthy mother and his inheritance was expected to be a big part of their nest egg. Of course, he then went–behind my MIL’s back–to his mother and asked for that money so he could fly off to another country and have cosmetic surgery. Bye-bye inheritance, bye-bye MIL’s secure retirement. She never got in writing what she was entitled to financially, and as a result she got screwed.
3. Along those lines, pull your credit reports NOW. Do NOT let him implicate you or involve you in the massive amounts of debt he’s likely to incur. Most if not all of these guys have no compunctions about using joint assets for their transitions and even taking out loans in both spouse’s names etc. Put a special notification on your credit files that you are to be contacted if anyone tries to open new lines of credit etc. Seriously, don’t think he won’t do it. He’s made it clear how little he cares about his wife and child and your futures already.
4. It might be worth finding a child psychologist/therapist to speak to your daughter, not only because it might help her but because psychological reports might come in handy when it comes to custody issues. Once again, try to find one who sees the trans delusion for what it is; the tranny complex is very popular right now but I am certain they’re not all on board.
5. Document EVERYTHING. When he embarrasses your poor child by lying in front of her at the nail salon, write it down. When he drags her to the store and she has to stand there humiliated while he tries on bras, write it down. The date, the approximate time, the location…anything and everything.
The last two aren’t so much me suspecting there will be issues or custody battles or whatever, but you want to be prepared. Best-case scenario, you just toss the file out eventually. But worst-case scenario, you have evidence of psychological and emotional harm to your child. He’s legally entitled to “transition” and to force your innocent daughter to witness it, but he is not legally entitled to expose her to harm or perversions. Again, a good lawyer is key here and will have real advice for you.
And of course, talk to her about this, and let her know she can say anything to you, etc.–I’m sure you already know and are doing that, since I’m sure you’re a wonderful mother. And oh, let her know she can refuse to see him, she can refuse to let him play dress-up in front of her, she can refuse to call him “Mom,” etc. She has that right. Let her know she’s not being a bad daughter if she doesn’t let him guilt her into pretending she thinks he’s her second mother now, or whatever. She is entitled to her own feelings and thoughts, and she doesn’t have to feel guilty or bad about it.
My MIL also wishes she’d set aside things that were important to her, in terms of certain belongings and such. She really wishes she hadn’t indulged him as long as she did, agreeing to help him learn to apply make-up and things like that. She wishes she had told more people what was going on, because he, of course, loved to tell people what he was doing almost as much as he loved to put on his tranny drag costume and hang out in local bars and pubs convincing himself that all the men and women in there were hot for him. So he ended up controlling the narrative as far as their friends and neighbors and town in general, instead of her. At the time, of course, she was so humiliated she didn’t want anyone to know, but now she wishes she’d asked for more support.
There are, as other have said, more sensible women who don’t buy into this nonsense out there than it seems. I really hope you find some, and of course that we get to see you here more often. And I really hope the above has helped. I wish there was more I could say or do, but here’s a big huge virtual (((((((hug))))))) for you both. You can get through this (Hell, if my MIL could, anybody can, lol) and you’re going to be fine.”
This post and thread are for women whose male partners have announced their desire to “transition”. Specifically, what advice or thoughts can you offer other women faced with this situation? What do you wish you had done, or wish you had known?
Commenters who are not women in this situation may post relevant resources or report advice from family members/friends who are women whose husbands have done this, but all comments should stay on this topic. I hope this post and thread will become a helpful resource for those women in that specific situation. Too often their voices are censored by sites whose prioritize the care and well-being of the men in these relationships. Thank you, and thank you to the commenter quoted above for her generous and caring post.