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November 11, 2014
submitted * by ihatebeingadude
Edit: please check out my post history for some background, TLDR of that is that I’ve had trans thoughts, on and off, since I was 4.
Hi everyone, I’m back. I’ve been bouncing between “accepted-that-I’m-trans” and “lift-swole-bro-cis-mode” for the last few months, and around June I was basically preparing to come out. A few weeks ago I got a girlfriend, and the trans thoughts flatlined a few weeks after.
They’re just gone right now, but my knowledge of them still exists, and I’m afraid they’re going to come back.
I’m not sure why, but it almost feels as if those thoughts are being suppressed.
Right now, I hate women, and I’m not sure why. Maybe it’s jealousy that I’ll never fit their clothes, maybe it’s because I’ve been rejected so much by them, maybe it’s the view that it’s “easier” on the other side as a cis woman or whatever.
Fuck, I was on /r/theredpill for a while to try and convince myself it was just weakness or not getting laid, and now that I am getting laid things are changing. Maybe if I manned up enough, these thoughts would go away, maybe if I had sex, they would go away. They did. But I can’t tell if the trans thoughts are dead or hibernating or just suppressed by this hate of women.
Right now, the main argument my brain spits out when trans thoughts come up is: “you might be happier in cute girly girl clothes, but what would people say? Would you even fit them with your broad shoulders and giant muscles? What would all those girls who rejected you say? Don’t you want to eventually be the one to reject them back, and get your revenge? Is the chance of happiness as a woman really worth denying yourself the chance to be a buff, eligible bachelor who fucks all the girls who once rejected you? Yeah, you’ll get to break their hearts and use them like they used you… You’re already 19, by the time you pass you’ll be ugly and old, plus you aren’t even into guys all that much…”
I don’t know – sometimes when I go shopping with my girlfriend I mentally imagine my female self wearing those clothes and saying this is what I’ve wanted since I was a kid. Then I start attacking that image, because she’s a betrayal of everything I’ve ever worked towards.
[from reddit. Image added by me-GM]