[Photo Credit: Hand-tinted print by Donna Brown Photo]

[Photo Credit: Hand-tinted print by Donna Brown Photo]

Here at GenderTrender we get a lot of queries and searches from women whose male partners or husbands have just declared their intention to transition and “become a woman”. Today a reader left a very interesting list of things her mother-in-law says she wish she had known, or that she had done, when her husband did this to her. Here is the comment, originally left HERE:

“You are NOT alone. Aside from some of the wonderful women here, this happened to my MIL. Luckily none of the children in that case were young, but it still caused serious problems for them–it was so devastating to his son that he moved to another country. My ex-stepFIL–who now is “a woman,” although he looks, talks, and behaves exactly like a man–barely has a relationship with his children anymore. He’s rarely permitted to see his biological grandchildren, and then only with supervision. (We allow him to see our daughters, but with the caveat that he is NOT to “present” as anything but male around them. We do not call him by his ridiculous tranny name and our girls are not even aware that he goes by a different name around other people.)

His health has been seriously damaged, but as others have said, he made/is making his own choice.

Anyway. Like you, my MIL found that there was zero support for her, and everyone, from therapists to online “support” groups, told her she was the one with the problem because she wasn’t thrilled at the idea of sleeping with/being married to a tranny, and didn’t believe that he could actually “become” anything more than a castrato with fake breasts, which is exactly what he is. More than once she ended up in tears because of how she was spoken to and treated by those people, and because they made her feel like SHE was the one at fault, SHE was the one whose behavior was cruel and unforgivable. It’s likely you will run into people who will say the same to you or treat you the same way. DO NOT BELIEVE THEM. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT WRONG TO THINK THIS IS HORRIFYING AND YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT WRONG TO PROTECT YOUR DAUGHTER IN ANY WAY YOU CAN.

(Sorry for the all-caps, but I feel the above needs an emphasis as strong as I can possibly give it.)

I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you, having a young child. I am absolutely furious on your and her behalf at the monstrous selfishness and disregard for both of you that this man is displaying.

I really wish I could offer you some real advice or help. All I can tell you is that my MIL wishes very much that she had done several of the following things (this was about fifteen years ago now, and not in the US, and of course every situation is different, but you may want to consider or look into these things, which are of course not legal advice and I am not a lawyer):

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testosterone-cypionate-heade-7-620x206

Request for advice and guidance from a concerned parent:

Our almost 21 year child just announced yesterday her/hir intent to start taking T and said that she was considering top surgery eventually as well but “that’s all”. Ze has been wearing men’s clothes for a couple of years now, hates having a period, and appears very butch. Seems most interested in/connected with other butch/lesbian individuals. We have tried to understand and have asked if hir intent is to transition to a male, but she claims not; stating that she’s just tired of being seen as a female, despite the butch clothes etc but does not want to be a “full male”..more like androgynous or “non-binary”.

It’s a long story, like many, but it started when she went to college and found her “place/home” in the LGBTQ community, and then changed her major to “Gender & Women’s Studies”. We are so concerned about whether this T medical treatment and surgery is truly what will make her happy versus being pressured by the environment she is currently in. She wants to change her name legally this summer. She seems attracted to other lesbians from what I can tell which may not be much! I know this may not be PC but what we’ve seen develop in her school experience feels “cultish” to us. Maybe we’re in denial? We are so very concerned about the permanent nature of this “transition” and that it is being done without any in-depth psychological evaluation or counseling. There is a possible history of abuse from a male babysitter when she was 4, but it was never possible to establish exactly what happened..she was examined and no physical evidence of anything was found. We did take her to counseling of course. She was also bullied in both middle and high school. She does suffer from anxiety and has trouble handling “stress” She has done extremely well academically and is very bright. She has always been quite nurturing and wonderful with babies and young children and even thought about becoming a preschool/elementary school teacher up until fairly recently.

What should we say to her about this upcoming transition? Should we give her any advice or information? We have tried to be accepting/loving parents but we are so afraid she is making a mistake that she could seriously regret later in life once the changes are permanent and that her decision to do this is encouraged so much by the community she is now involved with.

Thank you so much for reading this and any suggestions you can make would be very welcome.

Sue

From comment left HERE.

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(Photo: BBC) Louis Theroux with "transgender" boy and his parents

(Photo: BBC) Louis Theroux with “transgender” boy and his parents

From Samantha Rea at the Huffington Post:

“As a tween, I was self-conscious about developing. Even now, the word makes me wince. I stopped going swimming at around the age of 11. I didn’t like it, I said. I pulled out of Brownie camp, insisting, “I just don’t want to go.” The truth was, I’d heard you had to wash in a big bin, in front of each other. I was excruciatingly self-conscious about my body, about my breasts. And if you’re imagining I had anything to stop traffic, the answer is no. I was around a bra size 30A.

I wanted to slice off my breasts with a bacon slicer. I didn’t know what a bacon slicer was, but I imagined it would slice off breasts pretty well. Fortunately, I made it through puberty with my breasts intact, but had my parents been less no-nonsense, had they heard of transgender children and had we been living in America today, I might have been given a mastectomy.

Sound far fetched? In Louis Theroux’s documentary, Transgender Kids shown at the weekend, we actually see the mastectomy scars on a teenager. “There’s a little bit of redness,” says Theroux, diplomatically, as we look at the glaring, red scars across the child’s chest. Amaya’s “top only dysphoria” became an issue around the age of 11 or 12 when developing caused, “a little bit of an anxiety issue… in terms of going out in public… the way other people were perceiving me.” This sounds like a normal reaction to developing. You don’t fix awkwardness with an operation.

We meet other children on the programme. Camille, born Sebastian, is a five-year-old who repeatedly uses the word transgender. I wondered – along with many others on Twitter – how a five-year-old had come to use this word. We see Camille in a tiara, applying lipstick and wearing a dress to school. Theroux asks dad Eduardo if perhaps, rather than needing to transition, Camille is still exploring. Eduardo says no, “I don’t think there’s any more exploring.”

We’re introduced to Catch, a 36-year-old female to male transgender, at an appointment to discuss phalloplasty. Catch talks about being at primary school and wanting to wee standing up. We meet Cole, sometimes Crystal, whose friends know what to call him depending on, “what clothes I’m wearing that day, like if I want to wear these kind of clothes I’m a girl, if I wear those kind of clothes I’m a boy.” He says that as Cole, he does: “more things a boy can do.”

As a feminist with a background in gender studies, I believe that gender is culturally constructed – that we need to break down gender stereotypes, rather than reinforce them. This means we need to stop segregating activities, clothes, toys and colours according to gender. Instead of dressing girls in pink and boys in blue, we need to throw away the rule book and, “rid the world of gender rules and regulations.”

Click HERE to read more.

[image added by me-GM]

 

McMurray in 2013 and today

McMurray in 2013 and today

Dallas Voice columnist Leslie McMurray weighs in on the Planet Fitness transgender locker room controversy:

“Planet Confusion
Posted on 20 Mar 2015 at 8:55am

I’m pissed off; I’m perplexed, and I’m scared. I’ll try and sort out what’s swirling in my pretty little head.

On Feb. 28, a female member of the Planet Fitness in Midland, Mich., complained to management about someone who “looked like a man” being in the women’s locker room. The woman who made the complaint ultimately had her membership revoked, with Planet Fitness officials citing as their reason the woman’s disruptive activities in warning other female members that the gym might let “men” into the women’s locker room facilities.

Planet Fitness has a policy of “No Judgment” and permits members to use whatever facilities match their “sincere, self-reported gender.”

Fine. But honestly, I’m conflicted.

I have held off on addressing this. My fear was that the person in the locker room was a cross-dresser, and that’s what she appears to be: no hormones, no transition.

To me, that is abuse of the privilege and is exactly what the opposition wanted in order to illustrate their point that “men” who “feel like a woman today” can waltz into women-only spaces with impunity.

That makes me sick.

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This is Transphobic.

March 16, 2015

Transphobia and self-hatred from the 'Trans Lives Matter' campaign

Transphobia and self-hatred from the ‘Trans Lives Matter’ campaign

Transwomen are men who have every right to use male facilities. There is nothing “wrong” with feminized men using the appropriate male restroom.

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