I’m planning to sterilize my seven year old son before he sexually matures, then freeze my own eggs so he can one day find a surrogate and raise my offspring (his siblings) as their “mother”. Is that weird?
April 26, 2015
submitted 2 hours ago * by jamiemommax3
I have a transgender 7 year old daughter. She has become a beautiful, happy, vibrant person since she started transitioning a year ago. I have no reason to think her identity will change and neither does her therapist.
Because she is so young, she will most likely go on puberty blockers before she ever creates sperm. If she then goes onto hormone treatments directly from the blockers, she will be sterile. She will never create sperm.
She’s too young to tell me whether she might someday want biological children, and I strongly suspect, knowing her personality as I do, that she will not want to give up hormone treatments for the length of time it would take to create sperm, because the effects on HER would be, well, significant.
I am in a “Parent of Trans kids” group online and several of the moms mentioned that they were freezing their own eggs for their transgender daughters, so that their daughters could someday have the option of having children who are at least partially related to them. On the one hand, it seems like a huge expense for my daughter to be able to have a child who is a genetic half-sibling… but on the other hand, I see the reasoning. I am also a chronic worrier and I wonder if doing this would cause the child to feel pressured to use the eggs even if they didn’t really want to.
I’m curious what you older (than my 7 year old daughter) folks think about this. Is it a ridiculous idea? My daughter has two half siblings who could conceivably donate eggs or sperm later on in life, and that kind of seems like it might be a better option to me.
If I did this for her, I’d have to do it NOW before I get any older and my eggs deteriorate, but luckily I’m not out of the age window to have healthy eggs right now. I am, however, not in any financial position to do this, though I hear that there may be options to help with that and will look into them if it seems like a good idea.
So… basically I’m just curious to see what the reaction to the idea is, here in this community. I’m leaning towards “probably unnecessary and maybe even a bit weird” but… if someday my daughter wanted it, I’d hate to say I passed up the opportunity to help her.
EDIT: Secondary question, but related. I am in contact with a young transwoman who does have frozen sperm and wants to have biological children. She is not in a good financial place for in vitro, surrogate, all that. I am not comfortable being a surrogate but would be willing to donate eggs to her for free (no reimbursement for my time, and willing to travel to work within her free healthcare system) but I don’t know her that well and don’t know if it’s appropriate to offer or weird? I’ve donated eggs in the past to an anonymous couple, so I know how it works and what to expect. I just don’t know whether it’s something to offer or not. I don’t want to make someone feel weird or obligated… but it could eliminate a portion of the cost, and I have a good track record – I’ve successfully donated before, and have three healthy children. Just not sure how or whether to approach it, I guess…
all 13 comments
sorted by: best
[–]flyingmountain 5 points 2 hours ago
It’s really sweet and thoughtful that you’re considering this.
My daughter has two half siblings who could conceivably donate eggs or sperm later on in life, and that kind of seems like it might be a better option to me.
I agree. If she were an only child, my answer might be different. However, since she has siblings, she has options if she ever wants to be a mom to kids who are genetically related to her. It doesn’t need to be up to you; it doesn’t need to be now– no reason to go to all the expense and hassle now when things might change dramatically in the next 20 years. Reproductive science is evolving pretty quickly, so it’s quite possible that there will be options for her which we can’t even dream of now, if/when she wants to have kids.
Also, maybe this is just me, but personally I think I would find it a bit weird to be the parent of someone who was genetically my sibling. Can’t really put my finger on why I feel this way, but it would be much less weird, in my opinion, to be the parent of a genetic niece/nephew.
I found it slightly weird too, but after listening to these other moms talk about it, I get where they’re coming from. And for my daughter, either a frozen sperm donation from her bio dad (who is not supportive of her and probably wouldn’t even consider doing it) or an egg donation from me would be her CLOSEST genetic relative, since her siblings are half siblings, donations from them would only be a quarter relation rather than half (but I agree, it seems less …weird.. to be from a sibling than a parent).
I really just hope that she has tons of options available to her by then!
[–]flyingmountain [score hidden] an hour ago
I definitely understand why you’re thinking of it, and like I said, I congratulate you on being an amazing and supportive mom. Your daughter is lucky to have you. And I’m willing to bet that those other moms are just doing their mama bear thing, trying to do their utmost to protect their kids from any potential hurt or obstacle. It doesn’t mean it’s actually a logical thing to do, necessarily, just that they feel like they’re being proactive. However, as I’m sure you know from your dealings with Mr. Non-Supportive Ex, families are made, not born. All kinds of people create families in all kinds of ways.
If your daughter wants kids, if she wants them to be genetically related to her, if she asks her siblings to help out, if she has a willing partner of whatever gender and reproductive capacity… there’s no way she’s going to be disappointed that her future kids are not quite as closely related to her as they could have been if you had frozen your eggs two decades prior.
Thank you. Your “ifs” paragraph was really what I needed to hear.🙂 So many ifs!
[–]AmforsytheGenderfluid-Polysexual 3 points an hour ago
I don’t think it’s necessary and I don’t think she’d be hurt that you didn’t do it. Like you say – she has half-siblings and other options.
I don’t think people are wrong for setting it up to offer their children (as long as they’re okay with the idea that the child may never want to use this gift), but I don’t think you need to feel bad about not doing it.
As for the second question… I suppose I’m just a forthright person. I would just say it. However, I’m not sure about why the offer would work if she does not have any way to financially support the effort right now. You could make the offer, but I don’t think it would reduce financial burden enough to make a difference – if you say something, have that in mind and phrase it such.
I tend to agree.. I figure she has siblings (even though the relation would be less, genetically speaking, since they’re half-siblings), and getting eggs from me would probably not be necessary by then. But I hadn’t even thought about it until these other moms brought it up and was just curious what this community would think about it. If I got a bunch of resounding, “YES, you should do this!” responses, I’d go look into the financial assistance options and try to do it for her.🙂
And for the other, yes, it’s only a portion of the expense, but I thought hey, it might help. People often prefer to use a separate egg donor from their surrogate, too, so it’s possible she could find someone to be a surrogate for free, too. There are resources out there for people wanting to be parents and people willing to donate eggs or surrogacy for free or cheap.
I guess I have egg donation on the brain lately…
[–]neurophilosshiny [score hidden] an hour ago
You mention you’re not in a financial position to easy peasy freeze your eggs, right? My opinion is that this is not a good investment with the knowledge you currently have. Half siblings are a good backup option. Whatever you decide, rest easy knowing it’s neither invasive/presumptive if you do nor callous if you don’t, and your child will most likely say “awwww Mom thanks for thinking about it” either way.
This other transwoman you mention probably has just as many ideas as anyone else about who she wants her baby to resemble and will probably not take you up on the offer, but there’s no harm in offering. It may actually be her only affordable option and to me that would make it worth having the conversation.
You seem like a fantastic mom. Hugs.
Right… this wouldn’t be an easy thing, financially speaking. I was already leaning towards “no,” but I wanted to see if the folks here thought it worth pursuing. I really adore this community; you have all helped me so much since I came here a year ago asking about my “son.”🙂 Basically I trust your opinions!
I will probably send a message and offer. I’m friendly with her, but we have never met in person (planning to in a few months, though, yay!!) and I just don’t want to come across as a weird person. If I hadn’t donated before I probably wouldn’t have really thought of it, but we had a long conversation not too long ago where she was pretty down about it, and it popped in my head afterwards that I am still young enough to donate and didn’t find it difficult before. I just don’t want to overstep in our sort-of friendship, if that makes sense.
This article (Scientists use human skin cells to create gametes) says that it might not be necessary by the time she’s old enough to be thinking about kids.
I said might. This is not definitive.
[–]mygqaccountJust me 4 points an hour ago
That’s going to be around in 20 years? People making fully functioning, living babies from skin cells only 20 years from now? I think it extremely unlikely that it will be affordable, legal, or in fact existing by the time she’ll be having kids.
Thanks! I have heard about this, but regulations tend to slow these advances down pretty significantly and I’m not sure what will be available for her… although obviously my hopes are high.🙂
[–]peartrans [score hidden] 50 minutes ago
This is so god damn precious.
[–]kiwijane3Jane, 17 yo full-time trans girl, pre-EEI, formerly u/JDaFraser [score hidden] 29 minutes ago
If you can’t afford it, I don’t think it’s worthwhile. She has half-siblings, and science may allow her to use eggs with her own genes by the time she wants to have kids.