I am watching “I am Cait”. I want my voice to be heard.
July 28, 2015
GUEST POST by Cheryl
I am watching “I am Cait” and I don’t know how to express the sadness and pain I feel.
I feel so invisible.
My love and care for a man named James for 35 years meant nothing.
I was 17 and he was 24 when we met.
He used me all those years.
And you know what was unforgiveable?
He let me think all those years, there was something wrong with me.
I wasn’t quite pretty enough, I wasn’t quite thin enough and because of my independence “I wasn’t Officer’s Wives material”.
Because of my upbringing, I was too damaged to have a baby with him and raise a healthy child, so we…I remained childless.
He let me BELIEVE that.
Then I wasn’t youthful anymore.
He was in his fifties when he “blossomed” and couldn’t contain “Jamie” anymore.
We were on vacation in Hawaii when he told me…
I was so scared.
Then when we got home, one beautiful summer morning when we had just woke up, we had this silent sexual standoff. .
He had on his nightie and matching panties to sleep in which I tolerated because it made him so happy and I loved him and felt he should be comfortable in the privacy of our home.
But that morning he wanted me to change roles.
He wanted me to “unveil” him as a virginal teenage girl and I just couldn’t.
It was unnatural to me.
It was abhorrent.
And just like that, he tossed all those years of love making away.
I didn’t know it then, but he tossed me away as well.
“Jamie” killed the Jim I knew and loved.
He expected me to be “her” audience and applaud as “she” applied moisturizer on freshly shaven skin among all the other countless, superficial, meaningless, beautifying tasks which in his misogynistic view defined a woman.
I’d just escape onto the deck with a jug of whiskey and pack of cigarettes and plan my liberation.
I’m fine now.
I’ve made a lovely new life for myself.
I built a small, comfortable home for myself on the shores of a beautiful lake.
But when I see the Bruce Jenner’s and the Bob Tur’s etc. celebrated for the path of pain and destruction they leave behind…
I want my voice to be heard.