Reddit r/asktransgender

The following was posted on r/asktransgender https://www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/7mei6p/torn_between_all_of_envy_lust_and_hatred/

by Ryan Terry, a eighteen-year-old male from Peru, New York. Mr. Terry identifies as a transwoman and is a student at Champlain Valley Educational Services (CV-TEC) where he studies Technical Computer Applications.

https://www.cves.org/seven-cv-tec-students-medal-at-nys-skillsusa-championships/

Public photo posted by Ryan Terry via his reddit account.

Ryan Terry was chosen to serve as Student Ambassador for the Champlain Valley CV-TEC community for 2017-2018.

Twitter

Public Twitter Post- Ryan Terry Student Ambassador CV-TECH

 

AMAB here, age 18. I have been on HRT for 5 or so months now. I want to take this time to let out a rant I’ve kept bottled inside for some months now (I haven’t talked extensively about my transition since it started months ago, and a lot changes.) The transition has been very systematic. Skins softens, breasts grow, the usual. I haven’t yet crossed the line of looking in the mirror and feeling blissfully at ease. I yearn for that still. But something else that feels entirely unchanged is my envy of other women. My lust for the beauty they withhold. My hatred for not being what they are. These emotions manifest and concatenate in often dangerous ways. For instance, earlier I watched that Ryan Reynolds movie called Voices. In it, Reynolds, cute as ever, is a schizophrenic factory worker that works with a number of beautiful women. Throughout the movie he is convinced by his cat and dog to murder the women and keep their heads in his fridge. One of the women, whom Reynolds’ character has a brief romance with before killing her too, is played by Anna Kendrick. This is where the movie stirred up and provoked the triple threat of emotions I mentioned above.

I love Anna Kendrick, in every sense of the word. She’s beautiful, an excellent singer, a lovely actress, as perfect as they come. But she is an excellent example of a target for my emotions. I have a strong lust for her because of her beauty and sexy voice. I have an incredible envy over her because of how fucking white her teeth are, how sexy her singing voice is, how perfect her hair is, how beautiful she looked in the dress that Reynolds killed her in. I also have a despicable hatred for her for all the same reasons.

This is a lethal mixture I have for many many women. Celebrities, girls I know personally, girls I’ve never even heard of that I see in pictures. My last relationship was consumed by my desire to be my girlfriend. I even sometimes, with every ounce of my being, hold a strong resentment towards innocent little girls simply because they are what I never got to be: a little girl. I can’t stand being around them sometimes because I almost break down crying to a five-year-old, which is something they shouldn’t have to deal with and is frankly pathetic.

With that being said, I loved watching Anna Kendrick being killed in Voices. I re-watched her break her neck and lay in bed in her lovely dress helplessly at least five times. That’s where my fantasies center around. I want girls like her to be hurt. Badly. I often subdue bouts of painful dysphoria with more powerful thoughts of hurting the girl who caused it. I feel guilty for feeling this way and these desires date back a few years. Psychology has taught me that this potentially originates from the overwhelming need to control a female body, the delusion that harming a beautiful women at my own hands feeds my desperation to be ultimately near to and have control over her body.

The truth is that I would do anything to be Anna Kendrick, but I fear that, in leu of that ever being a possibility, I would just kill her if ever given the chance, and sob inconsolably over her perfection after the fact.

Needless to say, I have a lot of powerful emotions that I have suppressed my entire life.

These dreadful fantasies are not just directed at celebrities and are not only provoked by watching someone getting killed beforehand. I was on a school trip a couple months ago to the capital of my state. It was for my [nameless] organization for officers-only, which I am one of, and was actually state-wide conference with over 2000 attendants. It was a blast, but my teacher did the usual thing of gendering the rooms. He made each of us – only about 8 officers – room with a partner of the same sex, genders in different hallways. It’s bad enough that I had to be separated from the girls which I internally felt included with, but the ones from my school on the trip were fucking beautiful, and I was so jealous that they were able to be in the girls hallway, no questions asked. One of them, who we’ll call Greg, is someone I’ve been kinda friends with through this organization for about a year. She is the epitome of everything I wish I was. She is so outrageously beautiful and funny and popular and talented. My experience over this entire trip was somewhat tainted by my overwhelming grief of being fixated on her for the whole three days.

For the next few days after, I found myself in my counselor’s office for hours because I was unable to function because my mind was fixated on a desire to cause harm to this girl. I hated her so much and I wanted to press lightly on her trachea and look into her beautiful eyes listening as her final breaths cry for mercy. I didn’t want to actually hurt her, I usually don’t. I always imagine girls’ deaths to be gentle, so as to not disturb their natural beauty. I don’t want to harm them, I just want their life to end. Normally in these fantasies I pinch their nose shut and cover their mouth so I can watch them fade so elegantly at my own gentle hands. It’s not about making them not beautiful anymore. It’s about taking the life from them. I want to reduce their beauty to just a corpse because their life isn’t fair. I want to caress them in my arms and carefully tighten a rope around their neck so they can look at me when I take their soul. I want to feel their final breaths. I want to release the life from their body so I can have the shell. The beautiful shell.

Needless to say, my counselor, whom is otherwise very supportive of me, was concerned to say the least and almost had to call 911.

I texted Greg initially telling her how much of a bitch I think she is, but when I got the surprising response talking about how sorry she is that I feel that way and that she tries not to be since she’s been bullied her whole life, I quickly retracted the statement. I told her that I am trans and that I only said that out of spiteful envy over her beauty. She responded kindly.

The worst thoughts are those of hurting little girls. When I ride the elementary bus home from my school, I am bombarded by fun little kids that all love me because I’m often the only high-schooler, and rather funny. I almost always find myself on these trips home to be fixated on a young girl on the bus. I make everyone laugh while holding back the tears of looking at the little girls who will grow up to be strong, beautiful women. I hate them because I never got to be a little girl and I hate that they have what I never could, their princess room and their cute clothes and their girly little personalities. Sometimes I want to hurt them too. Why did God make them little girls but never me? I miss the childhood I never had.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I hate myself.

[sic]

Ryan Terry public confession to serial criminal harassment and violent threats to specific women

Public photo posted by Ryan Terry from his reddit ‘byteandahalf’ account

 

https://twitter.com/byteandahalf

https://plus.google.com/108351410612531396741

https://www.reddit.com/user/byteandahalf/

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCu0I0OSBBlHXhUlAWjCZg0w/about

https://github.com/ryanterry131

h/t m1nt3a

https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2017/12/24/merry-christmas-everyone-4/#comment-88835

Anthony Casebeer today as "Annie Barchetta" on his new, eerily named "CrossDriving"  blog. Casebeer famously threatened to murder a lesbian by running her over with his car.

Anthony Casebeer today as “Annie Barchetta” on his new, eerily named “CrossDriving” blog. Casebeer famously threatened to murder a lesbian by running her over with his car.

I was very confused by screencaps that someone sent me today from an individual ranting hatefully and calling me names on Christopher “Cristan” William’s all-male transactivist website. This person clearly has some sort of beef with me. How on earth have I upset them so?

annie barchetta1

CAP #1of2

.

annie barchetta 2 on dana lane taylor post advocate

CAP#2

Come to find out the author is none other than Anthony “Louisville Slugger” Casebeer, and my “crime” was re-posting his death threats against lesbian feminist Cathy Brennan, whom he intended to murder for co-authoring with Elizabeth Hungerford a letter to the UN regarding the legal status of “Gender Identity”. The letter indicated a need for some sort of objective criteria for males seeking access to spaces sex-segregated for female protection- those places where females are especially vulnerable to male predation in public life (prisons, homeless shelters, rape crisis centers, areas of public nudity such as locker rooms, etc.) The UN letter modestly suggested a doctor’s note or evidence of constancy and persistence (of gender feelings) for male admittance. Seems like an extremely moderate position, no?

Casebeer’s public response to the UN letter, acting as a Kentucky Fairness Campaign representative was: “Pimp slap is not enough here: a nice home run swing to the head with a 38-oz Louisville Slugger is more in order. There’s no brains in her head to destroy to start with. It’s personal, and if I ever saw her in my windshield, I’ll be wiping blood off my white Buick. But I won’t be using the brakes.”

You can read more about Casebeer’s homicidal history here:  https://gendertrender.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/kentucky-fairness-campaigns-anthony-g-casebeer-lesbian-feminists-will-be-gruesomely-murdered-–-by-him/

Casebeer represents a footnote in feminist history as possibly the first time a violent anti-woman transgender activist was exposed to the wider public by a feminist blogger (myself) by documenting his self-published activities. His story was picked up by the mainstream media and Casebeer was subsequently ejected from the Kentucky Fairness Campaign. Casebeer complained that he was unfairly “outed” as author of the death threats and claimed that women had no right to respond to his public, explicit, violent threats. This case ushered in a new era of women online exposing the men who use death threats in attempt to silence female participation in civic life.

Pathetically, Casebeer, now calling himself a woman named “Annie Barchetta” still feels maligned by the (surprising to him) occurrence of women noticing when men publicly threaten to violently murder us.  Get over it fella. Never again will murderous males such as yourself get away with terrorizing women for engaging in public life. We will not be silent. Your actions will be recorded, remembered, and protested. Some of you will now be legally prosecuted and convicted for your crimes.

Speaking of which, stay tuned for my follow-up report on the infamous online terrorism of Pittsburgh anti-lesbian death-threater Dr. Aeryn Fulton, exposed last year on GenderTrender.

For more recent Casebeer doings, see his eerie “Crossdriving with Annie” blog where he discusses driving around “en femme” and refers to his woman-suit persona in the third person.

Crossdriving: watch out for all that murdered lesbian blood.

Crossdriving: watch out for all that murdered lesbian blood.

Monica Roberts Discussing Murdering Cathy Brennan

Click image to enlarge.

Trans Activist and “Transgriot” blogger Monica Roberts’ Facebook Wall, vividly discussing murdering one of the Lesbian authors of a letter to the UN in support of Women’s Rights:

“Anthony G. Casebeer:  Pimp slap is not enough here: a nice home run swing to the head with a 38-oz Louisville Slugger is more in order. There’s no brains in her head to destroy to start with. It’s personal, and if I ever saw her in my windshield, I’ll be wiping blood off my white Buick. But I won’t be using the brakes.

Monica Roberts: and add a silver stake through the heart for good measure?”

REPORT THIS BULLYING AND HATE SPEECH TO FACEBOOK PLEASE:

http://www.facebook.com/people/Monica-Roberts/1275518430

How do I report abuse to Facebook?
Examples of abusive content includes pornography, hate speech, threats, graphic violence, bullying, and spam. Please note that we will only remove content that violates the Facebook Terms. For information about what we allow and don’t allow on Facebook, please read our Community Standards.To submit a report, find the “Report” link that is nearest to what you want to report click.

From MSNBC Florida:

ORMOND BEACH, Fla. — The human remains found in Ormond Beach in a trash bag over the weekend were that of a white female between the ages of 20 and 45, an autopsy determined on Tuesday.

A family found the remains near Airport Road.

Police said Tuesday the woman had light brown to dirty blond hair and was around 100 to 115 pounds.

The woman has not been identified, nor has the cause of death.

Authorities said the remains had been placed in the area in the last six months.

Police said no Ormond Beach missing persons cases matche [sic]  the description of the woman.”

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41140528/ns/local_news-orlando_fl/

UPDATE Feb 11 2011- still unidentified.
March 4 2011- still unidentified.
April 8 2011- still unidentified.
May 15, 2011- still unidentified.
7/11/11- still unidentified.
9/15/2011- still unidentified.
11/2011-
3/05/2012: *UPDATE- The woman has been identified as Pamela Sue Will, 50, reported missing in 2010. From her Daytona Beach News-Journal obituary:

PAMELA SUE WILL

Pamela Sue Will, 50, of Port Orange, who has been missing since September 8, 2010 was found on January 16, 2011. Pam was born in Steubenville, Ohio and was a cashier in a local grocery store. She is survived by her mother, Jo Ann Eller, Port Orange; her brother, Joseph J. Garland; two sisters, Tina Cook and Cindy Marie Vitek. She is also survived by her son, Joshua Milliken; and her daughter, Stephanie Seebach. Pam was a wonderful person and will be missed by all that knew her. A Private Memorial Service will be held at the convenience of the family. Condolences may be shared with the family at www.Lohmanfuneralhome.com. Arrangements are under the entrusted care of Cardwell Funeral Home.
The story from the Daytona Beach News-Journal reporter Lyda Longa:
http://www.news-journalonline.com/news/local/east-volusia/2012/02/10/south-daytona-police-woman-found-in-ditch-last-year-identified.html
No further information regarding any ongoing investigation has been made available. Thank you to DBNJ reporter Lyda Longa for continued follow up on this story. Hopefully the investigation is ongoing. Updates will continue to be posted here.
My condolences to Pamela’s family and loved ones. Rest in Peace Pamela.